12 Creepy Mascots That Will Haunt Your Child’s Dreams

When you are trying to sell stuff to kids, there appears to be some kind of unspoken advertising rule that you must first strip the child’s psyche down to a quivering husk of terror in order to make them vulnerable to your product. This is the only explanation I can come up with for the number of creeper mascots that show up in commercials aimed at kids or family.

From time immemorial, it seems that advertisers have been reaching into their bag of nightmare parts to come up with the most terrifying personifications of the stuff they shill, as evidenced by this list of the most horrifying product mascots, past and present.

1. Krinkles the Klown

Krinkles shilled Sugar Krinkles for Post for awhile, and as far as I can tell, set the bar exceedingly high for using clowns as nightmare fuel for SUGAR COATED RICE and other stuff that advertisers want you to put in your mouth holes. Just in case the illustrated version of Krinkles wasn’t enough to keep you awake at night, please enjoy this photo of Krinkles, too.

2.  Ronald McDonald

Speaking of clowns, no list of creepy mascots would be complete without Ronnie McD, the original haunter of children’s dreams. I never like Ronald because I always imagined that his face makeup looked a lot like he had been feeding on…something. His smile makes his mouth look permanently ringed in blood.

3. Croslite Guy

Croslite is what the makers of Crocs call the plastic foam stuff that they make their shoes out of. I’m not sure if the horrifying apparition you see before you is an actual mascot or just the company fucking with you, but I’d like you all to enjoy the Croc wearing Crocs and kissing someone’s toes:

4. The Snuggles Bear

Admittedly, Snuggles isn’t specifically targeted to kids, it’s targeted at mothers who wash all their dumb kids’ clothing. That doesn’t keep him from being one of the creepiest little mascots out there.

5. All of the Safeway Cereals Mascots

I love off-brand cereal. It is just as nutritiously empty as brand name stuff, but tastes kind of weird, which is what makes it special. What makes Safeway cereal even better are the creepy-ass characters they slap on the front of the box.

6. Jack In The Box

I don’t know if there’s some kind of contest that’s raging between the fast food empires to see who can terrify us the most with their hideous mascots. Case in point: Jack Box, who is entirely human except for his massive ball head, which is likely hiding some darker terror underneath.

7.The Charmin Bears

I can’t explain why the Charmin Bears freak me out so much other than they have absolutely no business wondering about bits of toilet paper stuck to bear bottoms. It’s unnatural and unholy.

8. Lemonhead

I didn’t know anyone actually ate Lemonheads anymore. Maybe they thought that since no one was really paying attention anymore, they could rework their mascot into a viscerally terrifying abomination.

9. Happy

Perhaps concerned that Ronald McDonald wasn’t creeping people out enough, McDonald’s recently slapped some Gary Busey dentures onto a Happy Meal box, named him “Happy” and unleashed this creature out into the world:

10. The Burger King

I don’t even feel like I need to explain what makes The Burger King so horrifying. Just look at him, and then be grateful he isn’t in commercials anymore.

11. Chuck-E-Cheese

I never loved Chuck-e because he is a rodent. Let’s be real. Chuck-e-Cheese is pretty much the most disgusting place ever, so in all fairness making the mascot a massive rat really only makes sense. At least the new Chuck-e looks less horrific than the old one:

12. Any Dental Aid

So dental aids are used in pediatric dentistry offices to teach kids how to brush their teeth. They aren’t mascots in the traditional sense, but they are horrifying in their own special way:

Sweet dreams.