being a mom
One Mom’s Struggle With Moving Forward After The Loss Of Her Child
The very first time my world came crashing down was on January 9, 1999. On that day, my mother, my best friend, succumbed to cancer after a long battle. Although her death was expected, it was tragic nonetheless. I was grateful that she would no longer suffer but selfishly wanted her still with us. During the course of her illness, I started developing my own health anxiety. One day I was convinced I had cancer myself, another day I thought I was going to have a heart attack. There was really no rhyme or reason for any of my recurrent ailments, but it was very obvious that my mother’s illness had taken a toll on me. I obsessed about every symptom I had. I was positive that it was going to happen to me one day.
With the help of talk therapy and a very loving and supportive husband, I began to work on my issues. It wasn’t easy. I desperately wanted to start a family of my own but was unsure of whether I would be a good enough mom. I wanted a stable career and a nice little home. Most of all, I wanted to be as perfect as my mother.
Nine years later, on New Year’s Day of 2008, I awoke to a feeling of being bloated and unwell. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. After tears of joy and a little bit of shock, my husband and I settled in to this wonderful news. We were going to be parents. For the first few months of my pregnancy, I let my anxiety go. I felt my mother with me. She had a hand in this and would continue to bless me on my way to this wonderful journey called motherhood.