Few things piss off the parents of special snowflakes around Christmas like an adult who spills the beans on the Santa lie. Parents trying to keep that fantasy alive may need to ban all media between Thanksgiving and New Years and maybe consider investing in some sleep masks for kids to wear while out in public, because there's something about dressing up in a Santa costume that makes people want to break the law. Unless you can quickly think of an elaborate plot line about about a broken sleigh or sick reindeer, nothing will dash the dreams of the wee folk like seeing Santa in the back of a police car. Here's a sampling of what illegal things Santa's been up to this holiday season, because checking that list twice apparently still leaves him with a lot of free time.
1. Don't piss off Santa. According to CBS Detroit, a man dressed as Santa Claus shot two people at a gas station. After being taken into custody, the imposter said he shot them because he felt "threatened." I always thought Santa left coal for those he didn't like, but it seems times have changed. Both victims are in the hospital.
2. Like most kids, I grew up leaving cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, but we've been doing it all wrong, because what Santa really wants is cash and cigarettes. Santa Claus made a recent appearance in McComb, Miss., where WAPT News says he robbed a convenience store with the help of his elf, the store clerk. Both were arrested.
3. Santa has taken some time out of his busy schedule this year to do some print ad modeling too. According to the Daily Mail, residents in Chico, California have mixed feelings about a billboard that shows the jolly man holding an assault rifle. While Down Range Indoor Training Center, who commissioned the ad, has received some complaints, they stand by their decision and think the billboard is funny. Just a few more days until they find out if this stunt landed them on the naughty or nice list.
4. Usually, I'd say anyone who thinks a Santa suit is a good disguise is an idiot who deserves to get caught, but the LA Times reports that a robber took advantage of a recent Santa themed pub crawl to rob a bank. The costumed man walked into a bank, told the teller he had a gun, got a bag full of cash and then walked out into the street where he was surrounded by hundreds of others dressed like him, making solving this robbery the most intense game of Where's Waldo ever. An arrest has not been made.
5. Even Santa needs to unwind sometimes. I get stressed out shopping for my own family of four, so I'm sure he's really feeling the pressure with his list of millions people to please. Metro tells the tale of a Santa just trying to get his jollies by climbing atop a statute of a horse in Scotland, where he waved and smiled to people passing by. The police, who clearly have never seen The Polar Express and therefore, don't believe, escorted him down and arrested him.
6. A man who was working as a Santa impersonator was arrested in Lee's Summit, Missouri after police received a tip that he was an unregistered sex offender. According to Fox4 News, James R. Gray was convicted of several sexual crime in the 90s, including child molestation. While it's not technically illegal for him to work as Santa, it was the failure to register his status as an offender that lead to his arrest. Local authorities report that the arrest was made before Gray had contact with any children. Sorry not sorry, but I can't joke about this. I'm just glad they caught him.
7. It would appear Santa has political opinions he wants us to know about. A Santa in Brighton was arrested after he superglued hands to the doors of a Barclays bank. The Telegraph says Santa was protesting the bank's alleged dealings with an Israeli-based arms company.
8. Parents in Elwood, Indiana have to explain to their kids why Santa Claus isn't in his usually meeting spot downtown this year. I hope they can come up with a better excuse than the truth, which according to kjrh.com is that man hired to play Santa this year has been arrested on a charge of unlawful possession of a firearm for allegedly providing his cousin with a gun.
9. Maybe he wanted to make a statement about fair working conditions and wages, or maybe he just wanted to show off dem abs, but Boston.com reports that man wearing only sneakers, a thong and a well-placed Santa hat was arrested on Black Friday at a mall. He claimed he was hoping to film a satire piece about Black Friday shopping but I secretly suspect he was hoping to shock people into letting him cut in line.
10. It's not just Santa Claus who's acting out this holiday season. While I am a big fan of the Elf On The Shelf, I know most of my fellow Mommyish writers hate him. The NY Post brings us news of 23-year-old who is facing DUI charges after being found passed out in a running car, dressed as the Elf. I know the Elf can be somewhat mischievous, but you're not helping my cause here buddy.
(image: mikeledray/ Shutterstock.com)