My kids are very into sports, despite their young ages. I am not surprised- my husband and I are both fairly athletic and faithful gym-goers and my brother is an elementary physical education teacher so this is something close to all of our hearts. Even though my daughter is barely seven, I have already dealt with several different coaches over the course of her sports "career" and I know we will encounter many more. Some coaches are in it for the love of the game and some have.....different motives. Either way, just like teachers, there are all different types of coaches you may encounter this school year:
1. The Military Retiree
I had one of these as my elementary school gym teacher- he was super hard-core and kind of scary in his intensity. I vividly remember the time in 2nd grade that I had a nurse's note to miss gym because I had a stomach ache. This teacher told me to "take your stomach pains and sit over there" making me drag a chair into the corner of the gym to wallow in my own shame. I still loved him and he taught me a lot. Hats off, Mr. Remington.
2. The Mom Trying Her Best
This coach might not know the ins and outs of every game but she sure is giving it her best! I remember having one of these mom's as my soccer coach in early elementary school and while she could not explain "off sides" to save her life, she did always make sure we were having a great time and getting plenty of Popsicles!
3. The Dad Living Vicariously Through His Kid
We had one of these for t-ball a few years ago and MAN was it uncomfortable to watch. The coach was very into baseball and his son obviously had no interest and made a point of causing problems at every turn. Watching their battle of wills during every game was flat-out exhausting but also, undeniably entertaining.
4. The Stoner
I had one of these for my 9th grade soccer season and we actually went undefeated and made it to play-offs! Our coach was soooo laid-back and chill and as a result, we were totally devoid of nerves and played our best at every game. I'm not sure if she was a legit pot smoker but she sure acted like it!
5. The Young Guy Having Fun
This is my younger brother to a T, but this kind of coach definitely has it's merits. I can tell you from years of seeing him with my children that my brother is absolutely amazing as a coach for kid's sports teams. He still remembers how much fun it was for him as a child and genuinely cares about the experience your little one is having. This one might seem like it will be a waste of a season but wait it out- I'll bet you will be pleasantly surprised.
6. The Teacher In It For The Stipend
I also know from talking to my brother that sometimes, your school's coaches are teachers just in it for a few thousand dollars extra in their pay. It is rare but easily identified when your kid scores a soccer goal and the coach yells "TOUCHDOWN!" They don't have a clue.
7. The Competitive Former Athlete
This coach has something to prove and is going to get his validation through the little kids in his charge. He may not have made the play-offs in 2002 but gosh darn it, he is going to make them now!
8. Super Clueless Professional
He will show up in a suit and tie with a bag of soccer balls and no idea what to do. He promised his wife he would be more "involved" with the kids and thought that coaching once a week was his ticket. He rushes from the office in his work attire and is proud just to be there.
9. The Guy Heckling The Refs
Oh Lord, this guy has some unresolved issues. Even though your kid is only five years old, this coach feels the need to challenge every call and look like a total asshole. He seems to forget that his crew is only in kindergarten. Just stare at your Smartphone and ignore him until you get someone better next season.
10. The Ideal Coach
Honestly, this is basically my brother. The coach who has been happy playing sports his entire life and wants nothing more than to impart that passion and knowledge on your child. They will be tough to come by but when you get one, shower them with gifts and let them know how appreciated they are. I am very grateful that my kids have "Unkee Kevin" to teach them any sport they please- I know that any child lucky enough to get him as a coach should have a set of very happy parents.