Keeping your house as clean as it was before you had kids is a nice idea, and so is having a pet unicorn. Unfortunately, both things are equally unlikely. Instead of spending your day cleaning up messes that are immediately re-messed-up by your adorable offspring, here are a few alternatives to dealing with your current state of household mayhem.
Instead of washing that giant pile of dishes in the sink:
1. Have a second glass of wine.
You don't have to wash a glass as long as there's still wine in it. Plus, you're recycling! Go you, you eco-hero!
2. Serve finger foods.
Sandwiches for every meal = no plates or utensils required. You could use paper plates, too; but that's both wasteful and it would require you to make a trip from the table to the garbage can after eating. Why bother?
3. Schedule meals during play dates.
Bring your own food, but eat it on someone else's plates. If they cop to your trick, just rave about how you enjoy visiting their lovely home until they're mollified.
Instead of scrubbing that layer of grime coating every bathroom surface:
4. Teach kids to pee in the yard like the dog does.
No more yellow stains around the edge of the toilet (although if you're married to a dude, you may also have to teach him to do the same if you want to completely eliminate the problem).
5. Stop showering.
Showering is soap scum's entry point into your home.
6. Leave romantic lipstick messages for your spouse on the mirror.
What? You want me to wash the mirror and erase those beautiful words of love?! Sorry, darling, but Windex just can't wipe away the way I feel about you.
Instead of vacuuming and mopping your grody floors:
7. Buy new carpeting that matches your pet's fur color.
The dog can shed all she wants and no one will be able to tell. The only downside is that your room will slowly become shorter as thicker and thicker layers of fur are added on to the base coat.
8. Never go barefoot.
The floor's not sticky if you can't feel it!
Instead of picking up the omnipresent clutter:
9. Spend the entire day playing the "floor is lava" game.
It doesn't count as clutter anymore if you need those pillows and book to be on the floor so you can make it alive from the living room to the kitchen.
10. Start a "Clutter Chic" Pinterest board.
Maybe the fad will catch on with the trendy moms and maybe it won't, but in any case, going on Pinterest is more fun than convincing the kids to pick up their junk.
Instead of handling the insurmountable pile of dirty laundry:
11. Don't wear a bra if you can avoid it.
This one simple act cuts your laundry load by like 3%. So not wearing a bra two days in a row cuts the load by 6%, and three days makes 9% ... I'm no math expert, but I'm pretty sure this means you will eventually eliminate over 100% of your laundry.
12. Just Febreeze it.
Sure, after a while you and the kids are just going to smell like Febreeze mixed with old Parmesan cheese to a suffocating extent, but hey--at least you're not doing laundry.
(Feature image: gemenacom / Getty)