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I Don’t Care If Your Kid Messes Up My Perfect House

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clean house with kidsBy now, you may have guessed that I have a thing about clean houses. Mostly, that I love them, but I especially love MY clean house. The smell of Mrs. Meyer, vacuumed shark’s teeth, this awesome poop spray I keep in all the water closets to keep the potties smelling fresh even after a guest has disrespected my toilet…you get the picture.

Lets just say that a regular part of my cleaning routine involves vacuuming the couch and cushions. Yes sirree, I love a clean house. What I’m less jazzed about is the reaction this instills in other people; namely the idea that I would somehow be averse to someone-their children, mostly-coming over and jacking it all up.

Well, they aren’t wrong. For instance, once we had a party here and some asshole spilled soda all over my couch and some other asshole stuck gum under my table. That made me kind of mad. The thing is, neither of these assholes were children.

If they had been children, I probably would have been okay with it.

My love for my clean house doesn’t run so deeply that I can’t handle the idea of a child coming over and fucking it all up. For some reason, though, no one believes me about that. I’ll invite people over, and if they have really little kids or really rambunctious kids or kids that look just like that pigpen kid from Peanuts, it’s always the same conversation:

“Oh, I couldn’t come over. We’ll mess up your house.”

“Oh, that’s okay.”

“No, really. My kids can destroy a room in under five seconds, trust me.”

“It’s cool.”

“I mean, they will just demolish everything you hold dear.”

And on, and on. Eventually I will weaken their resolve with promises of alcohol, and they will come over, and my house will be destroyed. And yes, I am really, really okay with it. Children should be allowed to be children, and I’ve never understood the people that are so attached to their things or so in love with their white upholstery that they flip their collective shit if some grape juice is spilled or a vase gets broken.

People are often surprised that I don’t even run a tight ship where my daughter is concerned. She’s expected to make her bed and do her chores and not smear her feces all over the house, but that’s about the extent of it. Her room is often messy. Her clothes get thrown around, there’s marker on the carpet. I’ll make her clean it up eventually, but in the meantime, I can’t expect her to enjoy the home that is also hers if everything has to be spotless. She doesn’t roll like I roll. She has to get her hands dirty.

Your kids will mess up my house, too. They will grind goldfish into the rug, splatter juice on the curtains, break a dish. This is why vacuums and steam cleaners and HomeGoods were invented. Everything I own is replaceable. If it isn’t, your child will never find it.

So come over. Have fun. I won’t project my anal-retentiveness onto you or your kid. If I do have to clean up, well, it’s a good thing I love to clean.

Now, if your husband sticks gum under my coffee table, I will find you, and I will destroy you.

(Image: udra11/Shutterstock)

124 Comments

  1. NoMissCleo...JustMe

    July 14, 2014 at 9:15 am

    I totally understand your point, especially seeing as how I scrubbed my kitchen so clean yesterday that I might not cook in it the rest of the week….just to stare at the prettiness of it all. I even had my three-year-old in on the gig – she was spraying and wiping down chairs and cabinets.

    But I also wonder about this – why aren’t people teaching their children to be respectful of other people’s homes, you know what I mean?

    “I mean, they will just demolish everything you hold dear.” If this mother was indeed serious, that’s a pretty big problem. Toddlers are understandable, but pre-schoolers have the ability to understand how to properly behave in other people’s homes and to respect the rules/expectations of others.

    Perhaps it was was the manner in which it was written, with a bit of flair for the effect, but I envision this woman’s child as a sort of Tasmanian Devil coming in and running amok with no regards for anything…am I being too uptight to think that children should learn how to play appropriately with toys and to leave the adult things alone?

    • Theresa Edwards

      July 14, 2014 at 9:27 am

      Oh yeah–i could have been clearer–most of my friends with kids have toddlers/babies. Any with older kids have given me yelling privileges.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 9:32 am

      That makes more sense. Most of my friends are in the pre-school (or later) stage of life and I would be seriously considering my friendship with someone who allows their older child to behave in the manner of a destructive tornado.

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    • Spiderpigmom

      July 14, 2014 at 11:15 pm

      My kid is a preschooler, and while I obviously don’t “allow” him to act like a tornado, I sometimes don’t react quickly enough to stop him from being one. Recently, he’s been having a ball deliberately spilling things. A lot of good it will do when I punish him *after* he deliberately spilled his milk on your Persian carpet.
      Which is why I’m not friends with anyone who has a Persian carpet. Or a remotely orderly house, for that matter.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 11:16 pm

      Huh. That’s funny. I don’t have a Persian carpet…

  2. M.

    July 14, 2014 at 9:30 am

    My mom told me once, before I procreated, “you have to choose…either you have nice things or you have children and pets.” Sound advice, indeed. My husband and I have kept this in mind as we’ve purchased sofas and rugs and other bits of furniture…we’ll get stuff we like but nothing that breaks the bank or that is so unique that it would be irreplaceable if it were destroyed and it has served us well. And I expect everything to be a mess so it doesn’t bother me that there’s now play-doh smooshed into the area rug in the living room or nail polish all over the arm of the couch. C’est la vie, there are kids in this house!

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 9:41 am

      I disagree with this mindset. No, my husband and I are not purchasing new sofas for the foreseeable future due to our child and pets, but that doesn’t mean that our daughter is allowed to be completely destructive with them. We don’t buy fancy things but there is still an expectation that play-doh is used at the table and fingernails are painted in the bathroom because they are messy activities and the big-ticket items we have in our home should be treated in a manner that preserves them for as long as possible.

    • aliceblue

      July 14, 2014 at 5:02 pm

      Same here. My mom told me a number of times that she didn’t understand why people couldn’t have nice things; not fragile antiques but good furniture that stays clean. We had the PlayDoh rule too, as well as things like finger paints, glue and anything with glitter and food. As were got older 8? 10? glue (school projects) and food could go to the family room but not the living room. . Also, living 4 blocks from the beach, I can’t remember not knowing that you rinse the sand off your feet before going inside and that wet swimsuits and towels get tossed in the tub immediately after you change. I just don’t recall that it was a big deal as a kid.

  3. meteor_Whoricorn_echo

    July 14, 2014 at 9:33 am

    AAAAND FUCK TO THE NO.

    “Children should be allowed to be children, and I’ve never understood the
    people that are so attached to their things or so in love with their
    white upholstery that they flip their collective shit if some grape
    juice is spilled or a vase gets broken.”
    So, I collect anime figures, some of which are hand painted and assembled by me. I tell all my guests to not. Touch. Them. Ever. Without my permission. If some kid fucks up any of my figures, I’m making the parent pay upwards of $140 for each thing the kid breaks or damages. I’m not even talking about vases, porcelain and other antique shit. If your kid is a destroyer, KEEP IT AT HOME. Don’t inflict it upon anyone else.

    “They will grind goldfish into the rug”
    Oh fuck no. If some kid kills or harms my pets, the kid is getting grabbed by the collar and thrown outside, and the parent gets the most painful kick to the crotch in their life (and yes, I’ll kick the parent out, too). Nobody messes with my pets, and they’re not replaceable – even goldfish.

    I usually like your articles, but this one is a mess.

    • TngldBlue

      July 14, 2014 at 9:34 am

      I think she meant the edible Goldfish crackers 🙂

    • meteor_Whoricorn_echo

      July 14, 2014 at 9:36 am

      I hope. Because I’ve seen a whole lot of Reddit threads where OPs have had their pets maimed by shitty kids, and the parents were all sorts of permissive and clueless. It’s infuriating and turns my jimmy rustles from 0 to 11 in a split second.

    • TngldBlue

      July 14, 2014 at 9:41 am

      For sure-my nephew liked to hit our dog and my SIL would say nothing. It drove me insane. The last time I caught him doing it I went ape shit, they haven’t been back since & I don’t care-don’t mess with my pets or you are NOT welcome here.

    • meteor_Whoricorn_echo

      July 14, 2014 at 9:43 am

      GO YOU. And I bet that, if the dog bit back, your SIL would demand to have the dog euthanized, too.

    • TngldBlue

      July 14, 2014 at 9:59 am

      Oh of course, you know it!

    • Jezebeelzebub

      July 14, 2014 at 10:29 am

      what’s a jimmy rustles? I want one. I am going to try to convince my next pregnant friend to name her kid Jimmy Rustles.

    • meteor_Whoricorn_echo

      July 14, 2014 at 10:46 am

      Hah, that’d be awesome! “That really rustled my jimmies” is a pretty old internet meme, which basically means “this annoyed/unnerved the shit out of me”.

    • Jamie

      July 14, 2014 at 9:36 am

      I think she means goldfish crackers… Actually doing that to a pet is a pretty clear indication of sociopathy and I don’t think she’s condoning that.

    • meteor_Whoricorn_echo

      July 14, 2014 at 9:38 am

      Yup, it’s been pointed out to me already 🙂 I’m just too wary because of shitty Reddit parent threads and the fact that one of my cats has been abused into complete neurosy before I picked him up.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 9:37 am

      When she mentions grinding goldfish into the rug, I believe she means THIS kind of goldfish and not a real, live animal.

    • meteor_Whoricorn_echo

      July 14, 2014 at 9:38 am

      Hopefully!

    • Spongeworthy

      July 14, 2014 at 9:52 am

      I think that is certainly your right to have those types of rules in your own home. It’s your house, and you get to say what can/cannot be touched/played with/etc. For me, in my house, if a kid messes things up within reason (spills, getting toys out, stuff like that) I’m not going to sweat it. I keep my house clean, but I have a toddler myself, so there’s only so much clean I can expect. BUT if a kid was breaking things intentionally, especially an older kid, then I’d have words for the parents. And if something expensive was broken, I’d expect reimbursement.

    • meteor_Whoricorn_echo

      July 14, 2014 at 9:55 am

      You’re correct. I suppose that the “everything that I own is replaceable, even the expensive stuff” attitude is what got to me here.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 14, 2014 at 10:01 am

      For me, we bought our house when I was 6 months pregnant, so we went into it with he idea of not getting anything that we wouldn’t mind getting spilled on. So if my other friends with kids come over and things get spilled on? Eh, no big. But I am overly cautious in other people’s homes because A) it’s not my house and I don’t want to mess their stuff up and B) I don’t want my kid to be THAT KID.

    • Jessie

      July 14, 2014 at 10:30 am

      Oh my gods, I feel you on the figurine thing. I collect anime and video game figures too, as well as prop replicas of various video game and anime weapons, and have several hundreds of dollars worth of cosplay garments in my closet. Some of them were bought, some were made by me. Either way, if anyone touches those things without my permission then they lose a friggin’ hand, I don’t care how old they are. Kids are pretty much a no-no in my house, unless the parent is okay with them being confined to the back yard or a playpen the entire time.

    • meteor_Whoricorn_echo

      July 14, 2014 at 10:51 am

      Yuuup. I have some resin kits in my collection (which are hard to get and I spend a lot of time working on them, as well). No way am I allowing anyone, especially kids, to touch those!

      Also, are you on myfigurecollection.net, per chance?

    • Jessie

      July 14, 2014 at 11:49 am

      No I’m not, I hadn’t heard of it until now. I’ll have to check it out!

    • meteor_Whoricorn_echo

      July 14, 2014 at 1:13 pm

      It’s a huge figure encyclopedia, which allows you to make a comprehensive list of everything that you own, and to watch out for new figures and preorders. Pretty neat!

    • Jessie

      July 14, 2014 at 11:27 pm

      That sounds like a cool idea, I’ll definitely look into it. 😀

  4. TngldBlue

    July 14, 2014 at 9:38 am

    I agree to a point. If the kid is running around with a stick bashing my breakables and creating mayhem, I’m going to cuff him/her upside the head. If the kid is just making a play doh mess, spilling juice, & tracking mud inside…eh whatever. I expect a base level of respect for my home but beyond that have at it!

  5. Ursi

    July 14, 2014 at 9:42 am

    I mean, I guess if you have kids it’s different. For me? My house is a mess but if I clean it so that people can come over I expect it to stay clean. It’s not a child-friendly place. I don’t really want children here because it’s not safe for them and they could break something. So if a friend brought a child I would do everything possible to make it a safe and friendly environment but parent might have to do a little extra work to keep their kid out of my stuff and I expect them to rise to the task. I mean, I can only put away so much breakable stuff.

    I’m not going to throw a fit if something spills on my rug, we have cats, I’ve dealt with spills and cleaned worse that juice out of a carpet. But knocking things over, pulling books off shelves, going through my cabinets– I cannot abide this.

    That being said I always make it clear to people that this isn’t a child-friendly place we live in. We are child-friendly people but most of our stuff is cat-proofed not primate-proofed. Opposable thumbs seem to make all the difference.

    • JenH1986

      July 14, 2014 at 9:51 am

      yep. We have this conversation all the time. We like kids, hope to have some one day. But we don’t have kids so there are sharp corners and no toys no kid movies, the kid can’t touch the Playstation etc. etc. if they want to bring their kid they are responsible for bringing things for their kids to do. We did have to ban one kid/family because their son is the spawn of satan. He wrote on my walls with permanent marker, dumped an entire 2 liter of coke on my carpet, pulls on my dogs ears, pokes her in the eye and then gets upset when we lock the dogs up because she starts to growl at him to tell him to back the fuck up. He threw dog shit at our neighbor kid, kicked a baby gate they brought over for their younger child so hard it took a chunk out of our wall. This btw was done in ONE evening…and he’s 8.

    • Ursi

      July 14, 2014 at 9:53 am

      I would definitely ban a child for that. Frankly, you try to torture my cats, you’re dead. They’re gentle souls and I never want them to even have to learn to flight back.

    • JenH1986

      July 14, 2014 at 9:57 am

      Before we got to him (after telling 1005135468435168 times to leave my dog alone) she snipped at him and he FREAKED out. I was literally walking over to take the dogs upstairs and she just couldn’t deal with it. I was waiting for her to demand she be put down or something but she did say “we told you not to mess with the dog, she would bite. Maybe from now on you won’t be mean to the dog.”

    • Gangle

      July 14, 2014 at 10:05 am

      I could NOT tolerate that. I love my pooch, and she is very kid friendly. But at the same time, any kids that visit must learn very quickly to be dog friendly. If The Mutty One has good manners enough to be soft and gentle with kids, kids must have the good manners to return the favour.

    • JenH1986

      July 14, 2014 at 10:08 am

      He is the ONLY kid we’ve had issues with. Our dogs are kid whores. They love them, they will allow kids to roll on them, sleep on them ride them. Even my grumpy ass 10 year old dog. Our dog immediately knew she messed up and pouted the entire night because she thought she was in trouble. I did tell her no, but I wasn’t too mad at her, she is an animal after all. She didn’t get him but…ugh. They recently asked to come over for a BBQ. My husband was like ok, if you get a sitter. The mom was like “still haven’t forgive him huh? That’s every day at our house”. My husband said “that’s your problem.” So they didn’t come over. lol

    • Gangle

      July 14, 2014 at 10:13 am

      There is always that ONE KID!

    • Iwill Findu

      July 14, 2014 at 11:49 am

      What I want to know is who on earth tries to invite themselves over? (with close family ok I’ll allow it) I was raised you don’t do that, if you want to see people at a BBQ you better darn well start planing to host a freaking BBQ. I’m not friends with anyone that does this and if were a planing a large group event then we’ll talk about it as a group and decide on who will be hosting based on what works best for everyone.

    • JenH1986

      July 14, 2014 at 3:36 pm

      These friends invite themselves ALL. THE. TIME. One Friday we went out to eat after work. Both of our phones were blowing up, we ignored it. We get home and they are sitting in our driveway. They were blowing us up because they came over to hang out unannounced. It was an hour drive so they didn’t feel like driving back home and decided to wait.

    • Iwill Findu

      July 14, 2014 at 3:53 pm

      WTF a sane person calls first before they pack up the kids (or pay for a sitter) drives an hour and show up unannounced all before supper time, because you know normal people have lives and stuff to do rather then just sitting around waiting for people to decide to crash their place. No wonder the kid is such a demon child when even the parents are lacking such basic manners.

    • aliceblue

      July 14, 2014 at 4:45 pm

      Beginning to see where “JR” gets his manners.

    • aliceblue

      July 14, 2014 at 4:44 pm

      Your husband rocks!!! (Both do actually for sticking to your guns but I LOVE that he actually said what so many of us think!)

    • JenH1986

      July 14, 2014 at 4:52 pm

      He has zero tolerance for stupidity. And no filter. Its part of his charm…most days. Lol

    • LiteBrite(UterineDudebro)

      July 14, 2014 at 11:33 am

      Thankfully my cats aren’t too fond of kids, so they pretty much bail out until next season whenever a kid comes over. But that’s one of my hard-and-fast rules too: do not mess with the cats.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 14, 2014 at 9:53 am

      Damn. Was the kid’s name Damien?

    • JenH1986

      July 14, 2014 at 9:55 am

      No…though I suggested changing it. His mom was all “so sorry, he’s just very energetic”. Bitch, he’s an asshole and you let him be one. Another thing got destroyed I was going to smack that kid.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 14, 2014 at 10:03 am

      Oh, I hate the “energetic” excuse. Too much energy? Go run around outside. Don’t break things and bother animals. That’s not being energetic, that’s being a little shit.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 10:22 am

      I bet she just believes he’s an “indigo child,” which is really just code for “I don’t have the patience or energy to discipline my child.”
      http://treasure.diylol.com/uploads/post/image/438743/resized_creepy-willy-wonka-meme-generator-ah-yes-tell-me-all-about-this-indigo-child-0302d0.jpg

    • sudden_valley

      July 14, 2014 at 10:26 am

      Now, now, I highly doubt that parents of indigo children are self-aware enough to realize they don’t have the patience to discipline their special blue snowflake. They really believe they would be crushing their children’s spirits! I would actually respect them more if they just admitted, “My child is indigo because I don’t give a fuck.”

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 10:43 am

      Good point. I completely agree.

    • Jezebeelzebub

      July 14, 2014 at 10:52 am

      I would fight that kid. I mean it. I’d fight him.

    • JenH1986

      July 14, 2014 at 11:06 am

      I have NEVER had the urge to smack a child. Until him. I had to walk away and let my husband deal with it. Because I wanted to whip that kids ass so bad.

    • Theresa Edwards

      July 14, 2014 at 11:09 am

      that is too old to do that kind of shit. I meant little, blobby children.

    • JenH1986

      July 14, 2014 at 11:46 am

      I would have been not happy but would have understood if he was 2. At 8 I wanted to throttle the kid. Actually, I wanted to beat the pee out his parents for allowing him to act that way. The hell that would have been brought on me for any ONE of those things growing up would have been enough to sit quietly the rest of the night.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 14, 2014 at 3:06 pm

      That kid’s parents need an ass whoopin’. Seriously. I have one particularly energetic 8 year old boy who knows what would happen if he even entertained the thought of doing even one of those things. I’d hate to see that little shit at school. Good Lord…

    • JenH1986

      July 14, 2014 at 3:34 pm

      I think he’s better at school They medicate him for that, it’s just weekends and at home (summer time) they don’t put him on it. So I think he is probably better behaved there.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 3:37 pm

      I don’t have a child with ADHD nor am I a doctor, but I can’t help but feel to yo-yo a child’s medication like that cannot be good for them.

    • JenH1986

      July 14, 2014 at 3:44 pm

      Which is something I mentioned. but…I’m not his parent so…I just said I encourage my clients to take medication EXACTLY as prescribed by the doctor, which is what I would recommend to any friend and if they are going to make any changes to medications they need to speak with their doctor. She thinks its a conspiracy, but she gives him the meds…it’s a mess. Basically I think they are just trying ot stretch the meds as far as possible for financial reasons.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 14, 2014 at 4:09 pm

      The aforementioned boisterous 8 year old that belongs to me does have ADHD. He’s medicated at school but not on the weekends or during the summer. His doctor was completely on board with it too. He can be a little hellion at times but not destructive and mean. We are teaching him what’s acceptable and what’s not. That kind of behavior can not be blamed on ADHD or any other illness.

    • JenH1986

      July 14, 2014 at 4:50 pm

      I have seen it work with others. Not with this kid. I can tell when hour 13 kicks in and his meds are done. They also don’t work with him like you do. They just let him do his thing. 🙁

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 15, 2014 at 1:52 am

      That’s really sad. Medication is just one tool in the box.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 14, 2014 at 9:57 am

      I am so, so much more vigilant abouty kid’s behavior in other people’s houses than my own. In our house, we only restrict a lot of stuff due to safety reasons–don’t touch because it’s hot, don’t climb, etc. Any stuff I have that’s breakable and valuable we have put away. The carpet is a lost cause and we aren’t going to replace it til after he’s done potty training and spilling food everywhere.
      But in other people’s houses? We are all over him to behave appropriately. I’d be mortified if my kid broke something at someone else’s house.

    • aliceblue

      July 14, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      SO the thumbs. I’ve frequently said that if my Bengal had thumbs he’d rule the world. (Even without them he can open cabinets and go through them. Thankfully he’s not inclined to knock things over).

    • Ursi

      July 14, 2014 at 5:37 pm

      Yep, ours opens cabinets! it his gift, it is my curse.

  6. Jamie

    July 14, 2014 at 9:45 am

    I also love a clean house, but I have lots of kids, so I have kid friendly areas of my home that the kids are responsible for taking care of and rules about what happens where. We rarely eat anywhere other than the kitchen or dining room (and if we do, it’s usually outside!) and the girls know that makeup and nail polish stay in their bathroom (much easier to wipe spills off linoleum than upholstery!). Play-doh and arts and crafts happen at our kitchen island for easy clean up.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 9:46 am

      Yes, this is perfect! There’s nothing wrong with being messy….but there is a time and a place for it!

    • Sara610

      July 14, 2014 at 9:48 am

      My cousin and his wife are like that. They live in a beautiful home that’s kept really clean and nice-looking, and then they have a finished basement where their two girls can entertain friends, do their homework, play, etc. And their rooms of course, but the common areas (kitchen, living room, dining room) are kept clean and free of clutter, and the girls are expected to help with that.

  7. Sara610

    July 14, 2014 at 9:46 am

    I think there’s a lot here that’s context-dependent. When we say “children”, are we talking about babies and toddlers, or upper-elementary-school kids? Because there are some behaviors that are perfectly normal and acceptable in very young children (like getting cracker crumbs in the carpet) that I would expect a 10-year-old to be able to avoid, or at the very least, clean up after making the mess.

    When we say “trash your house”, do we mean track mud inside and accidentally break a plate, or run around like a screaming banshee, jumping on the sofa and purposely hurling vases and household pets across the room?

    In general, I agree that kids have to be allowed to be kids, and if you’re going to host children in your home, you have to understand that even the most well-behaved kids spill and break things and therefore you shouldn’t invite them over if you have things out that are irreplaceable or very expensive. At the same time, kids need to be taught a basic level of respect for other people’s belongings. And yes, that means understanding that when you’re a guest in someone else’s house, you’re not in your own house and you can’t treat their belongings like your own. There’s an extra level of care and respect that’s appropriate, and kids are never too young to start teaching that.

    I think it all comes down to happy medium between “YOUR CHILD IS NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH ANYTHING” and “Hey, look at that–my fourth grader just purposely smeared ketchup on your wall! Oh well, kids will be kids, amirite? What are you gonna do?!”

  8. guest

    July 14, 2014 at 9:59 am

    Just to be clear.. are you talking about Poo-Pouri? Because I really want to try that spray. Does it work well?

    • JenH1986

      July 14, 2014 at 10:04 am

      We sold it at the bookstore I worked at. We’d get it in on Friday and by Sunday it was gone. Every single month. So I’m going to say yes.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 10:16 am

      Just curious…did you sell Poo-Pouri at a bookstore because so many people read books while pooping in the bathroom? I mean, it just seems like a random thing to sell at a bookstore, you know what I mean?

    • candyvines

      July 14, 2014 at 10:57 am

      We can’t take this back, it’s been flagged.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 11:03 am

      What?

    • candyvines

      July 14, 2014 at 11:05 am

      Oh, sorry, Seinfeld joke when George takes the book in the bookstore restroom and they make him buy it.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 11:07 am

      Much to my husband’s chagrin….I am not much of a Seinfeld fan. And I never watched Friends, either.

      *Prepares to be stoned*

    • candyvines

      July 14, 2014 at 11:09 am

      I will continue to lob Seinfeld quotes at you, not rocks. JK, it’s just TV, who cares?

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 11:17 am

      Oh, I know! I was joking….kind of. : People are always so SHOCKED when I don’t know Seinfeld or Friends quotes. Apparently I missed out on a huge piece of Americana or something. But I can quote you some mad Full House, so there’s that.

    • candyvines

      July 14, 2014 at 11:23 am

      Friends and Seinfeld are on all the time, so I watch occasionally. I didn’t watch them religiously when they were on-air. Guess I had more social obligations in high school than I do now.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 11:33 am

      My husband is ten years older than me so while he was watching Seinfeld in the early 90s, I was more into Full House and the rest of the TGIF line-up. It’s kind of funny at times – he was astonished at the fact that I never saw The Goonies as a kid but I had to remind him I was playing with My Little Pony when that movie came out. Seinfeld was way over my head and quite frankly…I’m just not that into thirty minute sitcoms. I was watching Buffy, Dawson’s Creek, and 90210 in middle and high school.

    • candyvines

      July 14, 2014 at 11:46 am

      I forgot about TGIF! Thanks for that memory 🙂
      90210 was amazing. And Melrose Place, natch.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 14, 2014 at 11:17 am

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 11:19 am

    • Spongeworthy

      July 14, 2014 at 11:29 am

      Haha! I’ve had people throw shade at me for not watching Lost. People get touchy about their TV.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 11:35 am

      I’ve started watching Scandal and Downton Abbey (and subsequently have become addicted to both) because I was tired of being left out of the lunchtime chatter at work. Seriously.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 14, 2014 at 3:51 pm

      Yeahhhhh maybe just don’t admit that one out loud…

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 5:25 pm

      I’m with Spongeworthy….never seen an episode of Lost either.

      Jeez. What did I used to DO with my time?! Oh yeah. America’s Next Top Model, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Real Housewives of Every. Damn. City. (Except Dallas because obviously that would just be TOO much fabulous to handle.)

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 14, 2014 at 5:38 pm

      Hahah I’ve never seen an episode of any of those shows! I haven’t seen Friends either, though.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 6:23 pm

      Don’t fear. You haven’t missed much.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 14, 2014 at 8:11 pm

      I just. couldn’t. do it. I tried! But it just didn’t click for me. And usually I am all over stuff like that.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 14, 2014 at 11:17 am

      I got it! Surprise surprise 🙂

    • JenH1986

      July 14, 2014 at 11:02 am

      LOL I worked for an independent bookstore. So we actually had all sorts of random things. We sold scarves, handbags, jewelry etc. Poo-Pouri was just one of those odd things we sold. There are a couple of different stores and each store had it’s own unique set of items. All of them sold things like the poo-pouri or the scarves but they also sold food items from the area etc.

    • Theresa Edwards

      July 14, 2014 at 10:59 am

      YES! I got it cause I thought it would be funny and its amaze.

    • guest

      July 14, 2014 at 3:17 pm

      I’m so happy to hear that. Stocking stuffers for everyone in my family this year! I love their commercial too 🙂

  9. Cruelty Cupcake

    July 14, 2014 at 10:00 am

    I agree to an extent, like I expect toddlers to pull everything out and wreck the toy boxes. I still keep rules though…no shoes, no food/drink on my furniture, no pulling all my books down and ripping pages, no hitting my dog (though this is never an issue, I keep her safely separated from children bc they are usually monsters). Unless I invite someone over for a meal, I think it’s bizarre that their kid can’t make it through a playdate without a snack. Why does everyone want to feed their kid 24/7 anyway? Based on playdate history and frequent park attendance, I know I’m in the minority here but I just don’t get it.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 14, 2014 at 3:11 pm

      I’m with you on the snacks. Good night nurse. They do not need to eat every hour. Reasonable meals will suffice, thankyouverymuch. I have been known to take snacks if we are going to be gone for a while and maybe have a meal later than usual but this is not common. Mine have tried the, “I’m hungry!” an hour after a meal and my usual response is, “No, you’re not.” It’s just not that hard.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 3:33 pm

      And don’t get me started on snacks in the car. No. Absolutely not. Except for long road trips, we don’t eat food in the car. Never.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 14, 2014 at 4:11 pm

      Us either. Even when we went to the beach (8 hour drive) we didn’t. We packed lunch and stopped on the way to eat but we aren’t a snacky family. I never started it so they don’t know any other way.

  10. Airbones

    July 14, 2014 at 10:20 am

    You’re my spirit animal.

  11. Megan

    July 14, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Can we talk about Mrs. Meyers ? Because I know everyone is gaga over it, but I don’t know if I’m sniffing the right scents bc every time I go to Target I smell it and I just don’t swoon over it the way I do over Method. ( to be fair, my current Method scent is a limited summer edition of salted margarita with lime, so there really isn’t a contest right now ) What Meyers smells are the best ones?

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 14, 2014 at 10:33 am

      Method is definitely better! Mrs. Meyers just has better packaging.

    • Megan

      July 14, 2014 at 10:44 am

      This has been my secret suspicion! But no one has ever agreed with me IRL and Eve is a die hard Mrs. Meyers fan, so I didn’t want to say it and get booted from Mommyish. Can I hide behind your skirts now please?

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 14, 2014 at 11:30 am

      Anytime! JR Watkins is cuter than Mrs. Meyers, but that shit is just too expensive. Also gonna go ahead and say Mrs. Meyers makes the shittiest candles on earth.

    • Megan

      July 14, 2014 at 11:39 am

      And they are freaking expensive!

    • Theresa Edwards

      July 14, 2014 at 10:55 am

      #howfuckingdareyou

    • Jezebeelzebub

      July 14, 2014 at 11:13 am

      FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! I just hallucinated myself and y’all in the lunchroom of my middle school all fixin to go at it in the Method vs Mrs Meyers THUNDERDOME! This scenario will carry me through my entire day. #girlfight

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 14, 2014 at 11:28 am

      SORRY NOT SORRY

    • candyvines

      July 14, 2014 at 10:45 am

      My favorites are Radish and Lavender. I don’t really care for most of the other scents. They used to make one called Baby Blossom that was the best, but I think they discontinued it. FWIW – I only use the handsoaps, I use Method for cleaning.

    • Megan

      July 14, 2014 at 10:49 am

      I do really like the radish, I found a mini dish soap of it once, but I’ve never seen it as a cleaner. Another vote for Method makes me feel better 🙂

    • candyvines

      July 14, 2014 at 10:55 am

      Cook’s Illustrated did a comparison on kitchen cleaners and Method Lavender was the winner!

    • aCongaLine

      July 14, 2014 at 2:09 pm

      Oh, GOd, Method. I love it.

  12. Saygın Er

    July 14, 2014 at 10:48 am

  13. Jezebeelzebub

    July 14, 2014 at 10:50 am

    THERESA EDWARDS, YOU ARE A NICE LADY! I wanted to make sure she saw that. So I don;t think she was giving carte blanche to break all her shit on purpose or piss on her curtains and stuff- at least that’s not how I took her article. My mother was hypervigilant about the state of her home and would just about lose her mind if she couldn’t clean baseboards once a week. I had a grand total of 2 sleepovers at my house when I was a kid because Mom was just too high-strung to handle that sort of thing, plus there had to be a Purge before anyone stepped foot into our house. For real, y’all- houseguest prep time was about a week long…. SO not worth it. Now *I’M* the parent and I’m not interested in making sure my living room could double as an OR. The only thing I’m anal about is clean toilets. I like a clean house too, but hell- I LIVE here. my kid lives here, the dogs live here- we fuck up the house just by living in it, so whatever. I’ll unfuck it eventually. When other kids come over all I really care about is them not whining incessantly and allowing us grown-ups to have friggin Grown-Up Time where we can talk shit about other grown-ups and say “fuck” a lot.

    However, I will say this: Nobody fucks with Sophia (she’s a dog…. she’s not my pet, though. She is my homie/roommate/best friend) with impunity. First time a kid looks at her like she might be fun to ride or like her eye is so shiny it should be poked, I’m all over that kid like white on rice. Lipschitz (Sophia’s and my dog) is fair game, though. She’s small enough to hide and evil enough to exact revenge- like if your kid pokes Lipschitz in the eye, don;t be surprised if your tires get cut or your mailbox gets set on fire. Lipschitz *knows* people.

    • Theresa Edwards

      July 14, 2014 at 10:55 am

      you are also a nice lady 🙂

    • Jezebeelzebub

      July 14, 2014 at 10:59 am

      I wish I knew you in real life. I bet you would come help me unfuck my laundry room. In return, I would mad-dog everyone who has ever been mean to you.

  14. LiteBrite(UterineDudebro)

    July 14, 2014 at 11:48 am

    I like a clean house too. Clutter disturbs me. However, I’ve found keeping a spotless house with an active six-year-old is a supreme effort that I’m not willing to make. I try to keep certain things in certain places (Play-Doh and other crafty-type projects are done in the basement because I plan on replacing that carpet in a few years thus could give a crap what it looks like now), but it’s still hard to keep it spotless for more than a day.

    And considering I spilled a whole bottle of marinara sauce on the living room carpet the other day, I suppose I can’t come down too hard for my kid for spilling a few drops of juice.

  15. SA

    July 14, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    Accidental spills and toys getting strewn about is one thing, but I don’t think I could ever tolerate children coming over and destroying my house. We sit down with snacks and drinks, no climbing all over furniture, etc. Even with toddlers. I don’t expect my floors to be shinning when people leave, but I have had guests come over that let their children disrespect my home and I have not had them back.

    That being said it is probably the adult wine spills on the floor that cause the most problems when we have people over, most of which are probably mine. 🙂

  16. aCongaLine

    July 14, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    My MIL keeps an immaculate house…. and begs us to visit. We’ve tapered off on the visits, to the point where we actually have no future plans of going at all (visiting requires an overnight stay, and even without a hotel, the travel is expensive). We’ve got a nearly- 3 year old, and a 14 month old, and MIL likes to collects breakable items and leave them, neatly, in low, reachable places. This past winter, she put out her thousand dollar, very shatterable Santa collection on the bottom shelves of all her cabinets and bookcases, “so the kids could look at them.” Hubs and I spent Christmas with each kid in a headlock, because they wanted to paw up the Santas.

    Visiting her house is like visiting a museum, and it’s just a headache. We’ve decided that if she wants to see the kids, she’s going to have to come to us (for a change). Too neat, and too breakable, for our very normal, not-overly-destructive girls.

    I think, at least for parents of small children, visiting a house that is like a museum is more of a headache than one that is like a page out of “Real Simple.” Sometimes, “Oh no, we’d destroy your house!” is code for “I ain’t got the bank to replace your delicate stuff.”

    • Iwill Findu

      July 14, 2014 at 4:03 pm

      Your MIL should know better, she raised your husband after all. Or does she suffer from the “good old days” in which in her day small children and babies never touched anything? I mean I sort of get that kinda thing from people that have never had kids, but Grandparents wow.

    • aCongaLine

      July 14, 2014 at 4:15 pm

      Yeah, she’s delusional. I’m not sure what really goes on in her mind.

  17. redzulu

    July 14, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    I’m going to mention this to you when my son Crayolas your wall when we are visiting. New house, shmu house, he’s just a kid, right? lol 😉 (I tease)

  18. Katherine Handcock

    July 14, 2014 at 10:00 pm

    You are my new favourite person. Seriously, I have total respect for people who keep their houses immaculate, but I wholeheartedly believe that houses are for living in, and if keeping the house clean is a priority over living, that bothers me. It’s so nice to know that there are people out there who understand that! 🙂

  19. Mad Overlord

    July 15, 2014 at 1:49 am

    I would prefer if you would destroy my husband, and not me, if he stuck gum under your table. Not that he would, but still…

  20. JudyEauFraiche

    July 15, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Especially if cleanliness and neatness are things you value, I think it’d be awesome for your little one to join mom in taking care of the house and straightening up after playtime! It’d probably be a bonding experience between mom and daughter, and will help her learn respect for her things and the family home. 🙂

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