Holidays

It’s Not Even Halloween Yet, So Put Down The Goddamn Gingerbread

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halloween pumpkin wearing santa hatWe are just over halfway through the month of October, and some of you out there (you know who you are) are already decking your proverbial halls. If you’re among those who start playing Christmas tunes as of October 1 or who have already dusted off that smug, smarmy Elf on the Shelf, I have a request for you: kindly knock it the hell off until the day after Thanksgiving at the absolute earliest.

Look, I understand being emotionally invested in a specific season. I spent the month of September in the back of my closet, stroking the sleeves of my favorite flannel shirts and whispering “SOON, MY PRECIOUS, SOON” to them. I went to the grocery store last night and bought pumpkin spice eggnog, pumpkin spice Oreos, and pumpkin chocolate chip bread. Last weekend I went to a corn maze with my friends, sans kids, and I did not do it ironically. I am going to eat turkey sandwiches for a week after Thanksgiving, and I’m going to enjoy every bite. I don’t care how much of a #basicbitch it makes me, I live for autumn, and I am not willing to let you crush the season into the first two weeks of October.

Please, just give me a little more time to enjoy the season. I haven’t even managed to put the pumpkins I bought out on the front porch yet. I haven’t made my world-famous pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. The grocery store by our house is even out of the limited edition pumpkin spice almonds that Planters makes already. ALREADY. You can’t do this to me, okay? I have needs, and one of those needs is a constant stream of pumpkin-flavored foods until at least Thanksgiving.

I cannot possibly be expected to rake my yard and then have to come in and drink gingerbread coffee to warm up. That is so wrong already, and if I turn on the radio to hear “Santa Baby” while I’m drinking that swill, I’m going to lose it. I still have to fit in Halloween, Thanksgiving, and my kids’ birthday between now and the end of Thanksgiving, and I already feel cramped enough for time as it is. Feeling the icy, vaguely peppermint-scented breath of Father Christmas on the back of my neck is not helping me maintain a sense of calm about all I still have to finish. If you offer me a Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cake, I just might have an apoplectic fit.

So please, do me and the rest of the #basic fall-savorers a favor: take down your Christmas lights. Shun the snowman-embroidered napkins and place mats at the department store. Don’t tell me how much of your Christmas shopping you’ve already got done. And if you really, really must play Christmas music in the car, please don’t do it when you have passengers, and keep your windows rolled up to contain the cheery contagion.

And if you don’t fall in line with my autumn agenda, you’d better watch your step. I have a bag of pastel candies and some plastic eggs, and they just might find their way into your life halfway through December if you aren’t careful. You want to cram Christmas into my fall festivities? Hope you like Easter in December, jerkwads.

(Image: alexmillos/Shutterstock)

46 Comments

  1. Mystik Spiral

    October 17, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    Halloween/fall >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Christmas.

  2. guest

    October 17, 2014 at 3:12 pm

  3. noodlestein's danger tits

    October 17, 2014 at 3:27 pm

  4. Rachel Sea

    October 17, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    You are missing the most epic use of ginger bread: the haunted gingerbread house. You’re welcome.

    • AP

      October 17, 2014 at 3:40 pm

      I don’t get haunted gingerbread houses. No one ever eats the Christmas ones, and they always end up stale and dust-covered by MLK Day. Why waste food twice?

    • Rachel Sea

      October 17, 2014 at 5:05 pm

      What is this not-eating of which you speak? In my world, you build it, wait for the icing to harden, take a picture (this is not one of ours, ours look rather more like we had been imbibing all the wine) and then you shove it in your candy hole with more wine.

    • Ms.Anne'sNotoriousLadygarden

      October 17, 2014 at 7:00 pm

      Christmas Day gingerbread house annihilation was a key part of my childhood.

    • Bonnie_Coronado

      October 17, 2014 at 8:07 pm

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    • Chantal990

      October 17, 2014 at 6:21 pm

      People don’t eat gingerbread houses? Maybe it has something to do with being in Australia but if I am spending hours in one of the circles of hell that is my kitchen in Summer baking and putting together a house damn straight we are eating it (after a photo of course before the whole thing melts into a sticky yummy mess)

  5. Life-Sized Mommy

    October 17, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    You can have Christmas when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

    Here’s the deal…I hate winter. I hate cold. I live for summer. If it’s not warm enough to swim, I’m miserable. So Christmas is the only thing I have to enjoy for approximately six months out of the year. Combine that with the fact that gift shopping is my favorite hobby and I love all things white chocolate and peppermint.

    So, I start my Christmas shopping in September. All gifts are wrapped and hidden away in the attic prior to Halloween. Christmas music starts November 1st in my house, as does all Christmas-related treats. The second white chocolate-covered Oreos hit the shelf, I’m in Heaven.

    I HAVE to extend the Christmas season because, the sad truth is, once it’s over, there’s nothing but bleak, rainy, cold winter, with no joy in sight for months and months. I even schedule an annual family vacation for directly after Christmas just to delay the post-Christmas joy hangover. (Seriously, we leave on December 26th this year.)

    So, I don’t mind if you keep your (IMO disgusting) pumpkin-flavored goodies going until Thanksgiving, if you’ll let me have my peppermint white mocha in peace, and don’t side-eye me at Target when my shopping cart is filled with wrapping paper in mid-October.

    Please. I need this.

    • guest

      October 17, 2014 at 4:04 pm

      Ohhh girl you need to bump out the vacation day and go to the after Christmas clearance sales for all that wrapping paper! Deals galore!
      This year I actually had a bunch of Halloween stuff I got at a bajillion percent off because I did Halloween clearance shopping too 😉

    • Looby

      October 17, 2014 at 4:10 pm

      I love you.

    • Pumplestilskin

      October 17, 2014 at 5:44 pm

      Halloween starts off a 6-7 month festival of holidays. We do it up fir every holiday from Halloween straight through Easter. We have yearly traditions and decorations for all of them and it really helps to break up the nasty, nasty Western New York winter.

    • Amber Leigh Wood

      October 17, 2014 at 5:51 pm

      Come to Australia… Where you get Christmas in the middle of summer

    • Chantal990

      October 17, 2014 at 6:25 pm

      My family always tries for the northern hemisphere style Christmas dinner with all the trimmings in 40 degree heat. The kind that makes the back of your legs stick to the cheap plastic chair that everyones grand[arents seem to have 🙂 Backyard cricket and booze Christmas in Australia is awesome.

    • My2bits

      October 17, 2014 at 9:26 pm

      Haha. I had to read your comment twice before I remembered that the 40 degrees Fahrenheit Christmas here are quite different from your 40 degree Celcius Christmas there.

    • Aussiemum

      October 19, 2014 at 7:38 am

      I’m in perth and last year it wasn’t too bad, it was only like 34-35 if I remember rightly. We have seafood and beer for Christmas lunch 🙂 and this year I’m not leaving my house, since we now have a pool woohoo

    • ToninaMDC

      October 17, 2014 at 6:38 pm

      Dear god, that sounds absolutely horrible to me. OTOH, I’m a confirmed hater of summer. I never understood why anyone would want to go on vacation to some hot and sweaty locale for Christmas. How could anyone bear to bake Christmas goodies at the height of summer?

  6. AP

    October 17, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    With regards to Easter in December…I’ve been in CVS on December 26-28 the past few years, and what do they have out right next to the 50% off Christmas stuff? Cadbury Mini Eggs. I have a picture somewhere of a display of them perfectly framed with a giant Santa looking down knowingly. I also routinely find Valentine’s Day stuff on sale at Target while Christmas shopping…before Christmas.

    When I lived in Boston, I totally understood the Easter creep. Winter was nasty, and we all liked a tiny flash of fake daffodils here and pastel eggs there that less cold times were just around the corner. Now that I live in California, it’s just ridiculous, because it seldom gets below 55 in the winter and the summer is brutally, bakingly hot and dry.

  7. rockmonster

    October 17, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    Holiday season starts according to retail:
    New Years’: December
    Valentine’s Day: December
    St. Patrick’s Day: The week before
    Easter: Christmas Day
    Cinco de Mayo: None, most stores will make you just buy generic tropical decor
    Independence Day (US): Late June
    Halloween: July
    Thanksgiving: Huh?
    Christmas: August

    Anything I missed/got wrong?

    • Looby

      October 17, 2014 at 4:12 pm

      you missed back to school in may…

    • AP

      October 18, 2014 at 12:27 am

      Housewares stores (Bed Bath and Beyond, Williams-Sonoma, Crate and Barrel) as well as department store housewares departments usually acknowledge Thanksgiving. I get lots of circulars from BB&B in November festooned with rust-colored napkin rings, oven thermometers, and giant serving platters.

    • hdonovan

      October 18, 2014 at 3:50 pm

      Sad but true. My grandmother, to the very end of her life, put up a valiant battle against making Thanksgiving “Huh?” and I feel a commitment to carry on good fight. Therefore, I now own a vast collection of paper napkins with turkeys and cornucopias on them because I feel a physical need to buy them the rare times I actually see them in the store.

  8. Lilly

    October 17, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    Thanksgiving was last weekend here in Canada so it is totally time for Christmas

    • rockmonster

      October 17, 2014 at 3:53 pm

      Happy belated Thanksgiving!

    • pixie Ninja Tits

      October 17, 2014 at 3:54 pm

      Nope, not until after Halloween. 😉
      Seriously, it freaks me out when I see Halloween costumes next to the Christmas decorations at Walmart/Target/everywhere.

    • Gruzinkerbell

      October 20, 2014 at 8:53 am

      Preach it. I was at the Children’s Place yesterday, helping my mom pick out some baby clothes for my newest cousin and on one side of the rack was Halloween outfits, with Christmas themed clothes just on the other side. It’s too soon!

    • leahdawn

      October 17, 2014 at 4:27 pm

      I was just about to whip out this snappy retort and you beat me to it!
      I have been forced to swear that I shall not break out the Christmas tunes until the day after Halloween. But on November 1 we are going full-blown-tinsel-coated-holly-jolly-Christmas-explosion up in here.

  9. Kids, huh

    October 17, 2014 at 4:23 pm

    Pumpkin sisterhood ALL THE WAY! This is the most wonderful time of the year. Suck it, Santa!

  10. Ezzy666

    October 17, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    I do Halloween and New Years Eve. I can ignore the Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff. I will not do extra at work b/c people choose to run themselves over those two holidays.

  11. ToninaMDC

    October 17, 2014 at 5:38 pm

    I am also a fall fanatic. I live for gorgeous autumn foliage, cool days and deliciously crisp nights, lots of football, those amazing perfect blue skies you only ever get during October, pumpkins and pumpkiny baked goods everywhere, and Halloween and its perfect excuse for having candy around all the time. I really enjoy Christmas, winter, and snow, but I LOVE autumn.

    That said, once Halloween’s done and daylight savings is over, it’s time to bust out the Christmas gear. If I wait till after Thanksgiving, I’ll only get a few brief, busy weeks to put up my much-loved Christmas decorations up. Plus, I wait all year for the holiday baking season, and I’m not about to scrunch all its the-calories-don’t-count-because-it’s-The-Holidays goodness into the gap between Thanksgiving and Christmas! I am your ally until November 2, but from then I’m a Christmas gal. 🙂

  12. persnicketythecat

    October 17, 2014 at 6:21 pm

    So true! Why such a rush to the holidays! I’ve seen Halloween stuff out in August! It’s crazy!

  13. Annee

    October 17, 2014 at 6:30 pm

    As a former military spouse – no Christmas decorations go up in the house until after November 11 – Remembrance Day.

  14. Fatpants

    October 17, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    When working in retail through high school and college, the WORST part of the period of time from Halloween-on (besides the same 7 or 8 christmas songs playing on repeat starting in October) was the barrage of comments from customers. “Christmas already? But it’s not even Halloween, yet! What are you thinking, setting up Christmas trees?!”. Uhh well I’m 17 and this is the floor plan from corporate, but thanks for thinking I’m in charge of ruining fall!

  15. Kathryn Mackenzie

    October 18, 2014 at 1:46 am

    Gingerbread and hot cross buns are awesome and should be sold all year.

  16. cas

    October 18, 2014 at 2:26 am

    I get so angry hearing Christmas music before Thanksgiving. Like, my relatives hate going to the mall with me because of my ranting and bitching. Plus, I need ALL the pimpkin flavored things. They’re opening a Dunkin Donuts by my house in a week or two and there DAMN WELL better still be pumpkin stuff when they do.

  17. Alanna Jorgensen

    October 18, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    My decorating schedule:

    October 1st: Halloween. I currently have spider lights in my window with window clings, spider webbing on the hedge, pumpkin garland and paper rats climbing the walls, plus a plethora of Halloween themed candles and knick knacks.

    November 1st: Generic fall decorations, leaves and gourds and such

    Day after Thanksgiving: Christmaspalooza begins!

    I am very serious about decorating, and each holiday must get its full due.

  18. Persistent Cat

    October 18, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    A pet peeve of mine is listening to people complain about stores putting out the Christmas stuff right after Labour Day or even the commercialism of Christmas. Christmas fuels the economy and allows us to have retail choice so I embrace it.

    I also worked retail for years during high school and through university so it was the only time of year I actually made money.

  19. Allyson_et_al

    October 18, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    We have a hard and fast rule at our house: no Christmas music or DVDs until Santa arrives at Macy’s at the end of the Thanksgiving Day Parade. If we are traveling Thanksgiving morning, which we do every other year, we allow Christmas music in the car. This is less of a big deal now, but when the kids were little, I really didn’t want to have to watch Rudolph 37 times in a row in August, and I wanted the holiday season to be special for me, my husband, and the kids.

    Our other big tradition is that Thanksgiving night, we get into the car and drive around looking for Christmas lights. We try to do this once a weekend until Christmas. We also all agree on absolutely no “Black Friday” shopping until Friday after breakfast, if then. I hate the craziness of the sales, and the idea of ruining all those retail workers’ holidays by making them come in Thanksgiving night.

  20. AP

    October 18, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    I really hate the commercialization of fall (and seasons in general.) I like pumpkins and pumpkin spice, but do we really need Pumpkin Spice Oreos? Or Pumpkin Spice Baking Chips? Or Fall Caramel Apple…candy corn? Do we need full-out lawn lighting for Halloween, or glitter leaf table scatter? No. No we do not.

    (Disclaimer: I may own some Halloween colored Christmas lights. I bought purple because, well, purple, but I just added some orange because they looked lonely.)

  21. TheQuirkyDiva

    October 19, 2014 at 10:56 am

    I totally agree about the music. The local station here will start Christmas music on November 1!!. But this year, I am breaking my decades-long rule of not decorating for Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving. I throw a massive open-house on the Sunday after Thanksgiving every year and it just about kills me to get everything done during the two days in between. I’ve even bought some decorations already, for fear that they will be gone if I wait too long. I guess I have been brainwashed by retail…

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  23. RCIAG

    October 21, 2014 at 12:01 am

    I walked into Big Lots several weeks ago in September & they had ALL THE CHRISTMAS STUFF OUT!! I went in looking for something Halloween related & saw 10 fully lit & decorated Christmas trees & I turned around & walked right out.

    I think most stores would skip Halloween all together if they could get away with it. That’s why most stores now invest in mostly candy & costumes instead of decor or props.

    I swear that Target sets up its Halloween section according to their Christmas plans so they don’t have to rearrange everything next week which is when they’ll start moving the Halloween stuff back & put it 50% off. They just have to stuff the remnants of Halloween (which is mostly the baking stuff no one buys & the weird candy no one wants) into one aisle & move in Christmas.

    Not everyone will decorate for Halloween but most will either 1)give out or buy the candy 2)have kids that need to dress up or have an adult party they need a costume for so stores now go heavily on those 2 things.

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