This Children’s Book Uses Science To Make Kids Fall Asleep, So Shut Up And Take My Money

I think everyone plays “What superpower would you pick?” from time to time. Would you fly? Be invisible? How can you game the rules to get all the powers at once? I always picked flight, until I had a baby. At that point I decided I would actually give up flight, invisibility, and even telekinesis for the ability to make babies fall asleep.

When you think about it, it just makes sense from a personal and economic perspective. Imagine how much I could charge Kate Middleton if I could make Princess Charlotte fall asleep just by pointing at her. I could probably get six figures just to ride with Kim Kardashian on an international flight and make sure North West stays asleep long enough for her to have some cocktails and a nap. The ability to make kids fall asleep really might be worth more than flight or invisibility, and now there’s a psychologist who says he has harnessed that power into one shockingly effective bedtime story.

According to The Telegraph, Swedish behavioral psychologist and linguist Carl-Johan Forssen Ehrlin has written a book that reportedly uses psychological techniques to make children fall asleep. It is called “The Rabbit Who Wants to Fall Asleep,” and it is currently the #1 selling book on Amazon in the UK, because duh, of course it is. I only had to read the headline on the Telegraph article before I was shouting, “Give it! Give it now!” and trying to claw my way into the computer. A book that promises to put children to sleep is basically a license to print money. I mean, I’d probably buy it even if you told me all the pages were soaked in Benadryl. I’d just wear gloves while reading it so I could go watch Hannibal for an hour after the book did its work.

The book reportedly emphasizes intonation and has parents yawn frequently and emphasize certain italicized words in the document. There are pictures. The pictures don’t look very good, but honestly the book could be illustrated with Mapplethorpe photos and I would still read it to my daughter if it would put her to sleep.

Forssen Ehrlin self-published the book through Amazon’s CreateSpace platform, and it’s the first self-published book to ever hit the top spot on Amazon’s sales charts. It’s even out selling Harper Lee’s Go Set A Watchman,  which is not that surprising considering there are a lot of tired, desperate parents out there in the world. A shocking number of the reviews say the book works, though there are many naysayers as well. It seems like a bit of a gamble, but hope springs eternal and I am willing to take a $12 gamble on anything that could make my kid fall asleep. (God, I hope it works. I really hope it works.)

There’s an audio version as well, with a narrator with a deep, calming voice and some background music that sounds like what plays in a spa when you get a massage. If it does not put babies to sleep, it will probably at least knock parents right out.

Crucial Update: Um, guys, I think it worked! I only tried it once so far, and I don’t want to jinx it because it could have been a coincidence, but I tried the audio version last night and I think it works. About 5 minutes in the baby was like, “Zzzzz.” About 10 minutes in, I also was like, “Zzzzz.” I do not know how the story ends because I fell asleep. I hope I never find out.

Photo: Amazon