STFU Parents: How To MommyJack Your Friends’ Life Milestones

Yesterday I revealed that I do, in fact, have a name and that I also have a forthcoming book! It’s an exciting time, especially since I’ve been working on the STFU, Parents blog (and book) for several years. This got me thinking about a post I put up on the blog a while back about people who mommyjack their friends’ milestones. What is it about someone else’s good fortune, happiness, or success that causes some of us to immediately counter with an anecdote about ourselves? I know that I myself have been guilty of this, not on Facebook, per se, but in general. Whenever someone says something like, “I can’t believe I graduated/ran across the finish/am finally a home owner,” a voice inside my head processes that information and, occasionally, regurgitates some fun (or bitter) fact about my own life. I try to keep that information from actually leaving my head, though because I know it’s rude to steal someone’s thunder (or rain on their parade…whichever weather analogy you prefer). This is why I think it’s so hilarious and astonishing that so many other people don’t hold back.

I receive a lot of milestonejacking submissions, and they all reflect a self-absorbed attitude that, while innate to most people, probably shouldn’t be revealed on social media. You don’t want people to know that when you heard they were getting a raise, the first thing you thought was, “I want a raise!” and not, “Congratulations!” Or, in the case of parenting, you don’t want anyone to know that when you heard the word “raise” your first thought was, “I deserve a ‘raise’ after putting up with my kid’s last tantrum!” That’s not helpful to the discussion, and it totally detracts from the person’s original update. Thankfully, no one has milestonejacked my news about the book, but if they did, it’d probably sound a lot like the below examples. Let’s check out some of the ways people have injected themselves into their friends’ updates about significant moments in their lives.

1. WeddingJacking

STFU Parents

Jamie is totally sincere, and sincerity goes a long way, in my opinion. However, when I think of a traditional wedding, I imagine a bride in a beautiful white dress, and Jamie’s comment essentially shat all over that mental picture. All he had to do was avoid going into too much detail about why he couldn’t make it, but unfortunately he took his comment in a much more unsettling direction.

2. AnniversaryJacking

STFU Parents

Hey, Julie, cool story, but no one cares about the fact that Sheila and her husband got married two days after little Hannah (who is now six) was born. Maybe if it’d been on the same day it’d be worth mentioning (unlikely), but anything else just sounds awkward. “Holy moly, Sheila, you got married exactly 72 hours after I bought my new car!” “Congrats, Sheila, you were getting married one week, four days, and 16 hours after I got a huge mole removed!” It just doesn’t make any sense.

3. MarathonJacking

STFU Parents

Similar to example #3, Lois is relating her future due date to someone running a marathon. And the funny thing is, giving birth and running a marathon actually share a few characteristics. You have to watch what you eat, have a lot of patience, and generally look forward to the reward of completing a long journey just to make it through. But the difference is, Susannah is actually going to run a marathon on a certain day at a certain time, and Lois isn’t. She’s being realistic about when she might give birth, but it would be still be kind of nice if Lois actually acknowledged the hard work and training that Susannah is putting herself through before making any labor jokes.

4. CareerJacking

STFU Parents

According to the submitter, J. is in medical school. K. didn’t make the mistake of not acknowledging J.’s commitment to becoming a doctor, but she did bring up something irrelevant to the topic that could’ve been left for another time. I understand that K. is proud and perhaps associating J.’s dedication to school to her own daughter’s scholastic interests, but really, these two things have nothing in common, and K. just wanted to brag. A little bragging is fine, but do it on your own wall, not on someone else’s reflective status update.

5. GoalJacking

STFU Parents

Sometimes you just have to call it like you see it. Laurie gets a Gold Star from me for calling out Jessica’s absolutely irritating comment about Aiden’s birthday. Sometimes it’s better to NOT mention that your kid shares a birthday with specific dates and anniversaries, and this would be one of those times. Smooth move, Jessica. You couldn’t even just say “good luck”? That’s really all Bill wants to hear. He’s putting his health over his own self-interests, and perhaps you could do the same for just a moment.

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