Image: Instagram / @chrissyteigen; Atlantic Records
Some truths are universal. Things like where babies come from and how they make their way into the world don't become neat and polished just because the lady doing the pushing is a celebrity. Sure, their births and photo ops may seem more luxurious than our regular every day lives, but don't make the mistake. Their lives are just as puke filled and hectic as ours.
As proof of this we offer you this quote by honest celebrity mommy Blake Lively, "You never know when you're gonna get crapped on or when you're gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics. It might be like living with a drug addict." Cheers to all the celebrimoms like her who've pulled back the curtain and let us see into their beautiful, if sometimes soggy diaper infested lives.
Jennifer Lopez was pretty upfront about her body after delivering her twins. She called the feeling around her middle "jiggly" but said that she liked it. She felt empowered because that loose skin and squishy muscle nurtured her babies, which she refers to as her "coconuts." In 2018, her little ones celebrated their tenth birthdays. You know what? Although J-Lo said she embraced her postpartum body, there wasn't a trace of leftover flab in sight. However, we salute Jennifer for letting us know she didn't come out of the delivery suite toned and ready to hit the beach. That shit's just not real.
Hilary spent most of 2018 pregnant with her daughter. The mom, who's been upfront with the realities of motherhood before this, admitted that she felt like she was in a body that, "wasn't mine." In fact, in a mirror selfie while sporting a bikini (something I would've rather cut off a toe than do while pregnant) Hilary said that her boobs were big. Her belly was big. Hell, her body was big. She went on to say how miraculous the transformations was, yadda yadda, and of course we agree. However, the plain honesty that miraculous doesn't equal comfortable or come with a side of sexy feeling is commendable.
Do your kids bust in on you while you're...needing some private time? Don't stress. So do Tina Fey's two daughters. She said about this unbecoming habit, "Kids are definitely the boss of you. Anyone who will barge into the room while you are on the commode is the boss of you. And when you explain to them that you’re on the commode and that they should leave but they don’t? That’s a high-level boss.” And really, aren't all kids high-level boss? They tell you when to feed them, when to wipe their tiny booties, and yes, when you can use the bathroom privately (never).
Image: Instagram/ @juberry.draws
Like the funny lady mentioned before her, you can trust Ali Wong to say it like it is. One way Ali gets right to the point is how she talks about mommy groups. During her recent tour, Ali admitted she felt no actual interest in the other ladies in the group she joined. However, she spoke about how those isolating first few weeks of motherhood feel like trying to survive in The Walking Dead. You need a crew to get through. Preferably, you need a crew that feels exactly the same way about you. It's better if everyone's on the same page.
This actress, stepmom, and wife to baller Dwayne Wade has been upfront recently about her decade long struggle to conceive. However, in November of 2018 the couple got their wish. Via surrogate, their daughter Kaavia entered the world. The new mom said she was over the moon with joy. Yet, it was a joy she recommended not sharing. Why? On Instagram the mom admitted she was, "stinky," and hadn't, "showered or brushed my teeth or slept." It's okay, Mama. Happiness is like a baby wipe for your soul. The stink won't permeate for people that truly love you.
Image: Instagram/ @themomcation
Chrissy Teigen doesn't just tell us about the realities of motherhood (like when both she and her newborn daughter came home in diapers). She shows us. On Chrissy's Twitter you can see the photo she posted of her tiger-striped leg. That's right, this lady showed us her stretchmarks. She captioned the shot, "Whatevs," and drew a ton of praise for getting so real about body changes in motherhood. Even Whitney Cummings makes an appearance in the comments section, adding an emoji of raised hands. Preach! Now and forever, Chrissy is the queen of social media.
Image: Instagram/ @juliaroberts
America's sweetheart described how, after having kids, she tried Botox to fight signs of aging. In the end, it wasn't for her. Why? She said she spent months looking permanently surprised, like a mask she put on and couldn't take off. She went on, "It was not a cute look for me... My feeling is, I have three children who should know what emotion I'm feeling at the exact moment I'm feeling it… that is critical." Importantly, Julia said she holds no judgement over what other women choose to do with their bodies. We get it. Sometimes you try a thing that you assume will make your happier in your skin. Then in backfires spectacularly. Been there.
Image: Instagram/ @iamcardib
Cardi isn't known for holding anything back. The rapper became a mommy in July of 2018 and has been keeping fans up to date with both her and her baby girl's milestones through her busy social media accounts. Cardi was upfront and honest with fans about her daughter's sleeping struggles. Like every mother who came before, Cardi can be heard in one of her self shot videos pleading with her baby that she was tired and, "You need to go to sleep." If you managed to raise an infant without whisper wishing this exact same thing on your baby, you're a friggin' saint.
Image: Instagram/ @darkrxginax
Kristin Bell and her husband are a hilarious parenting duo. Kristin related that, after her first baby, when the epidural started to wear off she began to itch. She scratched her face up and needed the nurse to dose her with Benadryl (a pretty common side effect and practice). For some reason, the combination of the drugs made her loopy. She said that, despite just entering mommyhood, the weird psychedelic nature of the medication cocktail made her feel everything, "was as mind-blowing as seeing The Matrix for the first time." Labor and delivery was clearly not what she'd expected. That's a pretty easy thing for most mamas to relate to.
Image: Instagram/ @topgentetop
Jennifer Connelly copped to a feeling of constant nausea during her last pregnancy. She found that there was one method that banished it- standing in front of the open refrigerator whilst eating. The actress has three children, although she knows that doesn't make the pregnancy symptoms any easier to deal with. Her exact words about the morning sickness phenomenon (which, seriously, had to be named by a man since we know it doesn't just happen in the mornings) were, "I had to stand in front of my refrigerator, which was open, dipping pretzels in cream cheese and stuffing them in my mouth. If I did that, I was good. Otherwise I was nauseous."
Image: Instagram/ @lolitafromdallas
Liv gave birth to her baby girl, Sailor, six weeks before her due date. Because of this, her partner, David, wasn't in town for Liv's labor and delivery. Liv knew she needed some family support, and called her sister, Mia. Mia in turn called both women's father, Stephen Tyler, lead singer of iconic band Aerosmith. Liv said she never imagined doing something so exposing in front of her sister and father and yet, said Stephen walked into the labor suite right before the baby crowned and stayed to cut the cord. We can almost imagine the rocker walking in in his leathers, calmly watching the delivery, and cutting the cord with the highest amount of chill imaginable.
Image: Instagram/ @jsbates2019
Joan Rivers was famous and famously candid. She talked about her husband's suicide. In addition, she talked about how she embraced plastic surgery. One thing that she thought and immediately said aloud? Babies come out looking weird. Really, how many new mothers have looked at their babies and thought...so who exactly DO you look like? After labor, which can reshape a baby's head into a temporary cone, they still look like little wrinkled old people who are covered in blood and cream cheese. Joan's exact quote went like this, “Since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest — most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed together." For other outrageous things Joan said during her life visit this Mommyish article.
Image: Instagram/ @hollywood_tattle_tale
It's pointless to fight with a toddler. Somehow, though, we all end up doing it. Every damn day. Nicole Richie is no different than us. She made this clear on Twitter, when she said it was 8:30 am and she'd already engaged in five "fights" with her toddler. What was the problem? We don't know but we can guess. The kid didn't want to put on pants, the child turned too many pages in a book on accident and couldn't find the picture he/she was looking for, or, the real trigger, Mom picked out the wrong socks. How could she?!
Image: Instagram/ @charmingcharrie
But it's not cute all the time. Serena got real about this when she posted this story to her Instagram, "The other day on a flight home Olympia had so much energy and insisted on running up and down the aisle. When I finally got her to calm down and sit still, she threw up all over me and in the aisle." We've all been there. The kid has energy that obviously needs to be run out. However, you're not in a place conducive to running, jumping, or generally being a child. Therefore, you paste on your tightest smile and hope that the episode is over quickly. When it finally is, there's some sort of bodily fluid as the grand finale. Here's to hoping she travels with baby wipes, plenty of baby wipes.
Image: Instagram/ @knitting_makes_me_happy
Kids struggle with understanding social boundaries. Hence, the desire to be in the bathroom when Mom's on the potty. Katherine Ryan captured this behavior perfectly when she said, "My daughter’s six. Right now I just have to keep her hair out of her face and her hands out of her pants and I’ve nailed the day." If she's anything like us, she doesn't, "nail the day," that often. I mean, there's a lot of skin covered by pants. 24 hours of keeping hands clear of all that seems unlikely.
Image: Instagram/ @janakramerfr
Jana's been upfront about her life with her husband and daughter, Jolie. The couple has also shared as they've struggled with fertility. Now that Jana has her precious two children, she's sharing just as much about their daily ups and downs. In one social media post, Jana snapped a picture of her daughter, who'd been helping her daddy build a backyard house for the family's dogs. Jolie must've really put in some hard labor, because the little girl resorted to drinking water out of the doggy bowl. Jana reminded her daughter she wasn't a canine. Jolie didn't seem to care.
Image: Instagram/ @dwtsupdate
Usually when we see Kym, we're amazed by her toned legs and sparkly dance-wear. Yet, Kym let her husband take and then posted the picture of herself donning a grey bathrobe stained with breast milk from an obvious leak all the way down to her waist. In the caption she called herself a "rookie" at the motherhood thing. It's okay, Kym! At the end of the day, we're all newbs, and we're all still trying to figure out how to fake it 'til we make it. Kym also was given twins, meaning she had twice the amount of work right away.
Image: Instagram/ @queenpfeiffer
Michelle Pfeiffer, the bombshell who never ages, is mother to two children. Yet, she's pretty upfront about the fact that she has no idea what she's doing. She just tries and stresses that it has to be enough. That's important to remember for the ladies in the motherhood trenches. Some days, all we can do is try, whether or not that leads to success with our kiddos. Michelle said, "Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy."
Image: Instagram/ @mazefy_toy
Jessica Simpson is currently carrying her third child. This newest baby is a little girl and will be Jessica's second daughter. She and her husband have admitted that they were surprised to find out their family was expanding again but also happy as could be. Jessica's has some thoughts on pregnancy, though. She's notably taken a lot of flack in the media for her weight gain (and seriously, who cares? Pregnancy is the very last time we should talk about someone's body shape). Jessica said, "People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it's because you're sweating to death."
Image: Instagram/ @pandzia_blog
Ms. Geary is a prolific fiction writer, one of the few that have written across genres. She didn't make her debut until 2011 but since then has written over a handful of novels and even a few published short stories. In one of them Geary postulates that, "Toddlers are germ-warfare machines in a cute package." She's not wrong. In a Futurity article it was surmised that children are at the top of the list of disease spreaders. Also, people who work in fields that have close contact with children are more likely to be infected with respiratory sicknesses.