breastfeeding

Here Are 10 Freaks Getting Freaky In The Family Bed

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hell-no

Just when I thought I’d heard it all, Teleute mentioned on my parenting pet peeve post a frightening anomaly that had never even occurred to me before. Two things that I thought would and could and should not mix and were also mortal enemies are a “normal” practice for some couples that have provided proof on the Internet.

I’m talking about breastfeeding and sex. Nay, breastfeeding during sex. And don’t forget breastfeeding grown men, orgasms while breastfeeding, and playing with breast milk during sexy time. This is something that I just can’t wrap my mind around, but here’s the first example from Teleute that started it all:

B1

 

To me, it just doesn’t make sense. When I was breastfeeding, I had a lower sex drive than normal, and sex only sounded so-so. I could not even imagine mixing the two, ever. Ever. Ever. But couples these days are getting creative. You’ve been warned:

1.    That darn baby won’t leave the boobs alone, ever.

B2

2.    That husband’s just gotta have it.

B3

 

3.    Dudes like breastfeeding as much as babies.

B11

4.    Breastfeeding a man versus a baby explained. (Yes, you read that right.)

B45.    An orgasm while breastfeeding, why not?

B56.    And more orgasms…

B67.    Breastfeeding orgasms galore.

B7

 

8.    Breastfeeding during sex? “I’m just asking for a friend.”

B89.    Milky boobs are fun for all!

B9

10. And the ultimate lactating multitasker—breastfeeding a husband while pregnant.

B10

(Image: Getty/Julia Pizza Tits Sonenshein)

112 Comments

  1. candyvines

    January 24, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    I bet Giselle does this. #multitasking

    • ted3553

      January 24, 2014 at 1:54 pm

      And she does it with beautifully coiffed hair and nails because she’s GISELLE and we are not

    • candyvines

      January 24, 2014 at 1:58 pm

      Heck, she might even do it while getting beautifully coifed hair. Bet there is some photographic evidence.

  2. CMJ

    January 24, 2014 at 1:04 pm

  3. Aimee Beff

    January 24, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    • Jessica

      January 24, 2014 at 1:15 pm

      Thank you. This sums it up nicely.

    • Bethany Ramos

      January 24, 2014 at 2:43 pm

      I wanted to die when I was writing this. Thank God I just stopped breastfeeding!!

    • Jessica

      January 24, 2014 at 4:17 pm

      If anything was going to give me some extra motivation to shut down my lactation station (I’m rapping!), this was it!

    • Bethany Ramos

      January 24, 2014 at 4:29 pm

      I’m beat boxing! lol

  4. Kay_Sue

    January 24, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    What the fuck?! Obviously my breastfeeding was defective, it never gave me a single orgasm. Fuck that. I want my money back.

    • rrlo

      January 24, 2014 at 2:15 pm

      You can have uterine contractions in the early stages of brestfeeding. I wonder if that’s what they meant…

    • Jallun-Keatres

      January 24, 2014 at 2:24 pm

      The first couple days I nursed I definitely felt my ute moving back into babymaking territory but it never for a minute felt like *that* ! I never even considered someone would accidentally/incidentally find it pleasruable.

    • rrlo

      January 24, 2014 at 3:56 pm

      That’s the only plausible explanation I can come up with… But I do remember feeling some contractions while nursing the first little while.

    • Kay_Sue

      January 24, 2014 at 9:42 pm

      That’s supposed to be one of the benefits in the early days, right? The contractions help everything get back to normal or some such? It’s been a while since I nursed…

      I felt contractions, but it was never pleasurable, for sure.

    • JAN

      January 25, 2014 at 12:03 am

      I’ll admit to feeling something weird when my baby latches on, I always feel like I need to pee. I’m assuming it has to do with uterine contractions. Definitely no orgasms.

    • Kay_Sue

      January 25, 2014 at 2:29 pm

      Your breastfeeding is defective too, I see.

    • Bethany Ramos

      January 24, 2014 at 2:18 pm

      My fave GIF!

  5. Julia Sonenshein

    January 24, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    • CMJ

      January 24, 2014 at 1:27 pm

      Question: Can I start calling you “pizza tits” now?

    • Julia Sonenshein

      January 24, 2014 at 1:28 pm

      I’d be honored, as long as you know the beautiful story of where that came from, which was the very first janky photo collage I made for Eve.

      http://www.thegloss.com/2013/09/13/culture/food/drews-pizza-free-pizza-for-breasts/

    • CMJ

      January 24, 2014 at 1:31 pm

      🙂 I remember that and I was just reminded of it because Maria referenced it in the photo credits.

    • Julia Sonenshein

      January 24, 2014 at 1:33 pm

      i will be your pizza tits forever

    • Tinyfaeri

      January 24, 2014 at 2:15 pm

      You guys make me smile.

    • Jallun-Keatres

      January 24, 2014 at 2:19 pm

      O M G reading the line about flashing balls at employees made me laugh so hard it ripped Mini Keatres off my tit and she gave me this WTF face. LOLOL

  6. Lilly

    January 24, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    I kind of feel for the women who orgasmed during breastfeeding, they seem rather disconcerted by it (which makes sense, but at the same time biology can be weird and sometimes you just got to roll with it).

    The others, just get the multitude of nope gifs that are being posted.

    • AP

      January 24, 2014 at 1:27 pm

      I’ve read that women with sensitive nipples can orgasm just from nipple stimulation.

      And yeah, I can see why you’d head right out to Target for some formula and bottles in that situation. Too creepy!

    • Lark

      January 24, 2014 at 2:13 pm

      Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhh, I totally sympathize. That’s actually something that I’ve considered as a possible future concern when I have kids, so those posts don’t weird me out like the other ones. That would freak me out, too.

    • Alanna Jorgensen

      January 24, 2014 at 4:44 pm

      Breasts are dual purpose so I can totally see how the wires would get crossed. I would definitely have a hard time handling that.

    • Karen Milton

      January 25, 2014 at 4:04 pm

      SOME breasts. Mine are zero-purpose.

  7. Snarktopus

    January 24, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    Wait, what?
    No, really, what?

  8. Hana Graham

    January 24, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    And I was just about to eat dinner. Omfg. Puked in my mouth.

  9. Andrea

    January 24, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    I couldn’t read past #5. That shit is DISGUSTING and DISTURBING and there’s nothing you can say to convince me that this isn’t fucked the hell up.

  10. rrlo

    January 24, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    We have delved into very weird territory. I wish I could unread that…

  11. Tinyfaeri

    January 24, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    You know, in general, as long as something happens between two consenting adults, I’m cool with it. It’s not my bag, but hey, who am I to judge?

    But sex of any kind while nursing a baby? What the actual fuck is up with that?

    • allisonjayne

      January 24, 2014 at 3:47 pm

      I agree. I don’t really have a problem with folks breastfeeding ‘their men’ if they’re both into it (I mean, #3 kinda makes me sad because it sounds like it wasn’t really her decision not to breastfeed her kids) – definitely not for me, but whatever floats your boat. But yeah, a baby? Not a consenting adult. WRONG.

  12. G.E. Phillips

    January 24, 2014 at 2:19 pm

    NOPE

  13. Jallun-Keatres

    January 24, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    My nips are sensitive too. As in, thinking about breastfeeding {before she was born} made me want to cry, since just accidentally brushing them with my hand hurt. When I had her, BFing hurt worse than I could have ever imagined but we survived and now it no longer hurts. No BFgasm here.

  14. Natasha B

    January 24, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    Why was this shit even posted….can’t finish my f-ing lunch now.

  15. Lee

    January 24, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    Bleguhhhuh! That was me throwing up in my mouth a little after reading #4.

  16. Moliss

    January 24, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    Oh. My. God. I am pregnant for the first time right now and can I just say this is fucking disgusting. Why is the actual fuck would you be breastfeeding your HUSBAND?! WOW. I could not even imagine. What is wrong with people, seriously.

    • Eve Vawter

      January 24, 2014 at 2:53 pm

      #HOWDAREYOU

  17. Katherine Handcock

    January 24, 2014 at 2:49 pm

    Most of this post is a big ol’ NOPE, but in defense of the women in it asking about orgasmic feelings during breastfeeding, apparently that’s not hugely uncommon. Never happened to me, but the breastfeeding information session I attended actually mentioned it briefly to let women know a) that it does happen and b) that it also usually goes away as you get desensitized to the stimulation. I think that would be a really disconcerting experience…

  18. Alex Lee

    January 24, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    #CanteloupeJuice

  19. Samantha Escobar

    January 24, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    I am once again reminded that there is SO MUCH I do not understand about parenting.

  20. Mrsspring

    January 24, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    I told my husband about this comment thread yesterday and lo, upon opening my ipad this morning here is the best article ever to officially blow my husbands mind. Both kids have stared at us with confusion as we read the article and reacted like Tweens watching a horror movie for the first time with the lights off.

    • Bethany Ramos

      January 24, 2014 at 5:50 pm

      This made it all worthwhile!!

  21. meteor_echo

    January 24, 2014 at 4:49 pm

    My feelings on this phenomenon can be summed by this gif here:

    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eSbNm4SWjaA/UfUcKWeEboI/AAAAAAAAN-s/bIccysadYXM/s1600/nope-badger.gif

  22. Momma425

    January 24, 2014 at 4:50 pm

    I didn’t breastfeed my child for a multitude of reasons, but mainly because the thought of it made me uncomfortable. My breasts have always been a “sex only” thing, and the idea of it felt incestual and not okay. Everyone told me I was being ridiculous.

    Apparently, I wasn’t so far off.

    • Pappy

      January 26, 2014 at 10:18 pm

      * incestuous. That is all. 🙂

  23. LiteBrite

    January 24, 2014 at 5:38 pm

    And once again……DA FUQUE did I just read?

    • Buffy

      January 25, 2014 at 9:28 pm

      …and will I ever, ever, ever be able to forget it?
      Ewwwwwwww!

  24. Terry Teague SF

    January 24, 2014 at 5:55 pm

    I am adding this to the dirty diaper eating whacko and shit smell loving nutjobs file

  25. Jordana

    January 24, 2014 at 6:05 pm

    WOW…I am speechless. The way that people rationalize some of this stuff is super freakish…and I’m pretty liberal. Bethany, you have a gift for seeking the freaks out…and letting us all laugh at them lol

    • Bethany Ramos

      January 24, 2014 at 6:23 pm

      My special gift…and curse. Haha!

    • Eve Vawter

      January 24, 2014 at 7:00 pm

      She really is. She is now my go to person for this type of thing. I find weirdos so hilarious

  26. MellyG

    January 24, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    I get the orgasm thing, in theory, from a purely physical point of view. I have SUPER sensitive breasts, and i’ve never breastfed or had kids, but i get how someone with super sensitive breasts MIGHT accidentally orgasm from that much stimulation.

    But the rest? Just………no. Breastfeeding AND having sex? Just how? WHY? I can’t imagine the logistics, i can’t imagine being able to get turned on with the baby right there, attached to you………….but then again, i get kind of freaked out if I think the cat is watching so…………..

    And breastfeeding your man? can’t be pour himself a glass? Or just feed himself in general? Nope. just nope.

  27. cabecb

    January 24, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    Why was I eating when I was reading this?

  28. Aussiemum

    January 24, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    I didn’t want to breast feed the baby, let alone my husband! He wants milk, he knows where the fridge is!

  29. jendra_berri

    January 24, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    Oh my god, imagine breastfeeding in public and having an orgasm. It’s not like it’s super easy to keep a straight face. Baby’s there on the boob and you’re having gasps? I’d quit too.
    The breastfeeding of the husbands? For years? The guy who wants to perform cunnilingus while she was nursing? WTF? Ugh, involuntary shudder.

    • Bethany Ramos

      January 24, 2014 at 7:47 pm

      That makes me think of a Grey’s episode I saw with an involuntary orgasm lady. Creepy to the max!

  30. mommabeer

    January 24, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    I feel really bad for the woman whose husband demands sex from her when she doesn’t want it. Not cool.

  31. Joye77

    January 24, 2014 at 10:04 pm

    OMG, women who breastfeed their husbands? OH eww. I hope that doesn’t make me prudish. I would never let my husband do that. ick.

  32. Muggle

    January 25, 2014 at 12:11 am

  33. Myra A Cottrill

    January 25, 2014 at 12:34 am

    I’m all for multitasking, but this takes it an entire mile of steps too far.

  34. Melissa T

    January 25, 2014 at 1:46 am

    Ewwwww….I would feel so violated.

  35. Melissa

    January 25, 2014 at 10:15 am

    Orgasm during BF-ing I’ve heard of, but never personally experienced. Now I feel like I’m missing out! But the rest of that freakyness? To me it sounds mostly like a-hole husbands who are jealous of all the attention new baby is getting and want to (literally) get in on that action.

    • Bethany Ramos

      January 25, 2014 at 10:59 am

      Nail on the head with the jealous husbands. The whole scenario is awkward-city!

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  37. Teleute

    January 25, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    LOL Thanks for the shout out. 🙂

    It never ceases to amaze me what bizarre lengths some moms will go to set themselves apart from the herd, nor how blind and stupid they can be to the damage they’re likely to cause their children. No, I don’t think an infant will be traumatized by being a participant in what is essentially a threesome with his parents, but I can guarantee that his parents’ poor judgment and questionable ethics are going to persist past infancy.

    • Melissa

      January 25, 2014 at 7:28 pm

      Had to google “dry-nursing”…wow. That seems even freakier than a nursing threesome, because that kid would totally grow up knowing exactly what mom’s boobs taste like.

    • Bethany Ramos

      January 25, 2014 at 8:24 pm

      NOOOOOO

    • Teleute

      January 26, 2014 at 11:37 am

      I think it’s worse when they’re adopted.

    • Melissa

      January 26, 2014 at 12:42 pm

      That way crosses a line! Adopted or not, having a 4 year-old suck on any of your body parts for comfort is super creepy. Sure, the kids may have “expressed interest” , but just because my 16 month-old expresses interest in and seems to enjoy smacking me in the face and poking the dog’s eyes doesn’t mean I allow it.

    • Pappy

      January 26, 2014 at 10:32 pm

      Yeah, to me that post comes dangerously close to sounding like the pedophiles who say “but children like sex! It’s OK because they enjoyed it/ they came on to me!” I have all kinds of alarm bells going off in my head after reading that.

    • Teleute

      January 27, 2014 at 9:36 am

      How about a child “emotionally… about 3. Intellectually… about six” who expresses interest? Perhaps the worse part is that this woman doesn’t even give the child’s ACTUAL age.

      The girl in the profile pic (which I’ve blacked out for obvious reasons) looks to be about 8 or 9 years old, and before you conclude that it must be a recent photo, know that Mom hasn’t logged into her account since a month after this post was made.

    • Bethany Ramos

      January 25, 2014 at 8:24 pm

      You made this post, so thank you!! Also, yes, so much agreement on that – yikes.

  38. jack_sprat2

    January 25, 2014 at 11:49 pm

    You gals are going to have to sort this one out on your own. No way, no how, am I going to advocate women making themselves available for teething practice. We’re already in Dutch for stretching her OTHER bodily parts out of shape, thank you very much.

  39. Kat

    January 26, 2014 at 6:47 am

    I cannot unread this…

  40. Keeping it 100

    January 26, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    Someone call CPS…I breast feed my daughter for 5 months and never and I mean never had sex with her father while I was doing it…that’s creepy and perverted to me

    • Teleute

      January 27, 2014 at 9:56 am

      But… it would be a nice memory, no?

    • Keeping it 100

      January 27, 2014 at 2:19 pm

      Yea you sick

    • ElleJai

      January 28, 2014 at 7:28 am

      LOL! If they’re old enough to remember, they’re old enough to be out of the room.

      .. Having said that, if anyone has read the book “Mao’s Last Dancer” (now also a movie) they had a family bed with Mum, Dad and all the kids. And he always wondered how Mum’s hair pins kept ending up over on Dad’s side of the bed. If you can get away with it with like 5 kids in the bed and none of them know the difference, as happens daily around the globe, then I’m pretty sure the only thing traumatising the kids is the crap attitude we bring towards a beautiful, natural act between loving adults.

  41. Rollergirl09

    January 26, 2014 at 5:20 pm

    Ugh. I can’t even with this. When my son was about 5 weeks old we had a day where he cluster fed ALL DAY LONG. Around midnight that night I had a mild nursing orgasm and nearly threw him across the room. I almost quit nursing that night I was so grossed out by it. I’d heard it was possible but as someone who experienced sexual trauma as a child it was too much for me. It took me weeks to be comfortable nursing again and it definitely made my sex drive nil for months.

  42. ElleJai

    January 26, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    I wouldn’t start being intimate while feeding the baby, but I can see how you might choose to continue/feed at the same time. Those little critters have a damn radar for the second their parents start anything.

    And I can see trying breast milk (I had to try mine, I was ridiculously curious. Turns out I hate it, but the baby liked it so it’s fine). I can see your OH trying BM. Can’t see breastfeeding OH as a lifestyle choice, but it takes all sorts.

    I was always trained to believe that what people do behind closed doors is none of my business. I wouldn’t do it, but if someone else is comfortable with it that’s cool.

    No comment on the BF orgasms other than that it sounds incredibly disconcerting.

    • Pappy

      January 26, 2014 at 10:45 pm

      My mom used her milk in her coffee one day when she ran out of the regular stuff. She said it was really good (very sweet, so it went great with the coffee).

      Ever since then I’ve secretly wanted to try the same but I can’t think of any way to ask a breastfeeding mom for some leftover expressed milk without having her think I’m a total deviant. I’m not, I swear (at least I don’t think I am). I’m just really curious about what it would taste like.

    • ElleJai

      January 28, 2014 at 7:25 am

      It’s sickly sweet on it’s own, so it may well work in coffee! I didn’t try that lol.

      I figure if a baby can drink it, then it’s a bodily fluid I’m allowed to try too.

      And to the down voter: If you must down vote my post, then care enough to leave a comment and start a discussion. Sheesh.

    • Eve Vawter

      January 28, 2014 at 12:44 pm

      This is JUST LIKE ME trying to make moms give me their placenta to eat

  43. Spiderpigmom

    January 28, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    Getting aroused while breastfeeding is actually fairly common, albeit unwelcome and disconcerting to say the least. These women are not freaks, and there is no need to revile them. This is just. not. cool. Bethany just reached a new low.

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3431754/

    http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/arousal-while-breastfeeding

    http://breastfeeding.about.com/od/commonquestions/qt/BreastfeedingArousal.htm

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