If You Want To Give Your 1-Year-Old The Saddest Birthday Ever, Make Him A Breastmilk Cake

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My child is turning one in a week and with that will come the right of passage of launching face first into a birthday cake. We’ve been torturing the girl with other people’s birthdays and cake she couldn’t consume all year long. I can’t wait until she finally gets some satisfaction. Anyone who – barring serious dietary restrictions of course – chooses to make their child, for their first birthday, some sad cake composed of smashed bananas and breast milk basically sucks.


Damn it, give me that cake. Now. (photo: Maria Guido)

I understand not wanting to poison your child with sugar. After my son’s first birthday cake experience, we took a video of him screaming YEAHHHHHH for about 15 minutes straight. He was definitely on a sugar high. Maybe not stellar parenting, but who cares? He was so happy. Baby’s first sugar rush. I’m all for it.

A post I stumbled upon on a parenting message board made me think about this whole thing:

We try to be pretty healthy and I am proud to say we are almost at a year of breastfeeding, cloth diapers, baby wearing and co-sleeping/bed sharing!

I am having a hard time finding a topping to LO 1st birthday cake….I plan on doing a applesauce cake but want something other than frosting.  Was thinking of smashed bananas?  Fresh fruit?  I have a tons of frozen breast milk and not opposed to making a frosting with some if able!  Looking for suggestions!    The rest of the family/friends will get “regular” cupcakes.

Wait, everyone else gets the good stuff, but the guest of honor has to eat smashed banana cake with breast milk frosting? What kind of crap is that? You made it through a year of breastfeeding, cloth diapering, baby-wearing and co-sleeping! Yay for you – you deserve a cookie. A real one, made with eggs and flour and stuff. So does your baby.

Please don’t get angry with me if your kid has dietary restrictions – this post is not about you. It’s about those parents so hell-bent on celebrating how “perfect” they are at parenting that they go out of their way to deprive their kids of some harmless fun so they can add another medal to their colossal natural-parenting-achievement wall.

Since your baby is too young to say it – I’ll do it for him. You suck.

(photo: hbtoasted.wordpress)


  1. Eve Vawter

    May 22, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    sugar is not poison 🙁 and breast milk cake may be the barfiest. IDC how old you are

  2. Kendra

    May 22, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    I would pick up that cake, and throw it right in the mom’s face. You like that banana breastmilk cake, ma, do ya???? OF COURSE YOU DON’T. #cakedisappointment

  3. Kendra

    May 22, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    P.S. I love your baby’s look of sheer determination. She is willing the cake to come to her. Perfection.

    • Maria Guido

      May 22, 2014 at 1:23 pm

      The next birthday cake she saw got a full-on infant handprint in it. She is going to FREAK next week when we actually let her dive in.

    • LiteBrite

      May 22, 2014 at 2:07 pm

      “You will be mine cake. Oh yes, you will be mine.”

  4. K.

    May 22, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    If I show up to your baby’s 1-year-old birthday, *I* deserve the cake, dammit. That’s part of the incentive of coming.

    …Oh, you thought I was there to admire your kid? Aw, how precious of you. ((pat, pat))

    Now gimme cake.

    • Drstephaniedvm

      May 22, 2014 at 11:10 pm

      I served beer as an incentive to show up (birthdays 1&2) 🙂 I think it was appreciated. Friends even brought us a 6pack of really good beer as a present for the first. Best. Present. Ever!

  5. Valerie

    May 22, 2014 at 12:53 pm

    Breast milk frosting?

    • Zuri

      May 22, 2014 at 4:10 pm


    • CMJ

      May 22, 2014 at 1:16 pm

      Seriously though – GIVE THAT BABY SOME CAKE, LADY.

      Here’s my niece desperately reaching for cake too –

    • JenH1986

      May 22, 2014 at 1:17 pm

      So close..yet so far. And OMG with the cute factor with her!

    • Bethany Ramos

      May 22, 2014 at 2:01 pm

      I fucking love her so much. I am just watching this on loop forever. I love when she was the ugly before model on SNL too.

  6. Rachel Sea

    May 22, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    If parents want to delay giving their kids sweets so that the kid doesn’t know what they are missing, and they don’t have to deal with a cracked out toddler, then I am totally on board, but fuck giving your kid some sad facsimile of the real thing. #carobisnotchocolate

    • SA

      May 22, 2014 at 1:16 pm

      HA! My husband spent the first part of his childhood being raised vegan. Anytime someone says the word carob he screams “Carob is not chocolate!”

    • Kelly

      May 22, 2014 at 1:49 pm

      My MIL used to buy these carob candies because “chocolate is bad” and I was impressed by how good they were.

      Until I read the packaging and discovered they had more sugar in them than any candy bar I had ever seen in my life. Oh yeah, that so much healthier… Right…

    • Rachel Sea

      May 22, 2014 at 3:04 pm

      It’s the battle cry of many a hippie-raised child. Our banner is a Hershey bar crossed with a Ho-ho.

  7. Spongeworthy

    May 22, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    It IS possible to strike a balance between feeding your kid only kale and apples and letting them brush their teeth with kool aid. I’m all for feeding your kid healthy foods, but a cupcake on their birthday will not put them in a downward spiral of sugar death. The kid will taste sugar at some point. Better to teach moderation early on.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 22, 2014 at 1:16 pm

      I totally agree. I’m very strict about food on a day-to-day basis but omg, the thought of feeding my kid a breastmilk and applesauce birthday cake is really bumming me out.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 22, 2014 at 1:38 pm

      Right? I’m sure it would get some extra flavoring from the child’s bitter tears of disappointment, but still.

    • Maria Guido

      May 22, 2014 at 1:21 pm


    • Spongeworthy

      May 22, 2014 at 1:39 pm

      Also, your kids are too stinking cute!

    • Linzon

      May 22, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    • Spongeworthy

      May 22, 2014 at 5:56 pm

      Honestly, I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, so desserts are few and far between for me (except dark chocolate). So if I’m going to have a piece of cake, I’m having the real thing. But if I was a more frequent sweet eater I’d be looking for substitutions.

    • Allen

      May 22, 2014 at 6:28 pm

      That looks kind of good, actually. (And it seems to have a lot of sugar in it, so it probably tastes more cake-like than vegetable-like). I don’t know about kale cake (I don’t know if I’ve had kale), but I love carrot cake, so I’m open to vegetables being included in sweets.

    • noelle 02

      May 22, 2014 at 5:34 pm

      Kid one got bread dough molded into teddy bear and iced with mashed potatoes and decorated with peas, corn, and green beans. Kid two got angel food cake iced with whipped cream. Kid three got chocolate iced cupcake. Live and learn.

    • Jayamama

      May 23, 2014 at 11:17 am

      I totally agree. I made a point of avoiding certain things, like cookies and cake, the first year, much to my mom’s chagrin. But when that first birthday rolled around, I made cupcakes. Real cupcakes. Chocolate with chocolate chips. I was celebrating keeping her alive for whole year, and this day would only come once. I wanted her to enjoy it.

      I should have rethought the red icing, though. Live and learn.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 23, 2014 at 11:19 am

      Haha! My kid had a cupcake with green frosting at his cousin’s first birthday. It looked like pooped out the Incredible Hulk 🙂

    • Jayamama

      May 23, 2014 at 11:25 am

      Lol, that sure paints a picture. I spent close to ten minutes trying to wash the red off her hands and face until I just gave up. She had a pinkish hue around her mouth and on her hands for the next three days. Looked like she had some horrid disease. But man, she loved that cupcake. We had a ladybug theme, or I would’ve never done bright red.

    • Guest

      May 23, 2014 at 11:28 am

      Lol, that sure paints a picture. I spent close to ten minutes trying to wash the red off her hands and face until I just gave up. She had a pinkish hue around her mouth and on her hands for the next three days. Looked like she had some horrid disease. But man, she loved that cupcake. We had a ladybug theme, or I would’ve never done bright red!

    • Jayamama

      May 23, 2014 at 11:30 am

      I have no idea why it posted this as guest or posted twice. How strange.

    • Guest

      May 23, 2014 at 11:29 am

      Lol, that sure paints a picture. I spent close to ten minutes trying to wash the red off her hands and face until I just gave up. She had a pinkish hue around her mouth and on her hands for the next three days. Looked like she had some horrid disease. But man, she loved that cupcake. We had a ladybug theme, or I would’ve definitely never done bright red!

  8. Kay_Sue

    May 22, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    A) Your daughter’s face in that pic is priceless. She’s focusing so hard. I can just see her trying to work the Force and I’m wondering if you’d be okay with arranging a marriage to an older kid (he’s three right now) if her Jedi powers do happen to come into fruition. #JustAThought

    B) I find it kind of sad that you guys have to add a disclaimer to articles like these that people with allergies and such shouldn’t take offense. I get why (I’ve seen some of the FB posts and comments…) but it’s just sad that people can’t take it in the spirit in which it is offered without getting offended…But alas, I have very little faith in humans as a species anymore anyway.

    C) I completely agree. Give the kid a cookie. A REAL COOKIE.

    • pixie

      May 22, 2014 at 1:26 pm

      I’ve got allergies and wouldn’t have taken offense if there hadn’t been a disclaimer.

      But then again, I’m generally not an asshole. 😉

    • Kay_Sue

      May 22, 2014 at 8:41 pm

      That’s because you are awesome.

    • pixie

      May 22, 2014 at 11:16 pm

      Naturally. 😉

    • LiteBrite

      May 22, 2014 at 2:05 pm

      Cookies are child abuse Kay! How dare you suggest something so heinous!

      And now I want a cookie for myself.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 22, 2014 at 8:41 pm

      Damn. I keep giving you guys munchies….

    • LiteBrite

      May 23, 2014 at 10:53 am

      You’re kind of like the marijuana of Mommyish.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 23, 2014 at 10:57 am

      I know. I have no idea how I have developed that ability.

    • Maria Guido

      May 22, 2014 at 1:21 pm

      Cruelty cupcake – ahahahahah.

    • SA

      May 22, 2014 at 2:16 pm

      “Cruelty Cupcake” sounds like something this woman is trying to make.

  9. JenH1986

    May 22, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    I have nothing to add that hasn’t already been said. But I will reiterate: Your daughter is gorg. Son too. Damn if you don’t make some pretty babies.

  10. pixie

    May 22, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    That expression. Hahaha, So cute and so serious about the cake!

  11. Beth

    May 22, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    Sigh. It’s ONCE A YEAR – and even if you have six kids, that’s only once every two months that your darling temple-of-the-Holy-Spirit will indulge in birthday treats. SO GIVE HIM SOME DAMN CAKE. I just can’t believe anyone would be such a wet blanket. Smashed bananas and breast milk? I’m pretty sure that would look like vomit even before it is consumed. Blah.

    • Rachel Sea

      May 22, 2014 at 1:54 pm

      I don’t know about breastmilk, but when I was a care provider I discovered that a splash of milk made pureed bananas (most of the people I cared for could only eat pureed) a much nicer color and texture. I actually make it for myself occasionally when I want something pudding-like, but can’t be bothered to make the real thing.

    • Beth

      May 22, 2014 at 3:36 pm

      You are absolutely right – smashed bananas with a little milk is a delicious snack. I’ve eaten it myself, and fed it to my children. But not for a birthday …. For a birthday, we all scream for sugar! 🙂

    • Rachel Sea

      May 22, 2014 at 4:04 pm

      I don’t even know how you’d get it to stick to the cake. Smashed bananas just don’t have that kind of texture (except when dried on your wall, then they’re like glue).

  12. Kelly

    May 22, 2014 at 1:45 pm

    I think the whole purpose of her question was just to brag about how much breast milk she has. I’m so done with people like that.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 22, 2014 at 2:02 pm

      You know, I think you’re onto something there. There’s definitely those who want everyone to know just how earth mother goddess they are in regards to BF. I mean, I had bags of that shit on my freezer but it was the last thing I wanted to talk about. It’s nothing to brag about.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 22, 2014 at 2:02 pm

      In. In my freezer

    • Jennifer Freeman

      May 22, 2014 at 3:48 pm

      Me del a just posted an article about milk banks and OMG the volume bragging! Some lady claims to have donated thousands of ounces. Whatever.

    • Scarlet

      May 22, 2014 at 4:35 pm

      Yeah I think the whole thing was kind of #humblebragy. “Well you know we’re healthy, we cloth diaper and babywear and co-sleep and you know I could feed the whole world with my extra breastmilk.” What the hell does babywearing or co-sleeping have to do with being healthy?

  13. Williwaw

    May 22, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    I am definitely in favour of sugar in that first birthday cake! It won’t harm the kid for life. In fact, I want some cake too. I have also read, in spite of common beliefs and a zillion anecdotes that say otherwise, that there is a great deal of evidence that sugar does not actually affect children’s behaviour… at least 12 studies were done on the subject (I listed 4 of them that I tracked down, below). My favorite was the study where kids were given sugar free drinks, but half the parents were told their kid got a sugary drink…and a statistically significant part of that group of parents rated their children’s post-drink behaviour as more hyper than normal. I found this fascinating. I don’t know, maybe kids seem to get wild when they have sugar because that happens on special occasions (like Easter, parties, grandparent visits)? Anyway, I’d like to see more on this subject; it’s kind of interesting.

    Hoover DW, Milich R. Effects of sugar ingestion expectancies on
    mother-child interactions. J Abnorm Child Psychol 1994;22:501-15.

    Kinsbourne M. Sugar and the hyperactive child. N Engl J Med 1994;330:355-6.

    Krummel DA, Seligson FH, Guthrie HA. Hyperactivity: is candy causal? Crit Rev Food Sci Nutr 1996;36:31-47.

    Wolraich ML, Lindgren SD, Stumbo PJ, Stegink LD, Appelbaum MI,
    Kiritsy MC. Effects of diets high in sucrose or aspartame on the
    behavior and cognitive performance of children. N Engl J Med

    • pixie

      May 22, 2014 at 1:59 pm

      We talked about this when I did intro to psych in my undergrad as a part of the correlation does not equal causation talk. Everyone still insists sugar makes kids hyper, though.

    • Williwaw

      May 22, 2014 at 6:30 pm

      Haha, I’m glad at least one other person has heard of that research; I was a little worried that a sledgehammer of angry moms would fall on me when I made my sugar remark. (My kid is hyper all the time, sugar or not, but I think that’s mostly about being two years old.)

    • SA

      May 22, 2014 at 2:15 pm

      That is true. It is usually on an already “hyper” occasion. Also a lot of sugar laden foods have dyes in them which are probably causing the hyperactivity in the ones that are truly bouncing off the walls.

      There is so much added sugar in foods anyway, its not like you hear “My kid just ate some flavored yogurt and is bouncing off the walls”. Even though some of them have more sugar that a cupcake would.

    • Obladi Oblada

      May 22, 2014 at 8:21 pm

      I see this at school all the time. It has very little to do with the sugar intake. It has to do with needing to blow off steam and never being allowed to. In my lunchroom, they can get rowdy but they don’t have another outlet during the day.

  14. val97

    May 22, 2014 at 2:02 pm

    I’d love this woman to see my son’s most recent birthday: pizza, unlimited root beer, doritos, m&ms, and cupcakes, followed by 12 kids shooting each other with lasers. #naturalmomlife

  15. LiteBrite

    May 22, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    God Maria, your kids are the most freaking adorable ever.

  16. SA

    May 22, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    That pic is priceless!! Serious baby wants cake NOW.

  17. Tinyfaeri

    May 22, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    Aside from a tiny bit of frosting her grandfather slipped her, we didn’t give the little one any sugary desserts until her first birthday. Then we stripped her clothes off, sat her in her high chair and let her go to town on a normal-sized piece of yellow cake with my family’s recipe for chocolate frosting. She was c-o-v-e-r-e-d, and it was glorious.

  18. jessie

    May 22, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    I will admit that i made a banana cake for my daughter’s first birthday. I did, however, frost it with real butter cream icing. I didn’t want to overload her with sugar, but it was her birthday so she didn’t get the boring apple sauce icing that was suggested to me.

  19. ILoveJellybeans

    May 22, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    If you make sugar and junk food seem like this forbidden thing, they will just want it more. Then when they are old enough for you to not be watching, they will sneak it, and when they are adults and too old to be under the control of their parents, they will eat as much of it as they can stuff their faces with cause theres nothing you can do about it

    • C.J.

      May 22, 2014 at 6:10 pm

      This is my opinion too, better to teach kids to eat in moderation.

  20. Zuri

    May 22, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    What let em eat cake!!! im all for being health conscious with my child but a bit of sugar will not kill them .

  21. whiteroses

    May 22, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    My son got a cake for his first birthday and looked at me like I’d lost my mind.
    Then he tasted it, and it was ALL over.
    Since then, he’s had the occasional cookie, but we don’t make a habit of it. I figure if I don’t make it a big deal, neither will he.

    • Jallun-Keatres

      May 22, 2014 at 5:01 pm

      There’s footage of my sister’s 2nd birthday party in 1990 and she was given the cake, stuck a teeny section of her palm on the frosting, looked at it, looked at everybody, and then wiped it off on her overalls. XD

  22. Jallun-Keatres

    May 22, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    I just went to my first 1st birthday party for my friend’s daughter. They didn’t even have a cake lol

    They live on a farm and we had the most amazing greens from her garden ever! O M G!

  23. Amanda

    May 22, 2014 at 5:16 pm

    I breastfeed like whoa and I extended rear face and I cloth diaper but my kids eat ALL THE SUGAR.

    • Bethany Ramos

      May 22, 2014 at 7:59 pm

      So cute!!

    • brebay

      May 22, 2014 at 9:44 pm

      magazine baby’s back! 😉 too cute!

    • Amanda

      May 22, 2014 at 10:09 pm

      I know. I’m such an attention whore with my constant pictures. I can’t help it! I’m a photographer! It’s how I connect with people!

    • brebay

      May 22, 2014 at 10:51 pm

      You totally should. My kids are cute now, but they were kind of monkey-babies (don’t tell). I would have been wearing pics of these cuties on a T-shirt!

    • Maria Guido

      May 22, 2014 at 10:13 pm

      Those are so awesome.

  24. G.S.

    May 22, 2014 at 6:42 pm

    Okay, I can KIND OF understand substituting regular milk with breastmilk in a cake for your baby (not anyone else) if he’s being breastfed anyway, but MASHED BANANAS IS NOT A CAKE, IT’S THE SECOND VERSE OF A WIGGLES SONG! YOU DISAPPOINT ME, CRUNCHY HUMAN!

  25. tSubh Dearg

    May 22, 2014 at 6:42 pm

    Your daughter’s face in that picture made me think of this post:

    • Allyson_et_al

      May 23, 2014 at 2:07 am

      The God of Cake!

  26. annaarron

    May 22, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    I love your baby’s look of sheer determination. She is willing the cake to come to her. Perfection must see this

  27. jendra_berri

    May 22, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    Definitely did regular cake for my son’s first birthday. It was his first burst of sugar, he got a sensible piece, he destroyed most of it, put some of it on his mouth and worse the rest. Priceless memories!
    Tofu gluten-free sugar-free cakes make me sad.

  28. brebay

    May 22, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    Children are obese nowadays because they have birthdays, which is a new thing.

  29. Paul Steve

    May 22, 2014 at 10:48 pm

    In case you produce mister and also junk food appear to be this kind of unacceptable point, they’ll only are interested much more. Proper they’re outdated plenty of that you not necessarily always be watching, they’ll sneak this, so when they’re older people and also way too outdated to get within the control of these mothers and fathers, they’ll take in as much of the usb ports as they may things the looks using cause there nothing you can apply about it.

  30. Ashley Austrew

    May 22, 2014 at 11:22 pm

    Maybe my kid is just weird, but when I gave her cake for her first birthday, she didn’t give a shit, even after she tasted it. She’s 2.5 now and loves sugary treats, but then? Meh. I think freaking out over the first birthday cake is kind of dumb.

  31. coffeeandshoes

    May 23, 2014 at 12:04 am

    For my first birthday, my mom made me a cake – family recipe chocolate cake with buttercream. Well, bratface me decided that Oreos were INFINITELY BETTER than Mom’s homemade cake. Thankfully, I did eventually learn that Oreos, while delicious, are not as good as cake.

  32. Elizabeth Licata

    May 23, 2014 at 10:42 am

    I swear I remember reading an article by a lady who was on a strict no-sugar-till-4 plan, with the 4th birthday cake being the first sugar the kid would ever be allowed to have. I think the kid specifically asked for a cake for its 3rd birthday and the mom handed over a wheel of truffled gouda and said it was a “cheesecake.” So much toddler side-eye.

  33. Alison

    May 23, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    At that age, the cake is really for the adults. Give the child a small cake of your choice and enjoy!

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  35. Lacey

    June 22, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    How do you know it even tastes bad? Breast fed babies LOVE their mother’s milk so why would it make a difference if you are replacing cows milk (which is made for COWS) with breast milk (which is made for that specific Baby)?? I think some of you are overacting over it being “gross”… Breastmilk is the most natural thing you can give your baby… And fruit is a natural sugar… So you aren’t being a mean Mom by not giving them a “normal” birthday cake haha

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