Moms Who Are Mad About Breaking Bad Action Figures Need To Just Chill Out And Not Buy Them, Yo

You may have heard that Toys R’ Us has started selling Breaking Bad action figures in their stores. There’s a Jesse Pinkman and a Walter White, there’s a Heisenberg with a gun, there are orange jumpsuits, and there is some adorable teeny tiny meth-making equipment. I think it’s fantastic, but one Florida (damn it, Florida!) mom disagrees with me and has started a petition on Change.org to have them removed from store shelves.

That right. Susan Schrivjer is not amused, Toys R’ Us. She — and the over 3,000 people who have signed her petition to date — think this is setting a bad example for kids in a store that is meant for children. As she put it in in her petition:

“Toys R Us is well known around the world for their vast selection of toys for children of all ages…However their decision to sell a Breaking Bad doll, complete with a detachable sack of cash and a bag of meth, alongside children’s toys is a dangerous deviation from their family friendly values.”

She later added in an interview with CNN, “Kids mimic their action figures, if you will…Do you want your child in an orange jumpsuit?”

Let me tell you why this makes me laugh until I can laugh no more. First of all, the phrase “a detachable sack of cash and a bag of meth” is hilarious. I don’t know why, but it is. Second, if I bought my kids Breaking Bad action figures and the next day they were in orange jumpsuits, I would declare them geniuses and that shit would be all over Facebook. Do people really think that kids are going to get these dolls and start playing “meth lab?” And if your kids know how to make meth, you have a whole different set of problems.

But let’s look seriously at my second point, because that is where the key to all of this is. I said, “If I bought my kid Breaking Bad action figures….” If I did. But I wouldn’t, because I am not a jackass. Unless your seven-year-old is strolling into Toys R’ Us with her allowance and no supervision, or unless you decide to purchase it for them because you are said jackass, then I don’t see what the problem is here. Just because something exists that you don’t agree with doesn’t mean that it needs to be destroyed. There’s a whole lot of disgusting, soul-numbing pornography out there, and there are ways that children can get to it. But I’m not telling people to stop screwing clowns for cash. Because I will do what I can not to let it in my house. I am the grown-up, here. I have that kind of power. And some people get turned on by clowns and that is none of my business.

For their part, Toys R’ Us has already removed the toys from their website. They also issued a statement that said:

“The products you reference are carried in very limited quantities and the product packaging clearly notes that the items are intended for ages 15 and up. Items from this TV series are located in the adult action figure area of our stores.”

There’s an adult action figure section at Toys R’ Us? I was not aware of that. Sounds like a place in desperate need of wedgies. But more importantly, what Toys R’ Us is saying is that they aren’t stocking these toys next to Barbie. They aren’t being sold as part of their mainstream toy section; they are in a separate wedgie-needing section. So again I ask, what are we freaking out about, here? And the toy is marked for ages 15 and up, so if you were tempted to buy it for your teething 18-month-old, that will act as a warning for you.

There are a lot of toys that I hate: most of the toys that are marketed to girls, for example. There are lots of dolls that I find inappropriate (hello there, Monsters High). But do I demand that stores stop selling them? No. Because I can choose not to buy them. I am the adult.

That’s right: I am the one who knocks.

(Photo: Twitter)