Daddy Blogger Tries To Defend Elf On The Shelf, Only Succeeds In Annoying Me

I think we are all sick and tired of talking about the Elf on the Shelf so I apologize for bringing this conversation back to life but I couldn’t help it. There is a blogger on Huffington Post who defends Elf on the Shelf and I simply must respond. I don’t like it when other parents assume I make my decisions for one reason when it’s actually not the case. I dislike it even more when they condescend and pat themselves on the back for their incredible (and wrong) revelations. So, let’s talk this apart bit by bit, shall we? Let’s shall.

We start with the title- “Elf on the Shelf Is A Thing In My House, Deal With It”. Alrighty, then.

There are a lot of people these days hating on Elf on the Shelf. For every picture I’ve seen of an elf clinging desperately to the top of a Christmas tree, it seems I’m finding an accompanying piece titled, “Sorry, Elf of the Shelf, but you won’t be in my house.” I’m assuming this is because people don’t have the time, don’t want to lie to their kids or don’t want to bribe their kids into good behavior, because that isn’t sustainable or because every time their kids sees the elf, they scream the roof off of the house.

It’s amazing to me the number of adults who seem incapable of even being able to deal with a cloth and plastic doll who gets thrown from one corner of the house to another. Who gets thrown from corner to corner for one purpose: TO MAKE KIDS SMILE.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN! But seriously, these are all very valid reasons for not wanting to take part in this ridiculous made-up “tradition” of barely nine years that is now becoming so ubiquitous that kids without an Elf feel left out. And incapable? I am more than capable- I simply do not want to do it. Am I capable of making my kids cookies everyday? Certainly. But it’s not happening.

And sir, there are a great many things that make my kids smile: fart noises, a funny-shaped turd, someone shooting snot out on to the sidewalk and Family Guy (don’t ask). By no means does that translate to “I MUST DO THIS BECAUSE THEY ARE SMILING!!!” If we use our kids as a barometer of what is appropriate and acceptable to us, then I am afraid for the world.

He continues on stating the various reasons and “debunking” them.

I can’t be busy-splained any longer.

If you’re a parent, you’re busy. I guess the more kids you have, the busier you are. I may still be too new at parenting to know for sure, but I do not think there’s a prize awarded at the end of every year to the parents who most successfully convinces people they have -14 hours in every day.

I get it if you don’t have one minute at night to throw your Elf on the Shelf onto a Christmas tree or to hang him from a ceiling. A lot of people don’t have six minutes. What’s crazy is that parents who write pieces based on not having time for Elf on the Shelf think kids give any more than 0.01 shits about where the elf ends up the next day. If they give that many shits, it’s because you’ve set the wrong expectations.

I think a parent saying they are “too busy” for something is often code for “I actually don’t give a shit” and maybe those parents just don’t want to tell your Elf-loving self that they think it’s so totally ridiculous they wouldn’t waste even one moment of their precious kid-free time on it.

And of course, as an Elf-hater, I am fully aware that I don’t need to create an ice skating rink in a salad bowl and a marshmallow world for him to roam in but if I don’t, why bother? Couldn’t I then pick any stuffed toy from my kids collection (you know, one that doesn’t cost me a tank of gas for my car) and throw it from shelf to shelf? Isn’t his “magic” kind of the point? Not to mention, kids do go to school and discuss this stuff. My daughter notices every detail. She would certainly come home and want to know why her friend’s Elf was up all night scattering glitter and sugar plums all over the counter while hers just shuffled from the dining room shelf to the hallway closet with no fanfare. I don’t need any other reasons to feel like a half-ass mom, I do just fine on my own, thanks.

Like Santa, the Easter Bunny, leprechauns at the end of rainbows and a doctor’s visit that is actually fun, the Elf on the Shelf is a complete fabrication. He or she is but another lie we keep juggling as parents.

But we have way worse lies on the go at all times that are way more damaging to a child’s future than whether or not Elf on the Shelf is real. We tell our kids that everything is fine when we’re struggling financially. We tell our kids that everything will be OK when daddy is crying because something went bad at work or at home. We tell our kids everything will be OK when someone we love very much is sick. We do that because we don’t want our kids to worry about us. Who knows whether or not that’s the right decision but we often make it in the moment to protect them.

So, because we protect children from hard truths they are not old enough to understand means we should tell other lies too? Having an Elf around to report to the North Pole with presents hanging in the balance doesn’t send a message to my kids that I feel comfortable with. Sure, you can say that is not what YOUR Elf is about but isn’t that what the book is about? And if that isn’t the point, then what is? “Hey, it’s the holiday season so I’m going to move this Elf around the house for no reason at all!” Seems legit.

On taking issue with the bribery aspect of the Elf:

I’d agree to this if every parent wasn’t guilty of it at some point. The parent who can come to me and sat they’ve never offered their child anything as a reward for good behavior can show me their Parent of the Year certificate and I’ll kiss it. I’ll kiss it in my Santa boxers and my ugly Christmas sweater.

So, because you have bribed them a few times so you can pee alone or get through a trip to Target without a major meltdown means we should keep up a bribe to get them to behave the entire month of December because, presents? And what of the other 11 months of the year? Maybe we need an Elf for all seasons!

The end:

You aren’t better than me because you’ve taken a stand against Elf on the Shelf. You aren’t raising less gullible kids. The fact that you don’t like it when other parents post pictures on Facebook of an elf who has painted snowmen on their child’s face doesn’t make me admire you more.

I’m just an average guy doing average things with a toy. My kid smiles when Elf has fallen down on the floor. I don’t care how many page views you get by writing about how Elf on the Shelf will never be in your house because xx. I don’t care that in your strange logic, my kids are being spoiled by having yet another make-believe character giving them crap.

Every time my kids smile because they’ve seen Elf doing something stupid, I feel victorious. I’ll do it until I’m 135 if the smiles keep coming, because there are too many points in their life when smiles won’t be there.

I am not asking for admiration and by no means do I think I am better than anyone. I’m a parent making a decision I think is right for my children and I don’t need to hear that all of my reasons are invalid. And I’m not sure it makes them less gullible, but when they whine to me about their friends Elves, I tell them freely that they can be purchased at Barnes and Noble for $29.95 and that makes them not at all magical. I don’t think I am better for saying that but it’s what sits right with me and makes MY children smile. Sure, they still get jealous now and then of their friends with an Elf but they understand he isn’t real. And as strange as you think my logic is for having solid and thoughtful reasons for not buying into this, I find it strange that you seem so bent on convincing us all that it’s totally cool. Now if you will excuse me, I’m off to make my kids frown. Because that’s how us non-Elf-having parents roll.

(Image: Twitter)