Birthdays are pretty much a technicality past 21, but that doesn't mean we have to stop pretending they matter. I, for one, will milk any excuse to demand extended periods of rest and chocolate cake. Once you become a parent, birthdays are less about getting awesome stuff and more about the exciting possibility of a break from your normal routine. Keep your greeting cards and your Mom Of The Year coffee mugs. Here are a few things most moms really want for their birthday:
1. To finish a whole cup of coffee before it gets cold.
Is there anything worse than that cold, sad sip of coffee you get when it's been sitting there for 45 minutes while you pack lunches, find missing shoes, and clean up spilled milk? There is, but just forget about that for a second. Focus on the dream: hot coffee all the way through. No top-offs. No microwaves.
2. One complete day with a clean shirt.
Oh, to go one day without catching your reflection in a window after a face-to-face conversation with someone and thinking, "What the hell is that on my boob?" Could be snot, could be oatmeal -- you'll never know, and really, do you even want to?
3. No obligation to speak to anyone. At all.
I appreciate your birthday phone calls. Please leave them on voice mail because I am not interacting with humans today. No answering questions, no teachers, no bosses, no bill collectors, no spouses. Leave me here to make love to the sweet, sweet silence.
4. One whole day of only wiping our own butt.
24 hours. No foreign butts. And yes, your butt is still foreign even if you came out of my uterus. Get it out of my face, please.
5. To wake up after the sun comes up.
Sleeping in is not what matters here. It can be one minute past dawn for all moms care. We just want to wake up when it's light outside. Just once, just to remember what it feels like.
6. To not share anything. With anyone.
No, you may not have a bite, a sip, a piece, a chance, a turn, a try, or just a little bit. Everything is mine. Go away.
7. Time to read books for grown-ups.
No, we don't want to read The Book With No Pictures; we want to read a book with no pictures. Uninterrupted. While drinking hot coffee and making love to the silence.
8. All the Netflix.
See also: NONE of the Caillou, Sofia The First, Daniel Tiger, Peppa Pig, Super Why, or Angelina Ballerina. Especially not Angelina Ballerina. God, she's the worst.