Image: iStock / monkeybusinessimages
You don't have to be a dad to know that fatherhood can be complicated. Like, so-complicated-you-feel-like-you-are-in-a-cyclone. If you're a mom, you likely have some idea what your male counterpart feels about this crazy thing called parenting. But, there are unique experiences about being a mom. Similarly, there are things moms can learn about being a dad. These funny dad tweets sum up what it is like to be papa.
These dads managed to condense the essence of being a father down to 280 characters — and sometimes 140 characters or less, if they prefer to play by the old Twitter rules. The funny dad tweets distill everything between the endless diaper changes, the river of tears, and the random homework questions down to the nitty-gritty. Spoiler alert: Sometimes, the finished tweets are actually hilarious. Prepare to chuckle at these dad tweets. It doesn't matter whether you're a papa, mama, or childless, you can see how crazy parenting can be.
This tweet might recall some hyper, sleepless nights for moms and dads. A large chunk of parenting is getting your kids to calm down and pleeeeeease go to sleep. And this honest tweet shows that even if kids are so tired that they can barely keep their eyelids open, they still won't be able to go to sleep later. It is like they have been designed to sleep for a few precious seconds — and it is enough for them to recharge their batteries. The peaceful slumber is just enough time for us to think our babies might actually be good sleepers. Then we are quickly proven wrong.
This is one of the funny dad tweets that highlights the moments when papas find out the essence of what being a dad boils down to — complete with all of its twists and turns. Being a father can be totally crazy. Once most men realize this, they don't feel the need to experiment with other extreme sports. We bet that if they did try things ice climbing, white water rafting, or whatever, they would probably find out the adrenaline rush they get isn't quite as high as the one they get with their kids on a daily basis. Kids keep you on your toes in ways you cannot ever predict.
What parent doesn't have the hopeful intention that they will raise their kids in a house that celebrates equality and respect for others? It's a pure thought. And it is likely gone from everyone's minds after the first few days of bring a child into their house. This dad highlights the hilariously real problem. The mistake is the majority of dads and moms assume that it is the adults who are the ones who decide whether the house is ruled as a democracy, dictatorship, or a monarchy. What we realize too late is that it's the littlest ones in the household who have the final say. Doh.
You have probably discovered the difficult reality that the chances of your kids doing something you want are extremely rare. And the more times you ask, those small odds decrease significantly. Sigh. This dad knows that the moment that just took place is really precious. He can see the stars have aligned for an all-too-brief period and he literally wants to bank on it by buying a lottery ticket. The question is whether winning the lottery would make fatherhood easier. Or, would all the cash make no difference? Would trying to control your kids be as useless as ever? We suspect more of the latter.
Is it more palatable to hear what fatherhood is all about in beautiful prose or in text speak? We will let you philosophize about that. What we will say is that this funny papa has managed to capture what pretty much every car journey is with kids. Additionally, he has created a metaphor for the life of a parent. Clever, huh? We can envision the long, twisting road as clearly as the dropped pacifier covered in dirt, bits of lint, and that random hair. (Sorry, but it is true.) Of course, every mom and dad will hear the cries of the children from the back seat. We hear those even when there aren't children in the car. The wails become ingrained in us.
Dads (and moms) will be chuckling at this father's funny zoo scenario. If we're honest with ourselves, the thought of someone adopting the kiddos has probably crossed your mind. It might even have been during a frantic zoo trip where the baboons acted more civilized than the children. Even if the zoo/pound/anywhere else accepted kids, we wouldn't really give them away. But, there is some sort of comfort to be found in imagining the scenario. It is also tremendously amusing to picture whether the kids or the monkeys would come out on top. While we're on the subject of zoos, fatherhood in general could be likened to a zoo.
If we aren't trying to get kids to sleep, we are very likely trying to give them something that would count as a vaguely balanced diet. (That means not having mac & cheese for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.) This dad's funny and real tweet highlights how much effort and trickery can go into incorporating fruits and vegetables into a little one's meal. Of course you cannot simply put carrots, grapes, or anything else healthy on a plate and hope the kids will eat it. That is futile. You have to mix it with the good stuff. Then you have to pray to the higher powers that toddlers don't pick up on subtle texture and color differences in the food. Eight-and-a-half times out of ten they do.
Life is all about balance. That is a more polite way of saying that it involves a number of scarifies and compromises. You're probably very familiar with the give and take (and give) of marriage. It's the same deal with parenthood as this dad's tweet about fatherhood highlights. There's no denying the love a daddio has for his kids. But, sometimes people can get emotional over the days they had some semblance of privacy, money, health, et al. Fathers might have thought that they were lacking in those areas before, but bringing kids into the picture puts things into perspective of how much you had.
This is one of the funny dad tweets that highlights the surprising things that delight a new parent. Most people do not have that much of an interest in poop before having kids. As long as they go regularly and have toilet paper, they're happy. But, this proud new daddy highlights how the relationship with number two is different when you have a teeny-tiny thing excreting waste. It almost becomes a miracle. Then you will think that it is incredible how so much stuff can come out of something so little. Sorry to get real, but you know it is true.
Dads know that they are ballers when the new ride that they get excited about isn't a car or motorcycle — it is a stroller. We love how he has already figured out that the pram runs on "love and lost sleep" as opposed to simply gravity and a bit of arm strength. This is also just the start of new "vehicles" dads with get enthused about. After the stroller comes the excitement about the mini-van. (Get ready, mamas.) Then it will be bikes with training wheels. And there will be countless reviews read and discussions on what is really the best model.
Do you say a hope and a prayer when you cross the danger zone that is the play area? This papa clearly knows that he is taking his life into his hands when he is stepping through the wasteland of discarded toys. It seems like the guy has mad wrestling skills, but even he struggles to make it through the toy zone without stubbing a toe or slipping backwards. What are the rest of dads supposed to do? Don't children have any consideration for their parents and their delicate toes? And what about their backs? These are adult men with aging spines. They don't want to have to deal with bruised heads and tailbones.
Kids seem to operate on one speed and this dad's hilarious tweet proves that said speed is suuuuuuper fast. Some might have thought that little ones were wired this way, but this kiddo's cheeky response points to their shoes. Like the safety-minded dad, you have probably told your kids to slow down a zillion times in their short lives. And you have probably been rebuffed with a response that's something like this. We will admit that the rebuttal is clever. (Don't tell the children that.) However, when you are in the situation it makes you want to pull out your hair...or throw a shoe.
Being a dad involves saying the same things over, and over, and over, and over — and you get the idea. There are key phrases that enter a father's vocabulary after their kid enters the world. It will get to a point where the dad will say the phrases so much he won't even realize he's saying them. He will also find it difficult to remember a time when he didn't say "do not touch that" and "No, really five minutes." Do the kids listen? Not a chance. That is why you find yourself having to repeat things. It can seem like you're stuck in Groundhog Day, but with more diapers and food being spit out.
Some dads might liken being a father to walking a plank. This papa has compared it to walking a delicate tightrope. We like the metaphor because a tightrope goes on a lot further than a plank. Plus, a tightrope is all about balance and things that will trip you up. (How appropriate when thinking about parenting.) The analogy gets even better. If a dad has a fear of heights, things can get pretty scary. We know that the scales are often tipped way towards the children. And that is why this is one of the very true but funny dad tweets.
We are humans and humans are creatures who feel things. Sometimes, we have so many emotions that we don't know what to do with them. It goes without saying that a lot of those frustrating emotions cannot be put on kids. Dads cannot be shouting about the challenges of life to a three-year-old eating the cereal. And there is only so much time for tweeting about it and/or talking to fellow dads about the trials and tribulations of fatherhood. Therefore, the emotions are often taken out on yourself. A metaphorical — and possibly even literal — punch in the head is what can stop that thought cyclone in your head.
It would be amazing to live in a world full of proper unicorns. We wouldn't be too keen on the werewolves and vampires — unless the latter were like Edward Cullen — but we would settle for any fang suckers and hairy beasts if it meant that we could have kids who listen. This dad clearly knows what an extremely rare thing the last one is to have. Most moms and dads will figure out they have one of the common kinds of kids who pointedly refuse to listen to anything you say. It's like as soon as a father opens his mouth, the kid's ears turn off. We experience it, too.
Fatherhood isn't just about raising a little spawn to be a reasonably functioning adult. It is about surviving them trying to take you down to their level. We are often on the other side of this little kid charade where they try to put the parent versus the parent. Even when we know what they are doing with their "but daddy does it" shtick, we can still fall into the trap. It is natural to want to forget about what the kid has done and focus on why dad would have taught him/her such habits. After all, he is supposed to be the setting a good example. He is not supposed to teach more bad habits. We have enough of those to deal with as it is.
You can say it is a rap verse, in a sonnet, or mumbled when it's four in the morning and your kids are jumping on your bed. No matter when the lines are said, they speak the truth. This dad is a parenting gansta who knows that when you become a parent, your chances of having a healthy bank balance slide into the red even more. We know that they didn't stand much of a chance before. But with little ones to look after/bleed you broke? Forget it. Also, Sleepless Bambinos might be a better stage name than Childish Gambino. Watch out, Donald Glover.