I Am Using Breastfeeding and Voodoo as My Primary Means of Birth-Control

 

After nearly a year of trying, I took a pregnancy test in April of 2012 that confirmed I was pregnant with baby number three. And since that baby has come along and latched on to my boob for the last 13 months, I haven’t seen hide nor hair of my period in about two years.  It’s been a glorious time, really. No cramps and no texting my husband to pick up tampons.  Win, win.

Plus, breastfeeding is nature’s family planning. I assume, even though my baby is eating solids and we are down to a reluctant four feedings a day, that breastfeeding cloaks me in a magical shield that will keep me from a case of the babies.  That’s the whole point of breastfeeding, right? There’s perfect milk for the baby and no more pregnancy for me?

Well, if that doesn’t work out, I have a few more tricks up my sleeve.

Voodoo

I live outside of Philadelphia, and have pretty easy access to the city’s eclectic South Street.  Nestled among Yoga studios for babies and restaurants dedicated to cheesesteak, lies Harry’s Occult Shop. I assume if they sell charms to help you get pregnant, they will sell me a charm to keep me from getting pregnant.  I get jewelry, magical powers and my baby gets something to chew on. Yes!

Jumping Jacks

What comes up, must come down, am I right? I get a little exercise and my husband’s sperm get confused and swim far, far away from my eggs.  Brilliant.

We Shall Only Have Sex Standing Up

I heard from a 15 year old that this is fool proof. Plus, my last baby isn’t currently sleeping though the night, so if I lie down in my bed, I am bound to fall asleep.  I am just trying to keep things interesting!

Chuck-E-Cheese

Another back-up method is Chuck-E-Cheese. Aside from the likelihood that a fight will break out, the mass of screaming children running around will likely cause all of my husband’s sperm to commit suicide.

Beaver Testicles, With Alcohol

Once upon a time, Canadians believed that the testicles of small mammals kept pregnancy away.  But since ingesting the sex organs of a furry animal sounds kind of harsh, they did the amazing second step of adding it to moonshine. I have relatives who live near Canada, so I am going to ask for some imports to keep me wasted and pregnancy free!

The Rhythm Method

Besides the fact that this sounds like something Gloria Estefan would endorse, it’s also birth control that only requires a calendar! My mother says this economic method of stopping pregnancy only failed for her 3 times. My 2 brothers and I will get back to you on what the success rate for this would be.

I am lucky to be a woman in 2014 with so many birth control options available to me.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go buy a pregnancy test for nostalgia’s sake, since I haven’t taken one in so long.

Please note, the author is not actually going to take a pregnancy test. Besides the awesome options listed above, she and her husband also use a variety of other methods, since the three children they already have do not need a sibling. Also, her husband has issued vague threats of moving to Australia if another pregnancy was to occur. She would like to think he was joking, but every time they try to settle their children down to eat at Cracker Barrel, the glint in his eye seems more serious.

(Image: getty images)