I did my duty as a waitress and bartender for ten years. I’d like to think that it gave me a great work ethic and a few fun stories to tell at parties. Little did I know that my time in the service industry would prepare me perfectly for motherhood.
It’s eerie how being a waitress can be exactly like being a mother—a thankless job indeed:
1. Even when you ask for help, you’re always in the weeds.
You just triple-sat me three prom tables? Don’t worry, I got it. You just threw up so hard that you soiled your diaper? Don’t worry, Mom will clean it up.
2. You must be an expert at multitasking.
You’ll never make it in the service industry if you can’t handle more than two tables at once. That rule also applies to kids.
3. You have to deal with picky eaters day in and day out.
Picky little bitches who ask for their meat not to touch their potatoes are part of the gig—and that’s just the customers. At home, a normal day is a toddler demanding to eat only white food or popsicles for dinner. Same-same.
4. Even when a customer is a total asshole, you’re trained to grin and bear it.
This perfectly describes how I feel about my toddler during a tantrum.
5. There’s always sidework at the end of your shift.
Always, always, always. Just when you think you’re done for the day, there are more Legos to pick up or more silverware to roll.
6. You listen to the same stupid music every day of your life.
When I worked at Carrabba’s as a waitress and bartender, I could sing every annoying Dean Martin song in my sleep. These days, I find myself humming Sesame Street jams after the kids have gone to bed.
7. You want to murder your coworkers.
You spend every single shift with these people, and they still can’t figure out how to fill the GD ice bin. I feel the same way about my husband and the crumbs he leaves on the counter. JUST WIPE IT OFF.
8. You hate your ugly uniform.
I despised my restaurant apron, collared shirt, and tie that soon smelled like rancid butthole and olive oil. I feel the exact same way about my three-day-old yoga pants.
9. You spend at least 80% of your shift cleaning up kids’ food off the floor.
This sucks as a waitress. It also sucks as a mom.
10. You go out drinking every night to forget what happened.
If a glass of wine isn’t waiting for me at bedtime, heads are gonna roll.
(Image: Rommel Canlas/Shutterstock)