10 WTF Mother’s Day Gift Ideas, Courtesy Of The Internet
Reminder: Mother’s Day is quickly approaching. I always confuse Mother’s Day and my own mom’s birthday, because they’re less than two months apart and also I’m a horrible person. To compensate, I try to go crazy with gifts, and let me tell you, it doesn’t always work out as well as I’d like. I’m historically a horrible gift giver–I get these grand notions and then run up against reality and end up giving a shell of the idea. One year, I really wanted to get my moms’ awesome but broken record player fixed for her because she has a great record collection and loves that player. It turned out that they don’t make the parts for it anymore, and so I just got her some records. That she couldn’t play. She was touched, but like, I suck.
The secret to Mother’s Day gifts is that they’ll like anything. We’re the gift. My mom lovingly displayed those records right on top of the pile of other records she can’t listen to. But here’s the thing: as gifts, kids suck. We need to do better. To be better. At least try and buy a thoughtful gift to offset your pitiful existence. I think we all owe our moms at least that much.
Since I’m not on the West Coast with her this year, we’ll have to go for a remote celebration, and I can’t fall back on my successful bag of tricks–cooking an elaborate breakfast and taking her on her favorite drive overlooking the ocean, for instance. I’ve been perusing the Internet for good gifts for my mom (who put up with some hell raising in her day), and I’ve found that basically everything online is garbage–it’s all stupid, meaningless trinkets.
I searched online for “mother’s day gift ideas,” and boy, did I find some doozies. Don’t buy any of these.
1. Awkwardly romantic, useless trinket
Sit back and imagine this scenario: you’re finishing up your Mother’s Day brunch when your brother kicks you under the table. It’s time to present Mom with a gift, and you guys hand over a single rose. A single, gold plated rose, like this 24k Gold Rose ($18.94). Handsome box! At least Mom won’t need to stress out trying to find a vase!
2. Horrifying, faceless statuettes
Give your mom the gift of fear with these Willow Tree Close to Me ($25.93) statuettes. Remind her that dementors could very well be real creatures that will come and suck out her soul, turning her into a faceless wood block. At least you can hold each other while the nightmare becomes reality.
3. Patronizing dishes
Did your mom really go nutso for that “Toughest Job In The World” commercial? In that case, the I’m A Mom, What’s Your SuperPower?” 12oz Coffee Mug, ($12.95) is exactly what you’ve been seeking. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about moms from my time writing for Mommyish, it’s that moms love ugly shit with confrontational, patronizing language. It’s a home run!
4. The world’s ugliest decorative item
I don’t even know what this is, but apparently it’s an I Love You Mom Lighted Mothers Day Gift Acrylic Cube, ($15.99). According to Amazon, this monstrosity “exudes motherly love, tenderness and care,” and the more I look at it, the more I see what they mean. This thing really is a paragon of warmth and love, so much so that I assume they give it to newly adopted puppies to help them adjust to life without their moms. Am I too old to ask for one of my own to cuddle during those lonely nights?
5. The ugliest freaking earrings I have ever seen
If your mom has a taste for fine jewelry, she should be more than satisfied with this pair of Sterling Silver Heart-Shaped Mother and Child Earrings, ($37.99). Modeled, I assume, on a pair of embellished fallopian tubes, this set will remind her where you came from (her downstairs). What a way to celebrate.
6. An instrument of unknown origin
Maybe your mom is a naturally talented musician, or perhaps she simply has an appreciation for music that cannot be matched. The perfect gift for a mom like that is an almost certainly inauthentic Authentic Traditional Wooden Flute, ($19.99), and maybe you could throw in some lessons, too. Just google “indeterminate flute-thing lessons.” You can finally form that family band she always dreamed of.
7. Bizarrely gendered house hold organization tools
I get it–your mom is always complaining about how she doesn’t have enough hangers. In that case, shut her the hell up with these pink, heart-bedecked Love Hangers, $19.95. These types of gifts are great when you worry that her present is the type of thing that will be shared, and won’t be uniquely hers. Nothing says “mom” like hot pink and hearts. Nobody else will dare to hang their clothes on these. Also, see if she can fold some of your laundry while she’s at it.
8. Cooking tool tailored for her aging joints
I’m pretty against getting household items like saccharine hangers or vacuums for mother’s day, unless it’s some awesome cool cooking gadget and your mom loves to cook. One year, my mother begged us for kitchen shears as her gift, because she is a really weird person. If your mother doesn’t really care for cooking and you want to insult her, get her this Manual Can Opener Smooth Edge for Arthritis, ($19.99), She is getting up there, you know, and arthritis can’t be too far now.
9. Very poor, very ugly poetry
If you want to break your mother’s heart, I guess you could write a shitty poem for your mom and put it on some construction paper like a heathen with no regard for the world around you. Maybe even add a painted hand print or a picture of the two of you to really stab her through the heart with your lack of caring. But, if you love your mom and want to get her something beautiful, get her this Poetic Mothers Day Decoration Gift Plaque, ($9.22). None of your homemade shit.
10. I swear to God This came up as a suggestion for Mother’s Day Gifts
For the mom who has everything, I give you the Happy Man Bottle Stopper, ($5.38). Happy Mother’s Day.