10 Baby Names To Cross Off Your List
1. Joffrey
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Sure, there are some Wildlings who might hear this name and think of the delightful coffee chain, but the rest of us won’t be able to think of your child as anything other than a pint-sized psychopath, even if he doesn’t wear a crown of gold.
2. Blue Ivy
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Yes, technically Beyonce and Jay-Z lost their application to trademark their daughter’s name. But do you really want to piss off Queen Bey? I didn’t think so.
3. Hitler
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The First Amendment is a powerful weapon. But just because you can name your child after the leader of a regime that was responsible for the genocide of millions doesn’t mean you should.
4. Barbie
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Barbies are awesome toys, but if you name your baby this you better pray she loves pink and happens to enjoy things traditionally associated with being feminine and girly, because everyone else will assume she does.
5. Norman*
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Norman is a perfect name for a future accountant, or maybe a structural engineer. *Unless your last name is Bates. Negative 10,000 points if your family is also in the hotel business.
6. Jinger
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Even if you’re on board with having your daughter’s name make people think of fundamental Christianity and denim, there’s another issue to consider. The Duggar family has been on television for nearly a decade and people still fight the urge to pronounce this name as rhyming with “ringer.”
7. Draco
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Look, we all loved Harry Potter and still feel a fleeting sadness each year on our birthday when our Hogwarts acceptance letter doesn’t arrive. But unless you want your son to get detention from every English teacher he has, pick from one of the other hundreds of names in the wizarding world. Percy has a nice ring to it.
8. Hannibal
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This is a name only a mother could love, and even then you’ll probably have an involuntary shudder run down your spine every time you see his little toddler face smothered in spaghetti sauce.
9. North
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If you’ve got this name on your shortlist (or South, East and West because rumor has it Kim and Kanye are trying for baby number two) then repeat after me: “Anything the Kardashians do, you can do better.”
10. Whatever the name of the Childlike Empress is in The Neverending Story.
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If you’ve ever seen the film then you know that you wait nearly two hours to learn the name of the Childlike Empress, just to have her name be completely incomprehensible when Bastian yells it into the storm (some sources swear it’s Moon Child, but I don’t hear it). It just so happens that Bastian names the Childlike Empress after his own deceased mother, so if he couldn’t say it correctly there’s no chance that the world at large will get the pronunciation right if you choose it for your little one.
(image: B Calkins/shutterstock.com)