Your Bald Baby Girl Is Ugly So Slap A Wig On Her So People Know She Is A Girl
Are you one of those mamas just aching to enter your precious little princess in one of those baby beauty pageants but you just can’t bring yourself to do it because your baby is bald, bald, bald as a ping pong ball?
Don’t you worry because a company has developed baby wigs for even the tiniest babies so you can get your baby on the road to gender identity right away! EVERYONE knows baby girls CAN’T be bald!
(Image: Baby Bangs!)
If you have a daughter who is bald it will be horrific because people may use the wrong pronoun when asking you how old HE is and saying things like “aww, what a cute little boy.” People just don’t understand how damaging this is to a three-month-old. Never fear, Baby Bangs! Made just for little girls ( I love how they clarify this, let’s all buy these for bald little boys just to fuck with them) are the First and only Ready2Wear (I think most designers call their non-couture collection this, or else these people are very big Prince fans) hairstyle headbands ever made!
‘Da fuq? I was a bald baby. My mom must have hated me because she never bought me a baby wig. She would take some fake eyelash glue and glue a little fabric ribbon on my big, bald head so people knew I was a girl. I’m so happy these baby wigs exist. I am glad someone is finally doing something about bald babies and how upsetting it is for most people to be subjected to big bald baby head. I hope this company comes out with more products our baby girls need, because baby beauty seems like a totally untapped market. You know what else most baby girls don’t have? Really long eyelashes. We need some real human hair eyelash extensions for them. Most baby girls are also missing super long, perfectly manicured fingernails. And while we are at it, can we get some baby girl breast implants? Because nothing says FEMALE like gigantic boobs. That way we can be sure our babies are never mistaken for the wrong sex again. And why don’t they make wigs for ugly bald boy babies? And eyebrows? Boys need really big eyebrow stick-ons. And facial hair. I want press on boy baby facial hair!
As our friends at Jezebel say:
It’s not only unnecessary, but also pretty much insane, to start forcing cosmetic enhancements on a child too young to even have hair on her head.
Amen to that, and another point, what’s wrong with a woman being bald anyway? Nothing.