Childrearing

10 Awkward Things That Happen In The Delivery Room

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10 Awkward Things That Happen In The Delivery Room worried father in delivery room jpgAh, the delivery room. Then place where dignity goes to die. Most of us have been there (if not in a hospital, then perhaps a birthing center), and we all know what kind of mortifying things go on there. Not too long ago I had the honor of being in the delivery room when one of my best friends gave birth. While it was a wonderful moment, it was also just filled with awkwardness. Awkwardness like…

10. The flatulence, OH the flatulence

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There is nothing quite like the pressure-induced rage farts that come out of a laboring woman.

9. Modest? What modesty?

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Remember when I said the deliver room is where dignity goes to die? Well, I wasn’t kidding. If you give birth in a deliver room, everyone WILL see your business. ALL of your business. The whole enchilada. Your fish AND your chips. And you will give zero fucks because dammit, there’s a tiny human trying to escape from your hoo-ha. As my sister so lovingly put it “I felt like I was being double-fisted with a spotlight in my vag.”

8. You have zero privacy

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This might seem like an obvious part of the no modesty thing, but it goes beyond showing off your lady-bits. When my sisters gave birth to her son, the doctor told her to go walk around to help the labor along. Of course, she said “fuck it, if I gotta walk, might as well go get me some snacks” (because we are related and snacks are awesome) but apparently this was a huge no-no. The doctor tore her a new one when she got back.

7. There’s a good chance you’ll puke

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When I gave birth to each and every one of my kids, I tossed my cookies at least once. This was due to that inescapable mixture of fear, nervousness, pain and anesthesia. It was most definitely NOT pretty.

6. You’ll say swear words you didn’t know you knew

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Damn fucking right you’ll curse. Or at least me and every mother I know did. My range of cursing varied from the mundane (fuck!) to the Shakespearean (Oh Fuck thee yon fuckers, get thee the fuck out of here!) and my OBGYN didn’t bat an eyelash.

5.  Your body will betray you

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giphy.com (Yeah, your ASS viewed from the International Space Station) 

And by body, I mean anus. Not every new mom poops herself, but when you do it becomes Mt. Vesuvius up in that piece. The worst part is, this won’t be your typical doody. Nope, this shit (literally) will be tinged with blood and all kinds of other lovely things. And your partner will see ALL of it.

4. Speaking of blood…

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Oh, there WILL be blood. And lots of it. The delivery room is not for the faint of heart. If you think I’m exaggerating then I have three words for you: blood clot nugget. Nuff’ said.

3. You really give birth twice…

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This is what your placenta would look like if it were alive. Good luck sleeping tonight. (giphy.com)

…or more, if you have multiples. I’m talking, of course, about the placenta. The placenta is the magical bag of guts and gore that your body expels after your baby arrives. Will you eat it? Make it into a tasty meaty smoothie? Pretend it doesn’t exist and let the hospital toss it out as the medical waste it is? The possibilities are endless.

2. Sleep? Ha! You thought you’d get to sleep?

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The only thing you want to do once you’ve spent a dozen or so hours pushing out a 6-10 pound baby is SLEEP, but do they let you? Nope. I’ve heard this is also true for our c-section sisters, but correct me if I’m wrong. After you give birth, there’s a whole host of things your doctors torture experts will want you to do. Obviously these are necessary , but the only things I wanted to do after giving birth was eat an entire pizza and go to sleep. In that order.

1. Yours doctors have seen it all before

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The beauty of giving birth in a delivery room is that these folks have seen it all. There is very little that you could throw that them that they wouldn’t be prepared for, and that, my friend, is a comforting notion. There’s absolutely no need to be embarrassed about anything that goes on, because unless you are a mega diva (I’m looking at you, Beyoncé ), your birth is just par for the course for the highly trained medical professionals surrounding you.

(Photo: Tyler Olson/Shutterstock)

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