15 Things Only Someone Who Just Had A Baby Will Understand

I just had a baby. I read a lot of books about parenting and pregnancy before the infant made her appearance, but there is a lot those books don’t tell a person. When I think back on the innocent young person I was a mere six weeks ago, I am aghast at all the things she didn’t understand.

1. Why everyone asks if you’re tired all the time.

I’ve never envied anybody as much as I envy the Kardashians in that GIF. Before having a baby, I heard a lot of people comment on the extreme tiredness of new parents, but like an idiot I figured that was just due to poor scheduling or an inadequate support network. Somehow, despite reading many books that described a newborn’s every-90-minutes feeding schedule, I never parsed that the newborn wouldn’t be getting up to quietly make itself a sandwich at 1:30 a.m., then at 3 a.m., then again at 4:30.

2. Why you hate it when people ask if you’re tired all the time.

I realize this is irrational, but when a distant relative laughs, ”You must be tired!” it takes an act of God not to scream, ”Do you have an effing solution, or are you just making small talk like an effing idiot!?” (I’m sorry. I’m just really tired and trying not to say ”fuck” in front of the baby.)

3. What might happen the first time you stand up the morning after having the baby.

There were 30 nurses in that maternity ward, and any one of them could have said, ”By the way, don’t be wearing your cute new pajama pants when you get out of bed the first time.” None of them did.

4. Your cavalier new attitude to people seeing you naked.

I have giant bay windows and a 6-week-old baby who is breastfeeding on a schedule all her own. At this point I figure that if my neighbors see me topless and have a problem with it, that’s on them for looking through my windows, giant and made of glass though they are.

5. The person who invented the frozen maxi pad deserves a Nobel prize.

Another weird thing about having a baby””I have become the sort of person who gushes about maxi pads on the Internet.

6. Poo no longer seems gross.

I have no logical explanation for this.

7. When you’re a month postpartum and people ask when you’re due.

I think you’re legally allowed to punch people for this.

8. It takes 20 minutes, a clothes hanger, and contortions that would get you into Cirque du Soleil, but you get into your pre-pregnancy jeans. 

That counts as an accomplishment! You deserve a pat on the back. Now take them off and put the maternity yoga pants back on, because clothes with zippers are bullshit right now.

9. All songs, movies, and TV commercials suddenly make you bawl.

Why is every single song in the world about death? I’m pretty sure even “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” is about people dying. The only song allowed in my house right now is the Itsy Bitsy Spider.

10. You suddenly have sympathy for all the oversharers on STFU, Parents.

I want to post everything. Baby pictures, poop stories, intimate information about how wonderful frozen maxi pads are, etc. It’s interesting to me, so that means everyone cares, right?

11. People don’t stop pregnancy-monitoring you.

Somehow I thought that once the baby had vacated my premises, people would stop giving my coffee the side-eye and telling me not to eat salads, but the presence of the baby has actually made it worse. People really want to tell ladies with strollers not to buy sushi around here.

12. Eating at the dinner table? Who am I, Kate Middleton?

We’ll never be royals, so we are eating on the couch out of takeout containers like God intended.

13. How much bigger your boob gets.

That’s not a typo. I was well prepared to have a deflated belly, a differently shaped butt, and a set of rocking boobs. In fact I was not prepared for the left boob to remain a small B and the right one to be an F.

14. You haven’t slept in three days and your stomach looks like a collapsed pumpkin, but your partner is still really into that one giant boob.

Dude. Go away and don’t come back without frozen maxi pads.

15. When you finally get a break and you have to choose between nap and shower.

The answer is always nap until it really has to be shower. It has to be shower when you start misdiagnosing clean diapers as dirty because you’re smelling yourself.

Photo: Pinterest

GIFs: Giphy