Action Movies Gave Us All The Parenting Advice We’ll Ever Need

When we look for role models as parents, the logical place to turn is to our heroes and heroines in the movies. Who could possibly be a better paragon of protectiveness and family leadership than the stars of our favorite action films? If you think you’re tough enough to parent like a Last Action Hero, hang tight for the tenets of action movie parenting.

1. Walking on broken glass is a good way to train yourself to deal with the pain of stepping on a stray Lego.

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There’s still nothing that can ever hurt as bad as a Lego, but it’s better than not training at all.

2. It’s not worth the trouble to make sure your kids are dressed ‘modestly’.

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After the family weathers an explosion or extreme weather event, all of your clothes will end up strategically ripped to cover only the mandatory areas. So checking that your daughter’s shorts are fingertip-length or that your son’s underpants aren’t hanging out the back of his jeans before you embark on a family trip to an active volcano or underground crime syndicate is just a waste of time.

Side note: a dirty, sleeveless undershirt is a suitable garment for nearly any occasion.

3. Family exercise is important.

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Running away from explosions is a great activity that you can all do together. If your current fitness level doesn’t allow for running, try walking briskly instead.

4. If your child’s teacher has a German accent, transfer him out of the class immediately.

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There is a 97% chance that teacher is evil. Same goes for teachers with Russian accents. If the teacher has an English accent, there is a 50-50 chance that he will turn out to be evil or that he will be your child’s most trusted educator and mentor, so you will probably want to play things by ear.

5. Never let your kids dye their hair or get glasses in the middle of a school year.

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They will become instantly and utterly unrecognizable to their teachers and classmates, and all those unexcused absences will start to add up faster than you can say “Goodbye, perfect attendance award.”

6. It’s a good idea to have a central space in your home to organize family activities.

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Wall calendars are so passe, though. Try a bulletin board covered with scraps of paper connected by pieces of string. Use different string colors for each family member–otherwise this thing could get confusing!

7. It doesn’t matter how well-fortified your home is, your teen is going to find a way to sneak out of it at night.

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Security cameras, barred windows, labyrinths, guard dogs–you can take every play out the villain’s handbook and she’ll still get out if she wants to. On the bright side, these skills will serve her well if she gets kidnapped by the bad guy while she’s out past curfew. And besides …

8. Assuming you’re the protagonists, nothing really bad can ever happen to your family.

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You might suffer some bumps and bruises along the way, but you can free-range parent worry-free, because nothing really bad ever happens to the heroes. Score!

You may, however, that not very many families want to hang out with yours, at least after the first few casualties start racking up. I suggest moving frequently if you want in on play date action.

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