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Childrearing

7 Things I Let My Kid Do Because I Am Sick And All Out Of Fucks Today

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Small child colds are the worst, because when the kids are sick it affects everybody. Suddenly sleep schedules are ruined, work schedules are ruined, and we have to spend all day trying to comfort a tiny little person who cannot really be comforted. But when mom is sick, it’s pretty fantastic for the kids.

Here are some of the things my kid is allowed to do because I have a cold and am all out of fucks today.

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1. Every meal is Macaroni and Cheese until further notice

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(IcemanJ/iStockPhoto)

Some people like chicken soup with noodles. Some people like spicy chili broth. When I’m sick, it’s just macaroni and cheese all the way down.

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2. The whole day is screen time

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(Czanner/iStockPhoto)

Kids are supposed to be limited to a hour a day or less? Eff that shit. Everyone is just going to be on the couch, under a blanket, watching Zootopia and Frozen for the rest of the day. I feel like crap, but this is basically small-child Christmas.

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3. Basically just whatever you want. I don’t care. 

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(Stevie_Croft_Photography/iStockPhoto)

Not normally allowed to walk on the couch or moon the neighbors? The biggest objection you’ll get today is a pathetic, “No, stop!” and a weak hand-wave in your direction. If there are any toddlers reading, now is the perfect time to go learn to use the stove.

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4. Use naughty language

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(Denniro/iStockPhoto)

My kid’s been trying to be allowed to say “Yeah” instead of “Yes” for three months straight, but after a few minutes of me going, “Fuuuuck, I feel like shit. Fuck me, this fucking sucks” she sounds like she’s being raised by an episode of Deadwood.

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5. Make a huge fucking mess

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(Lisa5201/iStockPhoto)

I have neither the energy nor the inclination to tell a toddler not to carry a big bowl of Chex Mix by herself, and I’m not cleaning it up when it ends up on the floor. Maybe my partner will get the vacuum when he comes home, but statistically speaking, this is just our carpet now.

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6. Unroll all the toilet paper

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(markcarper/iStockPhoto)

The cat was right, unrolling all the toilet paper and throwing tissues around is the most fun a person can have.

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7. Just keep wearing pajamas all day

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(FamVeld/iStockPhoto)

It’s pajama day for everybody! Truly, I don’t actually know why every day isn’t pajama day. Am I just wearing pants because I fear the opprobrium of society? Not today, I’m not.

Man, this picture looks so snuggly. It makes me want to take a nap forever.

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