19 Kids And Counting: The Big Birth Special That Only Included Five Minutes Of Actual Birthing

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This was it, Duggar “fans!” The moment we’ve all been waiting for since Jill Dillard barely let the pee dry on her pregnancy test before telling the world that she and Derick had successfully fornicated. We finally got to see the whole lead-up to Israel David Dillard’s birth! It was everything and nothing all at once, as is the usual with this show. Two hours long and only maybe the last 20 minutes were focused on the birth, which was fine, because there was plenty of funny filler in the hour preceding it. Alright, everyone — fill your birthing tubs, get a badly-timed pedicure and settle in for this week’s recap of 19 Kids and Counting!

We start off at Jill and Derick’s house where preparations for their tiny messiah are in full-swing. They are hosting the troop of mid-wives for a little palace tour so they know what corridor to head down when it’s go time. Derick casually mentions that they’ve procured a blender in case they decide to grind up the placenta afterward and I vomit a little into my vodka because, come on. Derick keeps saying “we” are pregnant and talking about how overwhelmed he is and while I sort of sympathize, my instinct is to kick him square in the junk. This is all Jill gets in life — to be pregnant and have babies. Let her have her moment in the sun, Derick.

The mid-wife meeting continues and we see Jill’s GORGEOUS bathroom. Honestly, Jim Bob outdid himself here. There are numerous options for the moment of the birth including a giant tub, a shower that could fit half the Duggar family and as Jill so helpfully points out, a toilet. Because, sure. Michelle tells the camera that Jill probably knows too much because of her experience as a mid-wife and that she’s on information overload. I would agree as Jill pulled out a birth plan as thick as a book. They talk about how Jill wants to labor at home for as long as possible and how Derick wants to “catch” the baby, which I know is all part of the Bradley birthing method but I can only picture Derick with a catcher’s mitt waiting. Because I’m a jerk.

Now, it’s time for Michelle, Queen of All Things Uterine, to wax poetic about all of her births. This part was so boring I nearly gave up to paint my toenails but she did have some nice advice for pregnant moms that was surprisingly non-judgmental. She talked about her first few births and how the interventions used caused her to try natural birth for Jill and that it worked best for her as far as recovering. She was not preachy at all, I was pleasantly surprised. She said whatever works for each mom and baby is what should be done. Now, if only she could apply this to abortion, the transgender population and gay marriage I would actually like her as a human being!

Now, in the most staged scene of the whole episode, Michelle sits Josie down and explains that they’re giving her “baby bed” to Jill and Derick. Baby bed being a crib, but they talk to Josie like she’s two years old even though she’s five and it’s making me want to throw up. Of course, they know she’s their last child so they probably baby her quite a bit more than they should but she’s a smart little girl. They should talk to her in an age-appropriate manner.

Anyway, they go on a mad hunt for the crib, as The Boob has lost track of where he stored it in their giant compound. They eventually locate it and holy shit, it is CHEWED UP. I know my kids definitely did that to our crib but come on, Jill and Derick want this for their first baby? With all the reality show money they have rolling in they have to use this nasty eight-year old crib with chew marks? Booo Duggars. I don’t approve.

At this point, it is really obvious to me that Michelle still has wicked baby fever and is not at all ok with being done having children. That’s sad to me. She’s been defined for years by her ability to pump out babies and now that she’s older and hasn’t gotten pregnant in so long, it’s sinking in for her. Hopefully, the grandchildren will soothe her urge and make her feel less sad about being done.

Meanwhile, at the Dillard palace, Derick is thirsty for this old-ass crib. It’s only a week before their due date and the nursery isn’t even started yet. How in the world did this happen? They shared the pregnancy news at first blush! So weird. Boob and Michelle come over with Josie and help them assemble the chewed up crib. They basically wing it with no instructions and just start sticking in bolts willy-nilly. Michelle says she “thinks” it’s solid, so great! Good luck, Baby Dilly. I hope even as an infant you inherit the carpentry skills of our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. You may need them at 2 am when your shit falls through.

(Related: 19 Kids And Counting: In Which Jessa Can’t Turn On Her Oven And Derick Learns To Daddy)

Derick decides to take his mom, Cathy, and Jill out for a pre-baby pedicure. Not just them. He gets his feet all pretty too and man, is he excited about it. I’ve gotta say, I’m impressed he does this. It seems like the Duggars are very into their gender roles and I doubt Jim Bob would ever do something so feminine. Props, Derick. You’re slowly getting back into my good graces after CatGateâ„¢. Cathy is so happy and talks about how she can’t wait to meet her first grandchild. She looks a lot better than she did at the wedding, so hopefully, her treatments have worked.

A point of interest in this scene is that a male salon worker does Jill’s pedicure whilst a female one does Derick’s! SACRE BLEU! Is this part of the fundie marital playbook?! I guess it would be weird for one dude to do another dude’s pedicure, but still. This is wild and crazy stuff by Duggar standards. Hopefully, they prayed first.

Michelle gives a “lesson” on babies to the younger girls using baby dolls, diapers and little bottles. She talks about how important it is for them to know (obviously) and also, how excited they are for Baby Dilly to come, which is cute. It’s sort of a boring scene but Jenny does put a diaper on the baby doll’s head, which I enjoyed. I like seeing them be playful and slightly ill-behaved, like regular kids. They all seem so robotic at times, it’s refreshing to see hints of an actual childhood not ruled by complete obedience.

Michelle gives parenting advice to Jill and Derick centered around putting your spouse first. Basically, making sure that mommy is still available for boinking with daddy no matter how many times she gets up with the kids during the night. Sigh. Dammit Duggars. Just when you’re almost likable. At the base of it, I get it. I think it is important for kids to see their parents happy together and affectionate. Then, we flash to Josh and Anna looking ready to vomit as they discuss all the PDA that Boob and Michelle have subjected them to over the years. I think there’s a fine line between making sure your kids know your marriage is secure and making them ill with all your grossness. They flashed to a scene where Boob asks Michelle if she’s “turned on” right in front of Jessa. Ugh someone stop him.

Here’s a boring scene of Derick dressing up as Oklahoma State mascot “Pistol Pete”. It’s boring but it is sweet because his late father used to be the mascot when he attended the school and then, Derick went there too. Derick does look super creepy in the outfit and even Jill seems freaked. She was nervous to kiss him at first — I think she honestly thought it might not be him and God would damn her to eternal hell fire for kissing a plastic mascot mask that may or may not be her holy intended. Anyway, Derick seemed to have a great time with it and it’s nice for him to be connected to his dad this way. You win this one, Dillards.

Time for Jill and Derick’s baby shower, which is basically a carnival day for them. Babies are obviously a big spectacle with this family so the baby shower is like the Big Dance before the Real Dance of birthing and whatever. They invite the guys, which again, very progressive. I think Derick being more of a modern dude is good for the Duggars. He is rubbing off on them. Even Boob attends, saying he never would have when he and Michelle first had kids. Ben attends too and there is an interview montage of the guys discussing what a manly baby shower would be like. Derp says there would be “toughness contests” and I almost fell off the couch. Seriously, Derp — don’t EVER change. You make this show so freaking entertaining.

Jill and Michelle have a staged and stupid lunch to discuss Jill’s hopes and dreams for labor and delivery. As if this has not been a daily topic of discussion for the last nine months. Hell, the last nine YEARS. Michelle talks a little more about all the stuff she went through with her pregnancies and touches on what happened with Josie’s premature birth and also, the loss of their 20th child. Sad stuff, for sure. This episode had a lot of sad moments, I’m honestly hoping for more giggles next week.

Boob made a daddy care package for Derick including a onesie with all baby body parts labeled so he’ll know how to stuff the little guy into it. Judging by his shitty car seat buckling skills, this gift might be more useful than we know. The Duggars all gather a few days before the due date to help Jill and Derick get the nursery set up, chewy crib and all. It turns out pretty cute and it is nice how they all come together. They set up the bumper and it’s super thick. I hope they take that out for Baby Dilly and it was just for show. It was like, pillow thick! The glider is super baller so even though the crib is a chewy wreck, at least Jill has that.

Time for Derick’s birthday and everyone gathers to give him gifts. Jill gives him a jackknife and says he can use it to hack the chord when Baby Dilly comes. I really can’t tell if they’re serious or not but let’s hope Derick chooses a more sterile instrument when the time comes because, ew. Now, for the biggest tear-jerker of this sappy episode, Cathy gives Derick a hand-written note that his dad wrote when Cathy was pregnant with Derick. It was about how he felt Derick kicking through his mother’s stomach and couldn’t wait to meet him. The entire room starts bawling and even I’M bawling. It was incredibly touching. I can’t imagine having my kids with one of my parents deceased so I’m sure there is a lot of pain there for Derick.

Ok, guys. Time for the birth. I hate to disappoint, but my God, is it boring. It’s not Jill and Derick’s fault, they only need be concerned with getting their baby here and healthy. I had higher hopes for TLC, though. It was poorly edited and only took up a small portion of the end of this two-hour odyssey. Jill’s water broke at 3:43 am and from there, she labored at home for 48 hours before seeing meconium staining her pad. Yikes. She says they knew then they should probably get to the hospital because it could become an emergency soon. I always thought that any meconium coming out was a certain emergency but what do I know? They head to the hospital with Michelle, Jana and company in close pursuit. Jill looks scared and I feel bad for her. This is not going according to her plan.

She arrives at the hospital and they let her labor another 12 hours before discovering the the baby was breach. He must have turned sometime during labor because he wasn’t breach last they’d checked and this is where the surgeon suggests going for a c-section. Her water has been broken for nearly three days at this point and the risk of infection is increasing. Jill agrees reluctantly and I can feel her heart break from my couch. I know how it is to end up with a birth other than what you pictured and I’m sure it was very tough for her to hear. She was a trooper, though — you didn’t see her sweat. They get the baby out in short order and all was well with his health and hers. Jill shouted out “HE’S NOT UGLY!” which got a chuckle from me. I think all parents secretly worry their baby will be ugly and are highly relieved when they aren’t.

Everyone is praying at the family compound when the news comes in that all is well and Israel is born. They all rejoice and share photos — it’s really very sweet. Jill is back at the hospital saying he was worth every bit of pain, of course, and she looks happy and exhausted. As it turns out, she stayed four days at the hospital! She must have been a wreck after 60 hours of labor and a c-section so I’m glad they kept an eye on her and the baby that long. They head home but stop at the Duggar house first to show off the little guy. Ooohhs and ahhs for all, and that’s a wrap.

Like I said, not the funnest episode and lots of boring filler but whatever. I can only work with what Denim Jesus lovingly provides. Tune in next week as we see the big GENDER REVEAL for Josh and Anna’s baby, that we already know is a girl. Seriously, Duggars — maybe hold that information in so the show is actually entertaining when it finally airs. Until next time!

(Related: 19 Kids And Counting: Ben And Jessa’s European Honeymoon, ”˜An American Derp In Paris’)

(Image: DefyMedia)

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