Tonight's the night, fellow Duggar hate-watchers! That's right, 19 Kids and Counting returns and I will once again be recapping all the Duggar doins' fit to print. We have a lot going on this season with Jill and Derick's impending Messiah, Jessa and Ben's wedding (where they may or may not have knocked boots at the church minutes after the ceremony) and the continuing documentation of Josh's middle-age spread at the ripe age of 26. Clearly, there is a lot going on here, so I thought you may find this little primer handy so you can know all the terms and nicknames I use for our favorite fundie family. Feel free to add in the comments if you think I've left anything out and see you tomorrow for the first recap of the season!
The Paunch is my pet name for Josh, the eldest of the Duggar brood. As mentioned above, he is only 26 but looks to be about 53. A reader once referred to him as a loaf of Wonder Bread left out in the rain. Accurate.
This is my special name for family patriarch and professional creep, Jim Bob. It's the most fitting nickname of them all as he is, in fact, a complete boob.
The Derp is Jessa's husband, Ben Seewald. You need only watch the episode where he proposed to Jessa to see where he got this moniker. He is lovable, but also, incredibly Derpy. May also be referred to on occasion as Forrest Gump.
Jinger is basically everyone's favorite Duggar. She is sweet and kind and has always seemed like she might make a break for it any minute now and abandon the Duggar family compound. She also does a lot of cool shit on the show and for that, we give her snaps. Jingersnaps.
Back in the early days of Duggar, a recipe for Tator-Tot Casserole was revealed and it's pretty much cream of mushroom soup, tator tots and heart disease. It's a family favorite for it's cheapness because when you are feeding 21 people, it's not going to be something fancy, like hot dogs. It's obviously low on the nutrition scale so whenever we note the state of The Paunch, it's often accompanied by a reference to what this favorite Duggar dish does to the body. Answer: nothing good.
When a Duggar kid is a'courtin, they are not allowed to be alone with their schmoopie or even touch them save for a chaste side-hug. However, after becoming engaged, they are granted access to hand-holding and holy smokes, do you see some kinky stuff. Since it is all they are able to do, there is a lot of intertwined-ness and fingers rubbing together. It's not for the faint of heart.
The Duggars love their denim and their Jesus so I figured Denim Jesus could be their deity. It is definitely the God I pray to while watching this horrific show.
This is often how I refer to Jana. She is the oldest Duggar daughter and arguably, the most beautiful, but she remains a spinster under the employ of Jim Bob and Michelle. She is nanny, seamstress, cook and professional bridesmaid. We all want to see her get out, the poor dear.
Cool Cousin Amy
Last season's finale focused on Amy Duggar and her quest for success in the music business. She will never be famous for singing but she will be famous for being the only Duggar woman that dares to wear pants, kiss boys before marriage and not give any shits that she is 28 and childless. Long-live Cool Cousin Amy. I feel like she gives Jinger something to strive for.
The Duggars don't drink alcohol so root-beer floats are as wild as they get. They were the main beverage at Jill and Derick's wedding and it is also important to note that Jessa hates root-beer. And also, sharing the spotlight with Jill.
This refers to the look of unquestioning devotion to both Jim Bob and Jesus reflected on Michelle's "countenance." Can also be applied to Anna's sister Priscilla.
Otherwise known as, The Fastest Way To Enter The Fiery Gates Of Hell. Jill and Derick had one illicit full-frontal hug during their courtship at the airport after not seeing each other for several months. Jessa and Ben had one right after getting engaged. I mean, why go with the flow of love and natural human emotions when you can be stilted and repressed!
(Image: Defy Media)