100 Things You Will Be Judged About By Your Fellow Moms
No matter what choices you make as a parent, there will always be people ready to take a drink of Haterade. Mom judgments are as eternal as tax day, as perennial as the seasons and as hard to stomach as basically any baked good I’ve ever tried to make. Here are 100 things you can and will be judged on by fellow moms. These might not all apply to everyone, but there is something here for moms from all walks of life.
100. Bottle feeding.
98. Exclusively pumping.
97. Feeding your baby a mixture of cow’s milk, malt flour, and potassium bicarbonate.
96. Working outside the home.
95. Working INSIDE the home.
94. Working on a super-villain-esque weapon that will destroy the world.
93. Being a Stay-At-Home-Mom.
92. Being a stay-at-home Tiger Mom.
91. Being a slacker mom
90. Being a SLUT.
89. Two words – Soccer Mom.
88. Having a tattoo.
87. Having ALL the tattoos.
86. Getting your first tattoo as a grandma.
85. Being a PRUDE.
84. Did I mention being a slut?
83. Liking big butts
82. Not lying about liking big butts
81. Using the Ferber Method
80. Using the “Hide in the Bathroom Till the Crying Stops” Method
79. Using too much social media
78. Not using enough social media
77. Liking a photo on Facebook and expecting that to cure cancer (as they should be judging you, because DUH)
76. Watching too much daytime TV
75. Watching ANY soap opera
74. Two more words: Baby Einstein
73. Not having seen Frozen yet
72. Having memorized all the lines to Frozen
71. When your kids know the words to every Eminem song
70. Two MORE words: Conscious Uncoupling
69. Basically anything Goop related
68. Being overly religious
67. Being an Atheist
66. Only going to church on holidays
65. Never going to church
64. Going to ALL the church services
63. Being a Scientologist
61. Paleo dieting
60. “Eating the leftover chicken nuggets from your kid’s Happy Meal” dieting
59. Being a helicopter mom
57. Loving video games
56. Hating video games
55. Being ambivalent about video games
54. Spoiling your kids
53. Sparing the rod
52. Depriving your kids of “all the things you couldn’t have”
51. One word: Macrobiotic
50. Feeding your kids McDonalds…
49. or sugar…
48. or soy
47. Being a teen mom
46. Being an older mom
45. Basically any age you have kids will have its share of haters
44. Being gay…
43. or bisexual
42. or pansexual
41. or transgender
40. Basically if you’re a part of the LGBTQ community in any way. Because people are awful.
39. Being a terrible cook
38. Being a great cook
37. Being a great takeaway order maker
36. Sending your kid in with store bought cookies because dammit, baking sucks.
35. Watching anything Real Housewives-related
34. Knowing what a Kardashian is
33. Not watching Orange is the New Black (because you’re only hurting yourself)
32. Owning a TV
31. NOT owning a TV
30. Being a douche about not owning a TV
29. Thinking that miso soup is a proper alternative for vaccination
28. Not vaccinating because you believe Jenny McCarthy over science and facts
27. Did I mention being a slutty old whore-o-rama?
26. Aging in any way
25. Not aging the right way
24. Mom jeans
23. Shopping at Nordstrom
22. Shopping at Wal-Mart
21. Shopping at a thrift store
18. Having 20+ kids
17. Choosing to only have one kid
16. Choosing to have no kids (hey, pet parent still counts as a parent)
15. Choosing life
14. Choosing the right for a living, breathing mom to take precedence over the possibility of a life (aka being pro-choice)
13. Being anti-choice (and no, this is not the same as simply choosing life)
12. Using birth control
11. Using the rhythm method
10. Using the “pull out and pray”method
9. Having an abortion
8. Giving your child up for adoption
7. Being in an abusive relationship
6. Leaving an abusive relationship
5. Loving your kids more than your husband
4. Loving your husband more than your kids
3. Putting yourself last
2. Putting yourself first
1. Being a judgmental asshole.