Food

Cheatsgiving: 10 Ways To Ruin Thanksgiving Dinner So Your Annoying Relatives Won’t Want To Come Back

By  | 

The holiday season is supposed to be full of love and warmth and amazing food, but not everyone has the most functional families or hallmark-worthy moments around their Thanksgiving tables. For some people, the holiday season really sucks and Thanksgiving is just another event to try to get through with their sanity intact.

Are you one of those people who can’t stand spending the holiday with extended family but can never seem to get out of it? Here are some things to add to your table to piss your guests off. Maybe they won’t want to return next year.

Thanksgiving Pizza

f82bb7da0ade6685cf2126244e94fb38

Pinterest

Congratulations. You killed America.

 

Ambrosia

5ff325a668bf5b51f869fb4fb30f7774

Pinterest

Just, no.

 

Gold Turkey

f2612b4caed4dd27a9370f9c723710b3

Pinterest

Ha! Edible spray paint exists. Have some gold turkey, Nana.

 

Raisins In the Stuffing

29206e343ab50b5bcbdd46d72e37948c

Pinterest

Stuffing is supposed to be sausage and celery and savory deliciousness.

 

Mince Meat Pie

ed286daeb8ed82270ecd28552e910659

Pinterest

What the hell is this? And why does Aunt Nancy bring one every year? Congratulations, you managed to find a PIE that everyone hates.

 

Tofurkey

75b1aa0fdada792e919536d7dd627027

Pinterest

Don’t forget the gravy!

 

A Dry Thanksgiving

61Rz9t6dqZL

Amazon

Thanksgiving dinner without wine? This will probably just make it harder for you to deal, but at least Uncle Tony won’t be able to get wasted and tell the same story 400 times.

 

Instant Mashed Potatoes

714tF4mYB5L._SL1500_

Amazon

How hard is it to boil potatoes? I never understood the concept of these – and if someone served this up for Thanksgiving dinner I would cry.

 

This Thanksgiving Parade Image

06ed15fd21a861d9068a2fc75edc45e0

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Human Centipede will haunt your dreams.

 

Turkey Cake

b2266414a07437189f17db3e1ba72580

Pinterest

Mmmm, dessert. Congratulations, everyone is horrified.

Enter your own story here to win amazing prizes from Spafinder Wellness 365.Spafinder Wellness 365 Gift Cards are accepted at over 20,000 locations for massage, facials, yoga, fitness and more. Find over 72,000 retail locations on their site.

(photo: Getty Images)

55 Comments

  1. CMJ

    November 11, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    IMHO, that turkey cake is worse than a vagina cake. At least a vagina cake can be funny. Fake salmonella is never funny.

    • momjones

      November 11, 2013 at 12:15 pm

      Don’t you dare add Pine-lime to this list!

  2. FF4life

    November 11, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    If my realities did these things for thanksgiving I would never leave because a thanksgiving this awesome must mean their house is this fun everyday. I demand thanksgiving pizza, ambrosia and gold turkey… I will gladly take a drumstick of that turkey cake.

    • Jessie

      November 11, 2013 at 12:39 pm

      RIGHT?! Maybe I’m just a psycho, but all of that sounds pretty awesome!

    • Rachel Sea

      November 11, 2013 at 12:49 pm

      Turkey cake would be less gross if it weren’t made to look raw. There is nothing appetizing about raw poultry skin.

    • Kelly

      November 11, 2013 at 11:09 pm

      It could use some of that gold spray paint.

    • Jessie

      November 11, 2013 at 11:40 pm

      That I can agree with, I do have to wonder why they colored it to look raw rather than cooked. But either way I’d still eat it, because CAKE. I love cake.

  3. Rachel Sea

    November 11, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Instant mashed potatoes are for frosting meatloaf cakes, and food fights.

    • SusannahJoy

      November 11, 2013 at 12:39 pm

      And “homemade” gnocchi!

    • JLH1986

      November 11, 2013 at 2:11 pm

      I absolutely cheat every time I make meatloaf cupcakes with the instant mashed potatoes.

    • Rachel Sea

      November 11, 2013 at 2:45 pm

      If you don’t have fancy tools to break the lumps, it’s impossible to mash real potatoes smooth enough before they turn glutinous. I personally don’t make enough meat cakes to want to have to cram any more tools in my cupboards.

    • JLH1986

      November 11, 2013 at 2:54 pm

      I’m just too damn lazy after making said meat cakes.

    • Eve Vawter

      November 11, 2013 at 2:59 pm

      a potato ricer doesn’t take up THAT much room

    • Rachel Sea

      November 11, 2013 at 3:14 pm

      If you have a stupid kitchen, any new tool takes up too much room. I have a very stupid kitchen.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      November 11, 2013 at 9:52 pm

      How you know I don’t cook: I had to google what the fuck a potato ricer even was. Thought you were making that shit up 🙂

  4. keelhaulrose

    November 11, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Turn off football in favor of Yo Gabba Gabba. I had a cousin do that one year. When she offered to host again she was quickly turned down.

  5. NicknamesAreDull

    November 11, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    Last year, I made a pumpkin cheesecake and bourbon pecan pie. One of our friends was appalled that I’d add alcohol to a “child’s dessert” and left.

    So, sometimes all you have to do is booze it up a little more.

    • Rachel Sea

      November 11, 2013 at 12:50 pm

      That friend is a silly prude.

    • FF4life

      November 11, 2013 at 2:12 pm

      I don’t think it’s really necessary to call someone a prude because they care about kids consuming alcohol. Not everyone realizes that alcohol cooked in food is taken out by the cooking process.

      I also think its hilarious that you call this person a prude for not wanting alcohol in a child’s dessert but go on to criticize my comment about wanting that turkey cake because it was made to look raw. I can just as easily say that you’re a prude for not having a sense of humor because after all, it’s not really raw poultry, it’s cake and frosting.

    • Toastlette

      November 11, 2013 at 2:42 pm

      It actually doesn’t cook all the way out. Good to know, in case of allergies and what-not.

    • Rachel Sea

      November 11, 2013 at 2:52 pm

      Depends on how much booze, how thick the food, and how it is cooked. I use vodka in pie crusts, and there is no alcohol left behind, because of the cook temp and time.

    • Toastlette

      November 11, 2013 at 2:56 pm

      Yeah, there is a chart out there somewhere in the great wilderness of the internet, I think the amount left in for pie crusts is less than 25% after an hour, but I’m too lazy to look it up. 😉

    • Rachel Sea

      November 11, 2013 at 3:24 pm

      It depends on the proof of the alcohol for starters.

      People who care can take saliva test strips and test food with them. I got some on a lark (because yay food science) and tested a bunch of stuff. Pie crust got a .00, sauteed mushrooms cooked down with sherry got a .01, same as cream of wheat made with vanilla extract, chicken piccata sauce (my favorite restaurant food as a child) got a .09.

      Even food with a “high” alcohol content, has less booze in it than many OTC meds.

    • Eve Vawter

      November 11, 2013 at 2:52 pm

      The idea of someone, even a small child, being allergic to alcohol makes me so terribly sad http://images.wikia.com/glee/images/2/21/Images-article-2012-09-16-channel-ten-glee-crying.gif

    • Rachel Sea

      November 11, 2013 at 2:55 pm

      I had a friend with a psychosomatic allergy to alcohol because of his dad’s alcoholism. Once he realized he could drink, without becoming an alcoholic himself, the allergy went away.

    • Rachel Sea

      November 11, 2013 at 2:50 pm

      I was being cheeky. Leaving a party because of alcohol in a pie is silly. If you go to a restaurant, or a bakery, the chances that something was cooked with wine, bourbon, or vodka is huge. The right cooking temp and time will cook off the alcohol and leave the flavor.

      I didn’t criticize your comment, I disagreed with it. There is a difference.

    • Momma425

      November 11, 2013 at 10:24 pm

      OOOOOHHH, Rachel, if you criticize my comment, I’m going to show up and criticize yours! HA!!
      LOL

    • Eve Vawter

      November 11, 2013 at 2:54 pm

      I care about kids consuming alcohol because that is MY alcohol.

    • Kelly

      November 11, 2013 at 11:06 pm

      It is prudish to be angry about alcohol in a desert that no one is forcing you or your child to eat. It’s also ridiculous and narcissistic.

    • Roberta

      November 11, 2013 at 1:44 pm

      The lady must have it wrong. Pumpkin pie that delicious-sounding isn’t going to make it to the kids table.

    • Kelly

      November 11, 2013 at 11:05 pm

      LMAO, I would have laughed so hard while she was gathering her things and leaving in a huff that I probably would have burst a blood vessel in one of my eyes. Then she could be pissed that I was scaring her kid too.

  6. Just Plain Bob

    November 11, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    I really like some of these ideas.

    • Maria Guido

      November 11, 2013 at 5:08 pm

      I guess the gold turkey is pretty awesome.

  7. Sam Inoue

    November 11, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    Tofurkey is needed if you have vegetarians, we had them a few times growing up. Thankfully my extended family coming over as we celebrate thanksgiving my fellow expats which is lovely.

    • evil step mom

      November 11, 2013 at 2:40 pm

      No, no, no! Tofurkey is NOT needed if you have vegetarians. While there are plenty of vegetarians who like tofurkey, there are also plenty of absolutely wonderful vegetarian dishes that are NOT fake meat.

    • Sam Inoue

      November 11, 2013 at 2:50 pm

      Well I meant in my family it was, because we liked it, obviously not all vegetarians have to eat it and we had other veg dishes. I don’t know why you are snapping at me with bold letters like I said something offensive, I was defending that it isn’t nearly as horrible the other items on this list if you don’t eat turkey and want some thing like it. We liked the flavor, and mostly every vegetarian I have ever know has them on thanksgiving.

    • Eve Vawter

      November 11, 2013 at 2:58 pm

      I would make you a tofurkey!

    • Sam Inoue

      November 11, 2013 at 4:30 pm

      Awe thanks! I’m a pretty cruddy cook, so I promise to bring a lot of good wine .

    • That_Darn_Kat

      November 11, 2013 at 3:16 pm

      Eh, Tofurkey is only needed if the vegetarians eat tofu. When I was vegetarian, I couldn’t stand the taste of tofu, so I wouldn’t eat it. I ate all kinds of other, protein rich things instead. For Thanksgiving, I ate everything else that was prepared. But, like I said, I can’t stand Tofu.

    • Sam Inoue

      November 11, 2013 at 4:34 pm

      Obviously true, I have heard people say they don’t like the texture or flavor, if you had other good food thats awesome. I think was mostly cause my step mom isn’t a very good vegetarian cook so I always liked that she tried. I haven’t had tofurkey for years so it might be nostalgia :/

    • Allen

      November 12, 2013 at 12:35 am

      I don’t think it’s always needed. I’m vegetarian, but I don’t eat tofu or fake meat as a rule, so I would hate it if someone made tofurkey on my behalf.

      I just eat the other dishes. I have no problem making a meal out of side dishes (and dessert!).

  8. LJ

    November 11, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    The image of that cake literally made me gag when I saw it. And then I couldn’t un-see it. I don’t know if I would normally be so horrified or having a hangover on a Monday is just making it worse.

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbaubxfHhk1rzbvsto1_500.gif

  9. libraryofbird

    November 11, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    I’m making instant potoatoes and I’m not ashamed. Idahoian makes a Yukon gold that’s damn delicious. It’s a shortcut that’s just as good maybe even better then I can do.

  10. GPMeg

    November 11, 2013 at 3:59 pm

    OH MY GOD THAT TURKEY CAKE! I almost threw up.

    Also, every Thanksgiving is dry with my in-laws… lord help me!

    • LJ

      November 11, 2013 at 4:12 pm

      I understand your pain.

    • GPMeg

      November 13, 2013 at 11:10 pm

      I think we should make a club for people like us — get together the day before Thanksgiving and drink enough at a consistent rate that we’re still drunk by lunch the next day!

    • Maria Guido

      November 11, 2013 at 7:33 pm

      Oh nooooooo. That sucks.

    • GPMeg

      November 13, 2013 at 11:11 pm

      I want to both up and down vote this lol

      The good news is that my brother in law and his wife are hosting this year so I’m hoping that means we’re introducing beer in to the equation. There was beer at 4th of July… why not Thanksgiving?

  11. Meg Ward

    November 11, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    I will gladly take everyone’s leftover mincemeat pie. It is my favorite pie in the entire world.

  12. gothicgaelicgirl

    November 12, 2013 at 6:14 am

    We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in Ireland and the worst thing is- I’m actually drooling at the thought of some of this food!
    What’s with the marshmallows on the potato mash though, can anyone explain?

  13. Helen Hyde

    November 12, 2013 at 8:07 am

    MINCE PIE IS DELICIOUS. At Christmas. Otherwise it’s wrong.

  14. thefluter

    November 12, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    Aww, I love *good* ambrosia salads, and I make an awesome one. The key is to only use the good fruits — apples, strawberries, pineapple in summer/cranberries for the holidays. and no nuts!

  15. Emily Wight

    November 12, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    Okay, I’ll totally defend the instant mashed potato flakes because you can use them as a gluten-free alternative to breading and I like my food fried.

  16. FaintlyXMacabre

    November 17, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    OMG Ambrosia. So much hork.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *