10 Horrible Things You’ll Do As A Mom That No One Told You About
You hear a lot about what’s going to happen when you have children. People giggle maniacally as they gleefully tell you you’ll never sleep again, as though they were the very first people on the planet to break that news to you. They talk all about labor horror stories and give you way too much information about their mucus plug.
These people suck. Not because they’re giving you unsolicited cliched information, but because they didn’t tell you about all of the mundane, awful crap you’ll end up doing throughout childhood. Things that will make you long for sleep deprivation and leaking boobs.
1. Suction snot.
I hate snot. I hate it worse than poo, worse than throw up. Combine this with the fact that children aren’t born with the ability to blow air forcefully through their noses and you have my least favorite task. Nose-blowing took priority over potty training in my house.
2. Scrape out training potties.
Speaking of potty training, I don’t know why it never occurred to me that you have to actually do something with the stuff that goes into the training potty. Unfortunately this doesn’t happen until after your kid starts eating solid food, so their shit actually smells like shit.
3. Watch horrible children’s television.
I think I was dumb enough to suppose that I would never let my child watch T.V. That turned out to be laughable, and I still have fantasies about sending Thomas the Tank Engine to a scrapyard.
4. Crevice cleaning.
The car seat. The high chair. That roll of skin on your baby’s thigh. It’s all disgusting and gummy and black and it is never quite clean, no matter what you do.
5. Sitting in a plastic playscape.
I never gave playscapes half a thought before I was a parent. And then my daughter got to a certain age, and they were everywhere. The mall, fast food restaurants, everywhere. They all smell like pee and corn chip feet. And despite being totally lame versions of real playgrounds, kids love them. They are drawn to them like moths to a urine-scented flame.
6. Wait in the carpool line.
This is my first year waiting in the carpool line at school and for the love of all things sweet and holy, why did no one tell me about this? It’s nothing but angry, sweating parents, bored because they can’t mess around on their cell phones honking their horns and being massive tools. On a related note, if you cut the carpool line you are a monster and no one likes you, not even your own mother.
7. Scrub skiddies out of underpants.
Why are children unable to wipe their own bums for such an extended period of time? I mean yes, they can wipe, but they can’t wipe well and you will soon find that throwing every pair or besmirched underpants into the trash is extremely expensive.
There are no other words.
9. Sniff an armpit or two.
Children get sweaty and smelly long before you’re ready for them to, and they are completely unself-conscious about it. That’s great, but your car will soon begin to smell like a Bloomin’ Onion if you don’t double check the pits.
10. Comb for nits.
Your child will get lice. It will be terrible. You will never get the evening that you spend carefully combing your child’s hair for eggs and bugs back. You will itch.