Fast food is great. It's cheap, it's easy in a pinch, and best of all it punches all the little pleasure-buttons in the caveman parts of our brains. Of course, man cannot live on $5 Hot-and-Ready Pizza alone, but some people seem to think that fast food is something families should forgo permanently: diabetes! Heart disease! Stroke!
But the No Fast Food contingent's not entirely wrong: here are ten reasons that you should probably avoid fast food whenever possible.
1. Because your jerkass children never share their Happy Meal toys with you.
You're not made of stern enough stuff to be content just sitting there and watching them play with those cool mini-Transformers and My Little Ponies without you.
2. Because your kids always hog all the fry bits and don't leave you any.
This crunchy, delectable, crumbly manna from heaven lurks in the bottom of each bag of French fries, and the miniature black holes you call your offspring always beat you to it. What's the point in going out to eat if you're going to miss out on the tastiest part?
3. Because you suffer from masklophobia.
Clowns, creepy kings, and whatever the hell is going on with the Jack-in-the-Box mascot--no one could blame you for developing a crippling fear of the mascots for each of these chains.
4. Because they'll get coronary heart disease at the age of eleven from eating an occasional cheeseburger.
Haha, just kidding! This is only something a complete weirdo would say.
5. Because you are a family of anthropomorphic farm animals.
Are you going to feed your bipedal bovine children a burger, you sicko? I think not.
6. Because eating food out of a paper bag gives you PTSD flashbacks to the middle school cafeteria.
Why wouldn't Lauren and Katie let you sit with them at the cool kids' table? Why did Mikey squeeze a Capri Sun into your Lunchables that day your mom finally bought them for you? WHYYYYY?!?
7. Because the local fast food joint is the turf of the world's most aggressive Girl Scout troop.
Can you really afford to spend hundreds of dollars on cookies every time you want to take your family out for dinner?
8. Because the last time you went, you got stuck in the PlayPlace.
You can never show your face, or more accurately, your butt, in your town's McDonald's ever, ever again.
9. Because your kids' post-hamburger onion breath is utterly toxic to all biological life.
You cannot be responsible for unleashing that on the unsuspecting world. Think of the children! The innocent, fresh-breathed children of parents wise enough not to buy their kids a butterburger with all the fixings!
10. Because you are lucky enough to be in a situation where affordable healthy food is available, where you have time to cook, and where you never have to grab the fastest, cheapest meal you can to feed your kids before you go back to work at your second job.
Congratulations! While your fresh, organic, home-cooked meal cooks in the oven, you can spend your time writing about how you are a vastly superior parent to those gross poors out there.
(Feature image: Alexander Kosev / Getty)