Depending on who you talk to, enrolling your toddler in a day care is only slightly less dangerous than letting him take up knife juggling as a new hobby. Of course, financially speaking, a lot of families don't have a choice as to whether or not their kids go to day care, either because they can't afford for a parent not to work or because one parent's salary isn't enough to make up for the cost of care center enrollment. But for families who do find themselves considering trying to find a care provider, beware: there are some very good reasons you may want to skip day care entirely.
1. Because your kids are actual werewolves.
Unless you can afford to take the vacation days to keep them at home during the full moon each month, of course.
2. Because you live in the only town in the country whose day cares are actually run by practitioners of satanic child sacrifice.
What are the odds?!
3. Because you gave birth to Edward Scissorhands.
First of all, ouch. Second of all, congratulations on having the world's first C-section performed from the inside out. And thirdly, most kids get a little fussy during diaper changes, but when your kid has five sharpened blades per limb, that becomes a lot more of an issue than a minimum-wage day care worker is equipped to handle.
4. Because along with the deposit and first month's payment, the fine print on the day care contract you were given seems to indicate you also owe your soul.
It seemed weird at the time that they asked you to sign in blood, but it makes sense in retrospect.
5. Because you're 98% sure the local day care is actually a front operation for the Russian mob to smuggle drugs and guns.
Sure, Vladimir seemed nice enough during the pre-enrollment interview, but you're not sure about those prison tattoos.
6. Because the day care is run by a Duggar disciple.
The Quiverfull stuff is bad enough, but if your daughter comes home asking for floor-length denim dresses, you're not sure what you'll do.
7. Because the only day care in town that you can afford is built over a toxic waste dump.
On the bright side, after a few years of enrollment there, your kids can graduate to become X-Men and attend Professor Xavier's School For Gifted Youth instead.
8. Because you didn't enroll your child in day care three years before you started even thinking about conceiving him.
Based on the length of the wait list, he should be able to secure a spot around when he gets his driver's license.
9. Because you live in a post-apocalyptic zombie-riddled wasteland.
And none of the day cares left standing meet your safety standards of "one teacher with a chainsaw for a hand per every six pupils".
10. Because you really like telling anyone and everyone you meet about how you love your precious darlings too much to ever entrust them to a stranger's care.
Congratulations on being Queen of All Parenting, at least in your own mind. The rest of us, however, will be getting by with doing what's best for our families in our particular circumstances.
(Feature image: Philipp Guelland / Stringer / Getty)