A year ago this month I was minding my own business, enjoying the benefits of my IUD, and basking in the glow of my only child, knowing I’d never have to deal with pregnancy ever again, when suddenly I realized my period had gone missing. It stepped out one night in October and never returned. Where could it be, I wondered? I searched high, I searched low, and finally my search led me to the family planning aisle of my local CVS. I peed on a stick, and the double pink chalk outline of my un-pregnant self appeared. She was dead. Gone. Replaced by a Fertile Myrtle whose eggs were like, “F*ck you and your contraception!”
Suddenly I was a part of the one percent, except it wasn’t the cool one percent that has private jets and poops in diamond-encrusted golden toilet bowls. It was the other one percent; the one reality laughs at and mocks mercilessly while their five-year-plan erupts in flames and disintegrates into a pile of ash at their swollen feet. When this happens to you, well, you have more than a few feelings* about it:
Sorry, I reject this reality. Bunk test. Bring me 20 more - get the digital ones - and also a bottle of vodka.
2. Okay, now I’m confused.
These tests all say I’m pregnant. I don’t know what to do with this information.
3. Is this a thing? I feel like this can’t be a thing.
I mean, everyone knows “less than one percent” chance means “only happens to other people and won’t happen to me,” right? Right. So, how did I...? I mean, how did we...? What is going on?
4. I’m having a baby.
See also: how the f*ck are we going to afford this? Am I going to gain 90 pounds? What if we end up homeless? What if my vagina explodes and we all die?
5. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
I had a plan. A plan, do you hear me?
6. WTF, IUD?
I trusted you! I. TRUSTED. YOU!
7. Meanwhile, your partner is like:
8. Then suddenly, you’re like, you know what? We can do this. We’ve got this.
You tried to break me, IUD. Unfortunately, you forgot exactly who it is that you’re dealing with.
9. Plus, you know, babies.
I mean, come on.
10. We’re having a baby!
We need to go pick out onesies, like, now. Right now. Honey, stop drinking and help me.
(photo: gpointstudio/ Shutterstock)