A year ago this month I was minding my own business, enjoying the benefits of my IUD, and basking in the glow of my only child, knowing I’d never have to deal with pregnancy ever again, when suddenly I realized my period had gone missing. It stepped out one night in October and never returned. Where could it be, I wondered? I searched high, I searched low, and finally my search led me to the family planning aisle of my local CVS. I peed on a stick, and the double pink chalk outline of my un-pregnant self appeared. She was dead. Gone. Replaced by a Fertile Myrtle whose eggs were like, “F*ck you and your contraception!”
Sorry, I reject this reality. Bunk test. Bring me 20 more - get the digital ones - and also a bottle of vodka.