10 Conservative Halloween Costumes To Prove You’re Not A Slutty, Trashy MILF

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Nana-M6012__1382720686_74.134.205.46In the Halloween Wars, people often forget one of the most overlooked victims being subjected to the what not to wear scrutiny. I’m talking about moms here. Just today TMZ aired a short interview which showed “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kyle Richards lamenting that when she went to Trashy Lingerie to pick out her Halloween costume she “went for the more conservative of the bunch because I am a mom.” Kyle, who is 44 and has four kids (Just like me!) understands that once you reach a certain age and start popping babies out of your vagina, it’s time to put the slutty slutty slut Halloween French Maid costume away. Or else you run the risk of being labeled a slutty slutty slutty slut mom by all the other moms during the morning school run.

I’ve said it roughly a gazillion times before and I will say it again here, I think moms should wear whatever the hell they want, at all times. No one should tell anyone how they can or cannot dress, especially on a fancy dress holiday like Halloween (Unless we are talking about costumes that include cultural appropriation, because that is laaaame). Society ether wants to label us MILFs or Madonnas, you know, the sort of demure conservative One Million Moms mom who no longer uses her lady garden for anything even remotely sexual, but  uses it to store kid-friendly items like amoxicillian, Go-gurts, an extra diaper and some Caillou DVD’s like a worn out meat purse (Or diaper bag).

If it were up to the rest of the world, us old moms with our old lady vaginas would act our age, and wear something totally unassociated with sex, sexuality, sexiness, or sexy fun times. Here are 10 examples of totally conservative costumes that you moms can wear so no one tells you that you are dressing inappropriately.



(Image: Gemenacom/shutterstock)

You probably have a nice, clean white sheet in your linen closet because you’re so good at doing laundry, plus, you don’t need your bed sheets for anything else like having sex on them because everyone knows moms don’t have sex. Why not put this white sheet to good use and go as a ghost for Halloween? It’s totally shapeless, conservative, and if you are a good wife and mother, probably smells Downy fresh.

Puritan Lady


Photo: Halloween

This costume is perfect for Halloween and for the day after when you need to burn any slutty moms who dressed as sexy cats the night before. Bonus: this will also be super hot when you are serving people Thanksgiving dinner.



But not a sexy maid, a maid who actually does what maids do, like cleans up after people and scrubs toilets. Add a mop and you are ready to party on Halloween! Or, skip those boring parties and bar crawls and just stay home and scrub your sinks!

Breaking Bad Character 

(Photo:Jeff Banke/shutterstock)

(Photo:Jeff Banke/shutterstock)

Just because you are an old mom doesn’t mean you don’t like cool stuff like younger people enjoy like awesome television shows. Why not go as a character from Breaking Bad, but not as Skyler because no one likes her and also, she is a slut.

Nana The Old Lady 

(Photo: Full Moon Masks)

(Photo: Full Moon Masks)

This mask would be cute paired with a jogging suit or a nice pair of slacks. No one can accuse you of trying to be a MILF in this baby!

A Waitress 


Why not be totally daring this Halloween and go as something you have never done before? Like someone who serves people food and then cleans up their dirty dishes when they are done eating this food! Your dreams can come true this Halloween!

The Dowager Countess 

This costume is ideal for moms because let’s face it, this is you in about ten years. It’s like you are giving your loved ones a peak into the future!

Ina Garten

(photo: wordpress)

(photo: wordpress)

I love Ina so so much and she always makes the best food! Everyone loves Ina. And if you are anything like me, you probably have a denim shirt or six in your closet all ready, and I KNOW you have a mixing bowl so you are pretty much good to go. How easy is that?

 A Mom In A Halloween Themed Sweater 

Screen Shot 2013-10-25 at 12.46.42 PM

Face it, you are probably just too old to wear a costume anyway so just get one of these adorable little themed sweaters and add one of those whacky headbands with bobbing pumpkins on springs on it. Plus, you can get one of those hilarious ghost pins that makes noise and blinks.

Missy Elliott In Her Video For The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)

This is a perfect Halloween costume for moms because moms always have trash bags and it’s very conservative. Plus, the kids will love it because it shows you are down with what’s cool.

(Image: Full Moon Masks)


  1. FormerlyKnownAsWendy

    October 25, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    “worn out meat purse?” Eve! Jesus Christ, I just ate lunch!

  2. Alex Lee

    October 25, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    I now have the urge to prancercise from house to house with my daughter on Halloween night.

  3. Sarah

    October 25, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    That Nana mask scared the crap out of me.

    • Eve Vawter

      October 25, 2013 at 4:03 pm

      But but they made it.. from MY face

  4. Renee J

    October 25, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    I won’t need the nana mask. I’ll just not moisturize.

  5. Polyamorous Mom

    October 25, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    this made me LOL “If it were up to the rest of the world, us old moms with our old lady vaginas would act our age” Maybe all us moms should just go as old vaginas

  6. G.E. Phillips

    October 25, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    Man, though, I thoroughly enjoyed my slutty slut slut days. Oh, and the Halloween costumes were fun, too.

  7. Gangle

    October 26, 2013 at 1:54 am

    I don’t know about anyone else, but with the exception of the old granny (because full face masks scare me) and The Dowager Countess (because she scares me) all of these are still pretty sexy. At least, in my dirty, filthy mind they are.

    • Eve Vawter

      October 26, 2013 at 8:24 am

      Perv! hahaha

    • Gangle

      October 26, 2013 at 5:37 pm

      A complete, unrepentant perv.

  8. Haradanohime

    October 26, 2013 at 6:06 am

    I knew a mom who did a coop-costume with her then younger child (she was around 1 I believe). Her child was dressed as a bunny rabbit, and the mother was a giant carrot! Good for mom’s who have small ones attached at their hip…literally.

  9. KaeTay

    October 26, 2013 at 7:51 am

    why is it the mom either needs to be dull for halloween or a hooch? There are more costumes out there that don’t immolate what you do on a daily basis (aka maid). Personally i’ve always wanted to do a steampunk Zatanna.. it covers the goods but is still sexy in it’s own way, there’s also a ring master for a circus.. again nothing is hanging out but can be done to be a little “sexy”.

    I really hate what people assume once you pop out a kid you shouldn’t do anything that makes you feel attractive or “sexy”. It reminds me of that episode of scrubs when they find out Todd can’t see married women.

    well there we go a gory costume can be done with scrubs for women. The costumes listed above just had no flare to them. A zombie would also make a nice costume!

    unfortunately where I live right now I think it’s anyone over the age of 8 or 10 or maybe 13 who dresses up on Halloween and isn’t at a private party can be fined. It’s a misdemeanor.

    • Annona

      October 26, 2013 at 2:23 pm

      “unfortunately where I live right now I think it’s anyone over the age of 8 or 10 or maybe 13 who dresses up on Halloween and isn’t at a private party can be fined. It’s a misdemeanor.”

      What the actual fuck? I think my head just exploded. Where on earth do you live?

    • EmmaFromÉire

      October 27, 2013 at 7:05 pm

      Clearly in that Footloose town……

  10. Carly

    October 26, 2013 at 11:54 pm

    Thanks for trashing racist costumes but why use the term “lame” to do so. Lame means “a person or animal) unable to walk without difficulty as the result of an injury or illness affecting the leg or foot.” It’s not about being PC, just about having some respect and not being a jerk.

    quote from article:
    (of a person or animal) unable to walk without difficulty as the result of an injury or illness affecting the leg or foot.

    • Eve Vawter

      October 27, 2013 at 9:56 am

      I wasn’t using it to describe someone unable to walk. I was using it as it is defined as ” 4 a : inferior b : contemptible, nasty “…

    • EmmaFromÉire

      October 27, 2013 at 7:07 pm

      You’ve just been DICTIONARIED.

    • Eve Vawter

      October 28, 2013 at 4:05 am

      I even spelled it Laaaaaaame with a million A’s! sheesh

    • thefluter

      October 28, 2013 at 2:14 pm

      Despite its dictionary definition, it’s still able-ist, the same way everyone recognizes “gypped” to mean “cheated” but is still a racist term referring to Gypsy people. I do love mommyish and your articles in particular, but the “laaame” usage stuck out to me as inappropriate, especially on a site and in an article with feminist leanings.

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