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Childrearing

10 Horrifying Things You Will Experience As A Parent

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I am going to totally gross you out today, because I can. Trust me, I’m doing it for you. When you become a parent, a parade of disgusting things happens to you that you can’t share with anyone. If you tell any of the disgusting stories associated with the first years of parenthood, you will be banned from your friends’ Facebook feeds so fast – you’ll soon question why no one seems to have anything to say to you anymore.

Can you think of a single childless friend of yours who wouldn’t mention if someone puked in their mouth? Of course they would – because it’s horrifying and totally worth a story. Our stories must be told, damn it. I’m oversharing so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

1. There will be vomit – in your mouth.

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I pulled my one-year-old out of her crib on Sunday, held her up and kissed her cute little mouth. She puked. In my mouth. That’s how I started my day.

2. There will be shit – in your bed.

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My toddler occasionally sleeps in my bed. The other night I climbed in and smelled something coming from his pull-ups. I decided to change him in the dark, as not to awaken my sleeping infant laying in the crib next to my bed. I got in bed and felt something like a pebble touch my leg. It was shit. In my bed. I had to fish shit out of my bed.

3. There will be more shit – on your fingers.

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Every parent knows not to check and see if a diaper is dirty with their actual fingers. Every parent still does it.

4. There will be puke – in your hair.

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Don’t ask me how it happens – it just does. Infants spit up a lot. You will unknowingly leave the house with dried puke in your hair at least once.

5. There will be pee – all over your floor.

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If you use a little potty to train your child – there will be pee everywhere. You will become immune to how gross it is.

6. Someone will pee in your face.

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Parents of boys – it’s going to happen. Prepare yourself.

7. Someone will shit on your hand. 

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They’re fast little suckers.

8. You will have to find a dried belly button stump somewhere in your house.

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Some people actually keep these things. I just wanted to find it before the cat did.

9. You will approach human excrement with a nonchalance you didn’t think was possible.

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I’m cleaning up shit again! No big!

10. You will be able to totally eat lunch while reading something like this.

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This isn’t gross. This is every day.

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