10 Times It’s Totally Acceptable To Bribe Your Children

I’m as conscious as the next parent of the fact that bribing in general is not really a great parenting tactic. It should be used sparingly and only when you’re all out of other options. It’s oviously not a good idea to teach your kids that their behavior should only be good if they are getting some kind of reward in return but sometimes, it cannot be helped. Over the many years you parent young children, there will be occasions where bribing is not only easier, it may be your only choice. Heading into my eighth year of motherhood, I can recall several such occurences and bribery will always have a special place in my little quiver of parenting tactics because sometimes, a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do:

1. When You Want To Poop Alone

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Or shower. Or just have 10 minutes of peace. I would never condemn a parent at the end of their ever-fraying rope for handing their kids a bunch of snacks and slinking off to take care of business in sweet, sweet silence. If anyone ever judges you for that, send them to me. I have a mean right-hook.

2. At A Doctor’s Office

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Sometimes, the wait is so long and there are only so many minutes you can spend reading the tattered picture books in the waiting room and encouraging your kids not to open all the drawers in the exam room. Telling them if they behave, they can play Angry Birds on your phone for a few minutes is completely ok.

3. When You’re On An Important Call

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I work from home and when my kids have a day off from school, I’m typically still working. If I have a video conference, I tell them they will have a special reward after I’m done if they stay downstairs and leave me to it. Unless they know they’re getting something, they will absentmindedly wander back up and annoy me. IT’S FOR MY CAREER, HUSH.

4. When You Need More Sleep

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Giving my kids extra video game time in the early morning hours is a gift for us all. When I have more sleep, I’m a better parent. Everyone’s happy.

5. At Church

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What would Jesus do? He would bribe your kids, of course! For some of you who go every week, this might not make sense but we only make cameos for baptisms and weddings so I have no reservations about promising a bag of Skittles to my kids for staying quiet and not climbing all over the pews.

6. Around Your In-Laws

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My in-laws are pretty cool but I know some of you deal with judgy mothers-in-law that pick apart your parenting and that is an excellent reason to promise your kids goodies if they behave around their prickly bitch of a grandma.

7. While Grocery Shopping

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My kids aren’t bad in public now but when they were younger, I thought nothing of promising a treat if we could escape the grocery store unscathed. There is little worse for a frazzled parent than a mid-store tantrum and I advocate doing whatever you have to in order to avoid it.

8. If You See That Mom From The PTA

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You know the one. She has given you side-eye before when your kid wouldn’t part amicably from the school book fair and ever since, you’ve vowed to never let her see you sweat.

9. When You’re Hungover

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I’m in my 30’s now and it only takes a few glasses of wine for me to feel like garbage the next day. I will literally do anything to keep my kids quiet on those occasional awful mornings where I’m lying in bed bemoaning my poor life choices and needing silence to aid my recovery.

10. On A Road Trip

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Now more than ever I rely on bribery for long car trips. My kids are old enough that they probably won’t take a nap and if things are getting hairy, I will promise them treats in exchange for good behavior. In a confined space, all bets are off.

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