This article started out life being titled “What your New Year’s Eve plans say about you,” but really, we all know that none of us are going anywhere on New Year’s Eve. We’re staying home and watching TV, and maybe if we’re real fancy we’ll get a bottle of something alcoholic and sparkly that’s under $11. But while our plans are all the same, our reasons for not doing anything are as different as the stars. (Stars are all different, right? Or is that snowflakes. Fuck, I don’t know. I studied painting and poetry in college, so all I can officially say is that they’re, like, super pretty.)
Anyway, here’s what your reasons for not doing anything on New Year’s Eve say about you.
You don’t want to stay up too late.
Your kid was a bad sleeper and you still have flashbacks to the baby period. You’ve lied about your SAT score so many times you literally don’t remember what it is anymore. You’ve forgotten your own anniversary before, but the days of your giving a shit about that sort of thing were left behind years ago. You get annoyed when your partner buys you gifts instead of letting you just pick out what you want. Who knows what you want better than you? Nobody, that’s who.
Your kids will throw a party if you leave.
You are a great time at a party. You give the best, most thoughtful and beautiful gifts. You send thank-you notes promptly. You have a ton of top-quality weed and you always share. Somehow you are always surprised by everything your kids do, even when it’s stuff they do all the time. Your friends are grumbly about your kids, but your parents are like, “Ha! Payback karma is the best karma.”
You have early plans the next day.
(These people are all side-eyeing a hungover woman with a toddler in a stroller. shironosov/iStockPhoto)
You don’t think people should be allowed to wear yoga pants unless they actually do yoga. Do you show up at the football stadium wearing a jersey? No, you do not. (And you also don’t know that people actually do that, and thus this analogy does not make any sense.) You already have a 2017 planner with all your goals written down in it. Your back muscles are spectacular.
You spent all your money during the holidays.
Shit! You got carried away hanging out with all your richer family members and forgot you weren’t actually rich too, you just had a blowout and a manicure for a few days. Now your kids are rolling shoulder-deep in name-brand block sets, but you definitely blew your drinking and partying budget for the next few months. This is fine and you’re not alone. Just tell everyone you’re committing yourself to “Hygge, the Danish concept of coziness” for 2017. Now you don’t have to do anything but stay home with warm socks and hot cocoa for the rest of the year.
New Year’s parties suck.
You can’t be the only person who has noticed this, right? New Year’s parties universally suck. The bar or restaurant you usually like suddenly thinks it’s OK to charge a 400% upcharge for a tiny, crummy version of their normal food and a single glass of sparkling wine while crowded with a bunch of drunk assholes you don’t know, everyone wearing sparkly dresses and those stupid year glasses that haven’t made any sense since 2009. You feel like you are taking crazy pills, but New Year’s parties suck.
You’re not a misanthrope, you’re a pragmatist. You know you’ll have more fun going out on January 2, when you’ll have lots of room and not have to deal with traffic or crowds because all the dummies are still sleeping off their hangovers and crying glitter flakes out of their eyes.
Whatever you do, your kid will still be up at 6 a.m.
Children don’t understand sleeping in. If you get a sitter and party all night and go to sleep at 1:30 a.m., your kid is still going to jump in your bed at 6 a.m. and want oatmeal with sprinkles on it. You’re basically given up any idea of doing anything at night until your kid goes to summer camp. (Some parents keep college funds. You keep a “sleep-away camp” fund.) You majored in something very fun and are an intelligent and well-read person, and at least three times a week you think, “Why didn’t I just become a doctor/lawyer/accountant/marry that billionaire I met briefly when we were four years old?”
LOL, no, you’re not putting on a bra for that.
Put on a bra and high heels? Are they high? Do they not know pajamas and Netflix exist? You’re not going out and doing anything for New Year’s, and it has nothing to do with the kids. You never do anything for New Year’s. Sure, sometimes you have thought about it. You like the idea of parties a lot! But when it comes down to it, you’re not interested in anything that involves sore feet or itchy underwear. You like sheet masks and those chairs in the mall that massage your back. The lady who invented Spanx made a billion dollars. You think you could do the same if you could just figure out how to make pajama pants look like real pants.
You are doing something, dammit!
This year is your year! You have a Pinterest board full of holiday makeup. You have a shiny dress and new underwear. You have some ideas about what to do with your hair. This year, this is the year you are going to make it out of your house and go do something fabulous like you were Sarah Jessica Parker.
(Look, we all know you’re going to fall asleep in all your going-out clothes at 9:30, and when you wake up you’re going to see a false eyelash stuck to your hand and scream because you think it’s a giant hairy bug.)