Perhaps before or after you have gleefully accepted all those baby shower gifts, you’ve given some thought to how your growing human will escape your body. No doubt you’ve pored over the mommy forums and been handed copies of The Business Of Being Born and had that natural birth advocate over to your house many times for tea. So how are you going to swing this?
If you choose an elective scheduled c-section
You want NO DRAMA for this birth. NONE. You roll your eyes with the whole vaginal pushing euphoric feeling propaganda and just want a healthy, happy baby with as little fuss as possible. You may have done the research and considered the natural birthing thing for a second but that’s about it. You want to be in. You want to be out. And you want to be on your way.
If you’re going for a natural home birth
You’ve been talking birthing pools, doulas, and placenta snacking for months. Either you’ve had a not so awesome hospital birth experience and have made a solemn vow to yourself and your next child that shit is going your way OR you’ve been on the receiving end of sad sad sad c-section regresties from your besties. You’re are pumped for this birth and are getting nothing short of a high from all your birthing knowledge. You can school just about any random mommy blog reader on all the top stats (read: dangers) of delivering in a hospital, ammo that you dole out with an authoritative Internet Voice. Depending on how this birthing experience goes, you may take up some doula training yourself.
If you’ve decided to give birth at a birthing center
OK, OK, so the natural birth advocates got to you. You’ll readily admit that. But you know what else got to you? The trough of horror stories about homebirthing going the way of infant or motherly death. Hell with that. You live in fucking 2013 and there’s no reason your baby (or you) has to DIE to make a political birthing point. So here you are going the sort of middle ground, as far as you assess it. While you may be hoping for a drug-free natural birth, if shit gets real, you feel safe knowing that you’re in capable (read: emergency c-section-y) hands.
If you’re just going to wing it at the hospital
You may have watched your friends/relatives go bananas over the pitocin/no pitocin debate but you’re just kind of whateves. You many enjoy a good c-section shaming comment thread with your popcorn but you usually check out the minute gals start throwing around the term “birth rape.” You’ll definitely give pushing the old college try, but you’re also looking forward to a nice epidural.
If you’re going for hypnobirthing
You had a friend/relative who tried it once and has since SWORN by it. Suddenly, it’s all that is present in your web browser history. You many have never fancied yourself to be a crunchy prenatal yoga type of mom but suddenly, there you are doing modified downward dogs and nodding at the early childhood education lady as she hands out fliers to her hypnobirthing class like the rest of them. Next stop: making your own baby food and co-sleeping.
If you don’t have a birthing plan yet
Let me guess. This was your surprise baby, right? You’re probably preoccupied with the one or two other kids you have already and/or the job that is already treating you like crap just because you’re knocked up. Again. Not to mention the daily work of running the country that is home. While you would just love the time to sit around and fawn over birthing stories and trade midwife information and memorize c-section stats, you’re lucky if you can grab a shower every three days and keep milk in the house. Maybe you can plan your labor on your maternity leave? No? (Ha! What maternity leave?!)