The Only Birth Plan You’ll Ever Need

Dear Hospital Staff,

Thank you for allowing us to summarize our desires for the birth of our first child. The following is a list of things that may come up, and we wanted to equip you with the guidance to handle our birth experience in the best way possible.

1. If at any time myself or my husband start to cry and/or hyperventilate at the thought that we are about to be in charge of keeping a human alive even though both of us regularly forget whose turn it is to put the trash out and have to live with a swarm of flies hovering around our side-yard like we are renting from the adult version of Pig Pen, please look away and leave us with our dignities in tact.

2. If at any time my husband attempts to sneak a Snickers in the room because coaching someone through pushing a huge baby out of her vagina has given him a snack-attack, please confiscate it and bring him a glass of ice chips.

3. If at any time my husband attempts to sneak me a delicious ice-filled soda fountain Sprite, you will look away because everyone knows this only ice-chips bullshit is stupid.

4. When you offer drugs and I say, No, I watched the Business of Being Born and I really think I can do this, that is code for YES, give me ALL the drugs right, fucking now.

5. If for any reason we arrive at our birthing suite and the television isn’t working, please shoot us both, as we won’t make it out alive with no distractions, anyway.

6. If you or one of your co-workers is the “tough love” gruff nurse type that doesn’t enjoy smiling and says things like, “toughen up, they all come out eventually,” please fuck right off and send us the sweet, smiling nurse who likes to hold hands.

7. If anyone offers me a mirror while the baby is crowning, I will probably respond, “Yes, please” and then crack it on the side of the bed like a biker with a beer bottle in a bar brawl and proceed to slash anyone in the general vicinity.

8. I would like the baby to be placed on my chest immediately after birth so we can take a baby-covered-in-afterbirth photo to send to my asshole mother-in-law who is pissed I wouldn’t let her hang out while I lay in a room with my vagina exposed for hours on end.

9. After the birth of our child we would like him to room-in and have all necessary care-giving procedures done bedside – not because we want to bond or anything, but because my husband had the genius idea of renting that switched at birth Lifetime movie from the late nineties starring Melissa Gilbert and now we’re both totally freaked out.

10. The lactation consultant is welcome to visit our room, but please inform her that we plan on shoving a pacifier in his mouth as soon as he’ll take one, so to refrain from any “nipple confusion” speeches she may have planned.