childbirthIt seems like a successful VBAC is pretty common. If you make it clear that you want one – and you are a good candidate – you have a 75% chance of succeeding. So why am I so worried that it’s not going to happen for me?

Here in Brooklyn I am seeing midwives for all of my prenatal care. They are VBAC advocates, and are willing to do as much as they can to ensure that I can at least try to make this happen. The thing is, I’m going to be leaving their care in a couple of months. With baby number two on the way, Brooklyn has finally defeated me. We can’t raise a second child in our tiny third floor walk up. I need my family and more support around me. I’m waving a white flag. Second-most-expensive-city-in-the-country – you win. Your struggle isn’t fun anymore. We’re leaving.

We’re heading to Florida – a state that is pretty foreign to me. As luck would have it, my family all relocated to the state that has the third highest C-section rate in the country. This scares me. I’m terrified of having another surgical birth. Not because I am anti-hospital – although they do freak me out a little. Not because I believe my baby will be better off if she’s born naturally – even though she probably will. It’s simply because being cut open again scares the living shit out of me.

My doctors were great. I didn’t have any post-surgery complications. It’s just that the whole experience was so scary. Frankly, I knew nothing about C-sections because I never thought I would need one. I honestly never looked into what the whole procedure entailed. I think that worked in my favor. I’m way more terrified of the procedure now than I was when I was being wheeled into the operating room for my emergency procedure.

I hated being still – sweating nervously as they put the epidural in my spine. I hated being in a stark, surgical room for the birth of my child. I hated the feeling of doctor’s tugging me open to remove him. My body went into some kind of weird shock after he was born and I was shaking uncontrollably for 10 minutes. I hated that, too. Yes, I delivered a healthy baby and that is the most important detail of the day. But I hated everything else about it. I hate hating everything about the day my beautiful child was born.