Having a child is usually a happy time in a woman’s life. Unfortunately, as we wait longer to have children, infertility and trouble conceiving can become a part of the family making process. Unbearable addresses these difficulties.

For a long time, I believed that the most difficult part of infertility was not knowing the problem. I wanted tests. I wanted answers. I wanted reasons why I couldn’t have a baby. More than anything, I wanted this horrible experience to have a logical explanation.

I waited a full twelve months before I scheduled our first appointment at the fertility clinic. It was nerve-racking in a way that I can’t quite explain. Almost like my first visit to an OBGYN. It felt like inviting someone to invade my privacy. I had to remind myself over and over again that I wanted answers to my struggle and this was the way to get them.

So, I drug myself across town at 7am to find out just how my husband and I were deficient. But, in the more hopeful and optimistic recesses of my mind, I thought that I might finally have a plan of attack. No matter how uncomfortable it might be to have people poking around in my womb, I would finally know how to rectify our situation. It really wasn’t an awful experience. They had a harder time drawing blood than anything else. And might I add, my arm was bruised for two full weeks!

Apparently, our clinic is insanely efficient. Two short days later, my husband and I had results. No, you Nosey Nancies, I’m not going to spill them all. But I will say that I like my uterus a little less today than I did a couple months ago. And her pals, the ovaries, are not my favorite people either. I’m not saying that we’ll never get along again, but they just aren’t making the effort that I wish they would. They’re like an immature, high school boyfriend who spouts that he loves you but then ditches out on you whenever his friends want to hang out. They aren’t exactly hurting me, but they aren’t doing my any favors either.

So, this shouldn’t be awful news. I’m a little off, but I’m not irreparable. I can make a plan of action. I finally have some answers! All of this are things that I wanted when I called the fertility clinic. But I guess in the back of my mind, I wasn’t prepared to hear that I had a problem. I knew that I wasn’t getting pregnant, but I figured that it was just a simple timing issue or bad luck.

Now, I know there’s a problem. Now, I need doctors and medicines and procedures. I have the reason I was looking for, but it still doesn’t seem to make sense. For goodness sakes, I’ve had a baby before! How could it be possible that my reproductive system just decided to give up! I sat around after hearing my results, wishing I’d never bothered to get them at all.

I guess, I was looking for these tests to provide an answer. Instead, I feel like I have so many more questions. How much will this cost? How long will it take? How much energy and emotional stability do I have to invest in this endeavor? Will it even work?

I’ve run my tests now. And I’ve even gotten those reasons that I was so desperate to figure out. But I still don’t know where I’m going or what my next step will be. I’m not sure that any test or its results can give me that.