We’ve all heard plenty of birth horror stories, but we rarely hear about how mom heals after the trauma. One Australian mom is sharing her birth story in the hopes that her experience will help others —and maybe make them laugh, too.

Zoe George, an Australian mother of two, blogs at The Subtle Mummy, where she is “as subtle as a brick to the face.” After making several references to the “broken vagina” she received when her son was born, she finally shared his birth story. And woooooo boy, she does NOT hold back.

George’s first child, a boy, was two weeks overdue and she was very anxious to get him out. She was induced and was trying to endure labor without pain medication, but after about 8 hours she decided to get an epidural. This request came after she “almost punched a midwife for chewing her gum mid-contraction.” She described the feeling of getting an epidural, “It rushed through my body and I felt like I was having an orgasm, a very long one. I went from The Exorcist to Little House on the Prairie in less than five minutes.” Yeah, it’s good stuff.

Zoe knew it was time to start pushing because, as she said, she felt like “I needed to do the biggest dump of my life.” That’s when things got crazy. George’s son was stuck. The doctor gave her the option of a forceps delivery or an emergency c-section. George chose the former and remembers “the doctor leaning back, almost in a squat position, and pulling on those forceps that were around my baby’s head.” George’s husband was “100% positive the babies head was going to rip off and the doctor would go flying back across the room.” LOL

birth story broken vagina

Image: Instagram / @thesubtlemummy

Once Geroge’s baby, Ari, was out, she had a very relatable reaction to him. “I wondered how it was possible he looked so much like a dropped baked potato? Other thoughts included, “If the doctors could read my mind now they would take him”, “I’m already a terrible mother shouldn’t I think he’s the most beautiful thing in the world?” “He definitely looks like his dad” and a lot of “He’s the cutest baby ever, he’s the cutest baby ever, repeat the mantra, Zoe!”

While George was taking in her baby, she was also losing a lot of blood. In fact, she almost needed a blood transfusion. In the process of pulling little Ari out, the doctors had to tear Zoe. Her husband described the scene as a blood bath/massacre situation. In their franticness to stop the bleeding, the doctors didn’t exactly do a great job stitching up George’s tear. And things looked pretty bad down there.

“I was being given a sponge bath in bed by the midwife, oh la la, until she asked me to sit up and I caught a glimpse of my vagina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Describing it as looking like a hamburger, more like a whopper, would be putting it nicely. That image will be forever burned in my mind. If Frankenstein’s monster had a vagina, I know EXACTLY what it would have looked like. *shudders at the memory*. I needed about four of those vajayjay icy poles and three overnight maxi pads to contain that Joker’s smile.”

My c-sections are looking pretty good right now.

Unfortunately for George, her stitches didn’t heal well. After several painful attempts to have sex with her husband, she went to the gynecologist where she was told she had a bunch of scar tissue. The doctor told her she could have surgery to correct it, or she could hope that her next baby would tear her in the same place. JEEEZ. She decided to see what would happen with the next baby. But, in the process of trying to conceive her second child, she developed vaginismus.

“I’m going to describe it in layman’s terms first… It’s basically when your vagina has had enough so she over tightens your pelvic floor muscles so much that nothing is allowed in. She puts up a brick wall against all intruders and no amount of banging will break down that wall.”

I’m laughing, but I’m also crossing my legs and screaming.

Poor George had to endure months of physical therapy and even needed to use “trainers” to help stretch things out. I just. OMG.

Luckily for George, this does have a happy ending. Her second child, a little girl, was born in an experience she described as, “amazing, so gentle and beautiful.” George’s daughter did tear her in the same spot, but this time the doctors were prepared and carefully stitched her up. “Within a few days I could already tell that I was feeling more normal down there,” George wrote.

{Also read: This Mom Who Gave Birth On A Plane Wins The Birth Story Olympics}

The funny mom admits that even though she put a humorous spin on the story, “I have been embarrassed to write this story for a while, but every time I meet someone in person and tell them they are surprised and feel really terrible for me that I went through it. I told this story to raise awareness of the issue, it was a hard one to share.”

Thank you for sharing…I think.

(Image: Instagram / @TheSubtleMummy)