In ‘I couldn’t make this up if I tried’ news, a woman in Germany walked into a pharmacy, took out her breast, and squirted milk at the employees as a distraction while she rifled the cash register. I’ve heard bras referred to before as “boob holsters”, but this is ridiculous.
This mysterious boob-wielding woman is still at large, so if you live in Darmstadt, Hesse yourself you might want to wear a raincoat to go to the store today, just to be safe. At 4:25 yesterday afternoon, she went to the pharmacy to ask for a breast pump, and, well:
But after handing over a €200-note to pay for her €20 purchase, she suddenly uncovered one breast and used her fingers to squirt milk from it at the pharmacist.
She then rummaged through the counter display and went to a second cash register.
Ignoring the pleas of staff and customers to cover herself up, she again rooted through the counter displays and unleashed a fresh spray of milk.
Officers described the woman’s antics as “almost unbelievable”.
“Almost unbelievable” sounds about right to me. The woman walked away with a net €100 of the pharmacy’s cash, which apparently no one realized until they counted the till at the end of the day. The breast pump, however, was left behind, which is probably just as well. It really doesn’t sound as if she’s having any trouble hand expressing, after all.
It never crossed my mind, even when I was at my post-partum grouchiest, to whip one of the girls out and hose down a store worker who was irritating me, but that may be because I’m not a complete weirdo. (Just a partial weirdo.) But I kind of have to give this lady credit for not only coming to terms with her post-baby body, but for taking the additional step weaponizing it. It really was the perfect crime:
- Being shot with milk is non-lethal (unless maybe you have a dairy allergy?)
- Milk spray creates a slipping hazard on the store floor, allowing you to make your getaway while people who are trying to catch you go slip-sliding.
- Boobs really freak people out.
- Oh god, bodily fluids! Does she have Ebola? Who knows! Better stay back!
- Breasts don’t need to be reloaded after initial firing, and they allow for dual use if needed.
- Highly portable, and will pass through metal detectors undetected.
Potential downsides of using your mammary glands as squirt guns?
- Even where ‘open carry’ is allowed, people may still get upset, even if you only intended a peaceful show of, er, arms.
- If you expend all your ammo, your baby is going to be crabby when you get home and he wants to be fed. If you mean to take up this life of crime, you may need to supplement with formula.