The Things I’m Really F@#cking Tired Of As A Mom

Oh, man. What a day I had yesterday. You know those days when it seems like your children are waaaay smarter than you and actually a little conniving? That’s the kind of day I had. The little one wouldn’t nap, the bigger one wallowed in a 12-hour tantrum, I’m totally PMS-ing and my husband is away for work. One of those perfect storms, you might say. On the plus side, as the tempest roiled around me, I found it was a wonderful opportunity to compose a fun little list in my head. I’ll call it: The Things I’m Really Fucking Tired Of!

Here goes:

Sharing my food. Meals, snacks, even a simple glass of water all become community property as soon as they’re within my reach. I’ve tried structuring mealtimes so that the kids are fed and happy before I sit down with my plate of lukewarm sustenance, but it doesn’t matter. Our 16-month-old inevitably waddles up to me and taps my knee, as if to say, ”Uh, you realize that food is mine, right?” Because he’s so damn cute, I pick him up and feed him a few bites on my lap since, being full and happy, he refuses to sit back in his high chair. So now my plate is half empty and completely cold, I’m still hungry and wearing most of the food my son thought he wanted to eat, but my soon-to-be-overtired children need a bath before the meltdowns begin. Once again, my dinner will have to wait. Awesome.

Ridiculous tantrums. I am totally fine with the occasional freak out. Kids are emotional beings and can’t always articulate what’s going on with them, which is understandably frustrating. Wouldn’t most adults love, say, a two-tantrums-per-week allowance? But holy hay-zeus am I ever sick of bullshit tantrums like, ”I hit my foot on that pillow so now I don’t want to eat lunch!!!” or ”NOOOOOOOOOO! Not THAT orange piece of paper!! I want THAT orange piece of paper!!” Pull yourself together, little girl! The world will not end if you wipe your bum now instead of five minutes from now. And we might even make it to your school on time. For once. Argh! (I become a pirate when I’m frustrated.)

My son thinking he’s Evel Knievel. Granted, he’s only a toddler and in most cases, truly doesn’t know any better. But, damn! That kid is going to seriously injure himself one of these days and I’m going to beat myself up for it. I keep a very close watch on him, but obviously I can’t prevent every bump on the head. And I’m not trying to it’s just that his fearlessness makes it so that I can’t even turn around to grab a towel while he’s in the bathtub or sit down to eat lunch without suffering five near-heart attacks while he throws himself around on the couch. Climbing and jumping and general boundary-testing are important for every child’s development, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Caillou. He’s the whiniest children’s show character ever. Even when he’s not whining, he’s whining. His dad is amorphously gendered, his mom is drawn all frumpy with saggy boobs and his laugh is annoying. Tired of it!

Being exhausted and dirty most of the time. I’m sincerely curious to find out if I will ever again feel well-rested. I think not. I have no choice in the matter when it comes to waking up early and I almost always go to bed late because I’m so desperate for a couple hours of time to myself. It’s a vicious cycle. I routinely reach the early stages of sleep while reading to my children in the middle of the day that’s how tired I am. As far as personal hygiene goes, I feel really lucky if I shower four times in one week. It’s gross. Right now, my hair is greasy and in need of a color touch-up. My armpits stink and my legs could use a shave. Is that something on my face? Oh, no, it’s just a thick black hair growing out of my mole. Plucking falls by the wayside, too. Sweet.

There are probably 327 more mom-related annoyances I could add to this list. I won’t, but feel free to throw yours into the mix in the comments section. And since we’re talking about Mommy Wars this week, please do not write to tell me I’m a horrible mother who really should count her blessings and shut up already. Believe me, if my ”drawbacks” list is 332 items long, then my ”Things About Motherhood That are Better Than Anything Else on the Planet” list contains at least 1,013 points. I love being a mother. I cherish my children. And sometimes it just feels really good to complain.

(Photo: BananaStock)