Pregnancy cravings are a funny thing. Unless you’re jonsing for an apple, you know that you really don’t need to indulge your craving as you truly aren’t eating for two, but you’ll never be satisfied until you do. Balancing the desire for a specific snack with the raging hormones of your body and a squished bladder that constantly requires a restroom is no simple task. Here are the six stages of satisfying a pregnancy craving.
1. The craving beckons. You’re happily settled on the couch watching HGTV on a Saturday morning when you see a commercial for McDonalds. You absentmindedly note how crisp those fries look and how juicy that burger is and then get pulled back into one couple’s fight over how many bathrooms they really need. Ten minutes later, you swear you hear them say “fryer” instead of “dryer” and realize you’re in the throes of a pregnancy craving.
2. The attempt to resist. The rational part of you knows you just polished off two bowls of cereal for breakfast less than three hours ago and that a Happy Meal will turn into a Sad Meal once your heartburn kicks in. The rest of you knows you won’t be satisfied until you’re sipping from a yellow and red stripped straw, so you grab your keys and your most comfortable shoes and head out the door.
3. The pursuit. Your nose registers the heady smell of french fries as you pull into the drive-thru line, and you actively begin to drool. You note the time (10:33 am) and wonder if they would possibly take pity on a poor pregnant woman and toss a left over hashbrown in with your order.
4. Second thoughts. As you’re waiting in line you start to think about the pamphlet you got from birthing class about the importance of eating healthy while pregnant. You Google “McDonald’s nutritional information” on your phone and are quickly overwhelmed by links about GMOs and burgers that refuse to go moldy. You decide you can’t subject your unborn child to such horrors and go to the store to get the fixings to make your own burger and fries.
This burger sucks. The bun has no seeds, the lettuce is too crunchy and your sauce is anything but special. You don’t even taste the fries, dumping them into the trash while you allow yourself some tears of frustration over your very dire circumstances. Once the pity party is over, you blow your nose, change your underwear and say screw it– Baby wants a Big Mac.
5. Surrender. You waddle up to the counter and order a Large Number one like a boss. Not even Beyonce would step to you right now. What follows feels like the best seven and a half minutes of your life thus far. You feel your little hitchhiker kick and decide it’s a sign of their approval and appreciation.
6. The aftermath. You get home and and are headed to the bathroom to pee when morning sickness strikes. As you kneel on your favorite tile in front of the toilet you vow to never eat another burger again. After you’ve gotten yourself cleaned up, you head back out to the couch where House Hunters is thankfully still playing. The first commercial you see is for Oreos, and they look delicious.