WARNING: The ‘Terrible Twos’ Get Worse When Your Kid Turns Three

Everyone has heard of the “terrible twos.” I was convinced my angel child would skip them all together but was promptly proven wrong a few months after he hit the aforementioned birthday. I hated the fact that he had become a walking stereotype, but took comfort in the idea that he would return to his former angelic self when he turned three, right? Right? Hello – parents? That’s what happens, right?

Wrong.

The terrible twos are simply a warm-up. They are an introductory phase that gets parents primed and ready for a dark future. Whoever coined the term “terrible twos” without emphasizing that it only gets worse when your child is three has done us all a grave disservice. Parents all around the land are doing what is tantamount to waiting for the Tooth Fairy or Santa to arrive. It’s not happening. There is no Tooth Fairy, there is no Santa, and your toddler is still an asshole. Sorry.

The biggest difference between the terrible twos and the f&*king horrible threes is strength, size and volume. Your child is bigger, stronger, louder and more sure of what he wants, – which is everything he’s not supposed to have – and what he doesn’t want – which is nutritious food, a bedtime, or rules. His vocabulary is vast, and he can now describe all the things he’s feeling with impeccable enunciation:

I DON’T WANT IT.

GIVE ME THE SCISSORS. WHY CAN’T I HAVE SCISSORS?

I DON’T WANT A SISTER ANYMORE.

YUCK.

BLECK.

I AM NOT GOING TO BED. I DON’T WANT TO.

Pajama time moves from slightly annoying wrestling with your small toddler to what can only be described as some demented form of toddler Cross Fit. Meal time moves from several meals you know your child likes to EVERYTHING IS GROSS WHY CAN’T I JUST EAT CHOCOLATE COOKIES ALL THE TIME? His mood swings put your one-time hormonal pregnant self to shame and the strength of his conviction almost convinces you that he should craft a self-help book entitled, The Toddler Way: Achieve Success Through Yelling And Anger.

Sorry parents; it doesn’t get better. But I think there’s a few years between toddler and teenager that are supposed to be pretty good.

(photo: Firma V/ Shutterstock)