I had a natural birth for both of my sons, at a birthing center and at home, respectively. When it comes to natural birthing, most moms fall into two camps: You may picture an old-fashioned 1800s scene with a woman biting down on a wooden spoon and a pot of boiling water beside the bed. The stuff nightmares are made of.
Or, if you drank the natural birth Kool-Aid and are all gung-ho about the idea (like me), you may imagine a drug-free birthing fantasy that will bring you the most beautiful connection with the baby you have yet to meet.
But with the first contraction, shit hits the fan, literally and figuratively. This is true whether you plan to birth in a hospital, a birthing center, at home, or in a barn. More
I donāt think anyone should EVER compare any kind of pain to labor, because no one — except mothers — have ever had to actually be in labor. My fiancĆ© did this over the weekend as we were out for a walk. Suddenly he fell to the ground. More
Whether you had a natural birth or took as many drugs as you could get your laboring little hands on. If the birth you had carefully outlined in your beautifully appointed leather-bound birthing plan notebook went the way you expected it to or not. But as a lady who has been to this baby expelling rodeo a few times, I know some of the things you will think immediately after giving birth. And this list is in no way inclusive. More
You made that birthing plan (or didn’t) and hopefully you have a newborn infant. Congratulations! But now that the mini human is outside of your body, that gives you plenty of (sleepless) time to ruminate over what the hell happened. Did you get that natural drug-free birth you were hoping for? Did your doctor push an unnecessary c-section on you? Did your labor pretty much scar you for having any future hypothetical children? Let’s see what your labor says about you. More
This week, Royal Baby Madness took center stage — at least, in my STFU, Parents inbox it did — as millions of people anticipated the birth of William and Kate’s baby, finally. After what felt like two years of waiting, the world was given its Simba. Some people were so consumed with the Royal Baby, they even found time to criticize the new parents on their car seat usage, proving once again that parenthood today comes chock full o’ judgment whether you’re a plebeian or official royalty. Ah, modernity! Social media gives us all the ability to comment on everything, and the discussion surrounding the Royal Baby’s highly publicized birth was no exception. More
According to the study, these issues go beyond the typical hospital setting and can be found in delivery rooms, and even intensive care units. You know, the place where they make people live in bubbles and you basically have to wear a hazmat suit to come in. More
Perhaps before or after you have gleefully accepted all those baby shower gifts, you’ve given some thought to how your growing human will escape your body. No doubt you’ve pored over the mommy forums and been handed copies of The Business Of Being Born and had that natural birth advocate over to your house many times for tea. So how are you going to swing this? More
When I was pregnant the last time my own mother badly wanted me to have a girl, she raised three daughters and she wanted me to know what having a daughter was like, and when I found out via ultrasound that I was indeed carrying a girl I called my mom and told her “Oh well, all I care about is that my baby is healthy, but I am having a boy.” My mom would probably deny this, but she sounded SO DISAPPOINTED on the phone. Like she seriously had a very difficult time hiding her extreme disappointment. There was a whole mess of sighing going on. More
I give this woman all the credit in the world because she didn’t miss a beat, and continued to laugh and joke along with him as he went on to say “Code red!” and imitated sirens. After letting him get a few jabs in Kathie J asked (in mock panic) “What do I do now,” in which her co-host replied “Call your husband for God’s sake!” More
Ladies can go into labor in the darndest places but that doesn’t necessarily warrant some totally not OK reactions. At the moment in which new life is upon you, try not to blurt these out to the closet birthing woman in your vicinity. Or fear WTF wrath. More
My water breaking is when all hell broke lose. I begged and pleaded with the doctor and nurses to give me something, anything to make the pain stop. I punched my husband in the face while he was telling me how beautiful I was. I told my Mom she was a lying bitch for telling me that it wouldn’t hurt. More
If you were like me and thought that Kate Middleton‘s birthing plan seemed a little complicated, then let me introduce you to Kate’s premature birthing plan. If the Duchess pulls a Kim Kardashian and goes into labor early, there’s a helicopter ride in it for her! Wheee! More
Every time someone I know has their first baby, at some point between getting knocked up and going to the delivery room, couch, floor or tub, there seems to be this HOLY SHIT moment. Not āholy shit, Iām pregnant, Iām going to be a mother. Creation is such a miraculous thing!ā Well, sure. That, too. But Iām talking about the Holy-Shit-this-is-so-much-grosser-than-I-ever-thought-possible moment. And then thereās the inevitable, āwhy didnāt anyone tell me that would happen?ā More
Channing Tatum went on Chelsea Handler’s show last night to talk about his new movie, White House Down. He also had some time to talk about how useless new dads are. It’s okay, he’s adorable so he can say whatever he wants. Try not to be offended, dads. More