I’ve heard many moms have been there; they are nursing, not yet menstruating, they’ve dabbled in the wine, stuffed their face with chocolate and decided to throw caution to the wind and have a sexy, unprotected time with the Mister because, hey, there is no way you can get pregnant, right? Getting pregnant while nursing isn’t something that happens, right?
Wrong! Did my midwife lecture me every time I went to see her and confessed my sins of not using birth control?
Did I think, This one time won’t grow a baby?
Was I wrong? Of course I was wrong; my third child is proof you can get knocked up even if you are nursing, not getting regular visits from Aunt Flo, and are too tired to even remember having sex.
In fact, I now believe exhaustion, wine, and cocoa are the perfect recipe to make a baby.
So a few weeks after forgetting my carelessness while napping on the floor letting my toddler and baby use me as a human slide as drool was pooling on the floor, my husband took one look at me and said I was acting like I did the last two times I was pregnant. I kind of wanted to give him the middle finger. There was no possible way this could be true. Besides, we were done after two kids, my uterus was closed.
I was not pregnant. I was just tired because our baby started crawling and shit, she could move. Plus, my toddler was constantly hovering over her tattling and I needed to check out on the hard wooden floor to escape the madness.
Pregnant? Nope, not me.
And when I got horrible cramps and devoured an entire pie over the course of a day with a side of Triscuits dipped in cream cheese, I though, Aunt Flo! There you are. But again, my husband (and then my sister) suggested I go an get a little test. So I did.
Low and behold it was negative, and I was very happy I could brag to everyone I was right because dammit, I knew my body better than they did.
But another week went by and my crimson wave never came. The cramps didn’t go away and my appetite and my mood swings grew faster than a Chia pet.
I went to the store again, peed on the very expensive stick, and got the same answer. Instead of seeing two pink lines the test said,” Simmer down you are not pregnant so stop spending your money on these senseless tests and buy some peanut butter cups instead.”
After another 6 days or so had passed and nothing new had happened besides an expanding grocery bill and waistline, I decided I would grab one more test and if that was negative, I would stop the madness. Why do women get obsessed with buying pregnancy tests?
As I was peeing on my final stick, I was hoping and praying I would be pregnant, and hoping and praying I would not be pregnant. Clearly you can’t have both, but we all experience these thoughts and emotions at one time or another and it’s so confusing.
As soon as I saw two pink lines I ran around chasing my 3-year-old and 6-month-old telling them we were going to have a baby. They didn’t care at all. They had no idea why mommy was crying and talking in a strange voice.
I am here to be the annoying voice of reason: you can get pregnant while nursing, even if your periods have not started back up yet.
I know, life sucks and you can roll your eyes at me. I certainly did every time I heard it.
But I also want to tell you pregnancy tests can give you a false negative, not once but twice, while you actually are pregnant.
If you find yourself napping on a very uncomfortable floor with humans kicking and poking at you, then feel the need to down fist full of crackers dipped in dairy, you may be carrying a child. Even if you think you know your body better than anyone go get a test. Hell, make it three.
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(Image: iStock / shironosov)