1123.jpgDisclaimer: You guys, I have MILK in my refrigerator.

Other things I have? A Netflix subscription. I have a pool, but at the end of the season I’m super happy I don’t have to pay pool guys to come maintain it, because it’s a money suck. I have Chanel makeup. I have video game systems. My children have many, many books. I have fresh produce. I have some fancy artisanal popcorn. We have food and clothing and toys and health insurance and shoes and we have electricity and water. But my AIR CONDITIONER IS STILL BROKEN and will be broken until the company who my home warranty people hired to fix my air conditioner get the parts in to fix my air conditioning system. I did not have a few thousand dollars sitting around that I could blow on a new one. I am blessed. I have a good life. The people I live with have pretty much everything we need and I know there are moms out there who are stressing about their water bill and insurance costs and if you are like me, you don’t have a butler. And maybe it’s because the sun isn’t even up yet and my 100 percent organic cotton skirt is sticking to my thighs because it is so FREAKING HOT already in my house that this interview with a self-proclaimed ‘Hamptons Housefrau’ is making my blood all kinda boil-y. From Fashionweekdaily.com:

What’s the biggest misconception about the superrich? 
That we’re not good parents. Most of the people I know are very good parents and spend a lot of time with their kids. It’s just a very different generation from our parents. We’ve figured out how to have fun and keep our youth going. What happens in the Hamptons is that people in their thirties, forties, and fifties are still living that kind of life that they had in their twenties and college years. The party just keeps going. My generation has figured out how to manage their time. It also helps to have staff.

Are you guys partying? Quick, someone whip us up a batch of cocktails, and by cocktails I mean dump some vodka in a pitcher of Razzleberry Kool-Aid™ because I will assume that  most of us do not have STAFF. “Partying” for me usually means I have two glasses of wine and if I’m having fun I end up having half of a third and then falling asleep at nine and waking up at four a.m. with a raging headache and the knowledge that my kids will be awake in a mere hour or so and that I haven’t gone to the grocery yet this week so I may end up cooking everyone french fries for breakfast because if I don’t eat something I may vomit. If I only had staff I could make them deal with my children and prepare breakfast for all of us then I could PARTY.

How many of your friends have drivers?
In the city, I’d say about 70 percent. In the Hamptons, about 20 percent have drivers, but I bet that will double this summer because of all the DUI busts.

Are the drivers treated like family?
No! They’re drivers. Out here people hire local guys to drive the car. If they have the driver from Manhattan come, that’s a whole other level of wealth. They have to put them up in a home or apartment.

 

Raise your hand if you have a driver! I am not talking about the nice old guy who drives the bus you take to get to work!

How many of your friends have nannies?
I don’t know anybody who doesn’t have a nanny.

Could you raise kids without a nanny?
No.

I know some of you readers have nannies but I am guessing you could probably raise your kid without one, riiiight? Our new best friend the HAMPTONS HOUSEFRAU says the reason her and her superrich pals can’t function without a nanny is because:

It’s the downtime you get when you really can’t deal and you need to recover or relax. A lot of the men and women I know work out in the morning for two hours, and it’s the most valuable thing to them. I actually don’t know anyone who doesn’t work out anymore. Without a nanny one spouse would have to stay home. It just makes life easier.

Downtime guys! It’s what us not superrich people call when we sneak into the bathroom to pee and we get to do it in private without someone demanding we find the TV channel Too Cute is on.

We talked to a Hamptons teenager in our last issue about allowance. What’s fair for a 16-year-old?
I have a kid that age and he gets $200 a week. I’m sure a lot of the teenagers out here have unlimited credit cards; that’s just what I do for my kid. That would include just spending money, because I pay for all of his meals. If he needs more, he tells me.

Two hundred dollars. A Week. For a teenager. For an allowance. Just like you guys all do, riiiight?

Do you ever get sick of being out here in the summer?
You have to mix it up. Every day is a gift out here. I’m never bored, because I make the most of every day. If I’m going to read a book, I’m going to find a beautiful place to read it. If I’m going to cook, I’m going to make a delicious meal. If you don’t seize the day? Big mistake.

Seize the day bitches because if you don’t, BIG MISTAKE.

I sound bitter. Am I bitter? Yes. I think it’s all fine and good that there are people out there who have helicopters and butlers and staff and nannies and cosmetic surgery as a hobby and all that shizz, but even if I was dripping in wealth I think a lot of this sounds kinda gross. All I want is my AC fixed and I will feel like a total fancy pants.

(Image: Pinterest)