dogI am a sucker for a subscription box. My family gets two, and I lurves them. They’re boxes of mystery happy every month! You need to be careful, though. It’s the sort of thing that can get out of control very quickly, and then one day you’re opening a box and your husband says, “Hey, what’s in the box?” And you say, “Oh, just my monthly shipment of artisanal paper.” And then you lose access to the bank account. I thought I’d check out what kinds of subscription boxes are out there this holiday season, and it turns out that the answer is: all of them.

Holy cow, folks. I went to a site called My Subscription Addiction, thinking I’d look through what they had and pick my favorites to talk about. I could not. There are hundreds of them. Hundreds, I say! So if there are any awesome ones at the bottom of that list (assuming there is a bottom, I’m not 100% on that), I’m sorry, but I did not get to you. I only have another forty or so years to live, and I have other things to do.

Here is a selection of the kinds of subscription boxes available to you and yours:

1. The Food And Wine Boxes

I already get Nature Box so I am all over the monthly gift of food. But there are boxes for vegan food, gluten-free food, vegan and gluten-free food (all you get is the box), Japanese candy, Mexican candy, the cookie of the month club, etc etc etc. That reminds me of a weekly box I subscribe to that brings me dinner, called pizza.

If you’re fancy and possibly an alcoholic, then you can get a box of wine delivered every month. Cuz momma’s not happy till her box of wine arrives.

2. The Pet Box

Mostly geared towards dogs, there are a whole mess of boxes out there that will send your pet new toys and treats every month. That’s a lot of new stuff for a dog. I don’t know if I’m ready for my dog to live better than I am, but I will keep it in mind.

3. The Celebrity Box

Have you ever wanted Jennifer Love Hewitt to send you a box of items she has hand-picked herself? No? Well, you can! There’s a company out there called Fancy Boxes and they have boxes put together by JLove, Coco Rocha (model), Kelly Rowland (Destiny’s Child), and a Japanese rapper named Verbal because why the hell not. There are also boxes out there by Nina Garcia of Project Runway fame and Andrew Zimmern who hosts a show called Bizarre Foods and who I do not want a box from thank you very much. (“The theme of this month’s box is ‘exotic tongue.'”)

4. The Bride Box

Oh my god you’re getting married and you want all of the things and also a box every month with bride things! Bride Boxes include everything from t-shirts that say “Wifey,” to nail polish and edible body cream! Edible whatnow? Edible body cream, which should come with a label that says, “Use as directed until married. Then wipe this crap off of you and take a nap.”

5. The Pregnancy Box

A month-by-month pregnancy box from Preggonista, for the stylish and fashionable mom-to-be. I’m going to go ahead and guess that living in my husband’s college sweatshirt and track pants for three months would have excluded me from this. No “Hot Mama Box” for me.

6. The Man Box

Yes, there are boxes for men. There are boxes for men’s clothing, gadgets, and men’s skin care (“This month: a bar of Irish Spring soap and an old razor blade.”) But my very favorite has to be the Mantry box, as in, “The date was going great until she saw my Mantry box.” What does a Mantry subscriber get?

Each Mantry includes 6 full size artisan food products delivered to their door. Packed in a Handmade Wooden Crate and custom Manual detailing product stories and recipes.

Artisan food, a handmade wooden crate, and product stories? My God. It’s like the introductory hipster membership box. Hopefully you get your mustache wax and Moscow Mule copper mug in future boxes.

7. The Kid Box

My kids get a Kiwi Crate each month, which I love for the hands-off silence it brings. There are also boxes for kids’ clothes, toys, crafts, you name it. What someone needs to do is go through them and rate them from 1-5 on the Quiet scale, with 1 being “Provides dead silence” and 5 being, “Thanks for all the extra work, Box. Who the hell ships kids glitter?!”

8. The Clothing Box

Yes, there are the boxes out there that will send you real clothes based on your preferred style. But I like the more specific ones, like the ones that only give you underwear or socks.

9. The Naughty Box

First of all, yes, this is my other name for my vagina (the first one is Frank.) Second, if you’re the type of person who requires a monthly box filled with things like “a vibrating panty and nippy set,” then God bless you and go on about your business. I’ll be over here with the leftover meatloaf and a good book.

10. The Book Box

Now this is something that gets my pulse racing. Every three months, Book Riot will send you a box of “books and bookish things.” Someone hold me, I think I’m going to faint. For example, you can get a copy of a bestseller and a travel mug that says, “Read Harder.” Nerds of the world, send this link to someone who loves you, and ask them to return the new cutting board they bought for you.

Again, there are a bajillion options out there. Check them out and get me one.

(Photo: Javier Brosch / Shutterstock)